Today’s round-up of trailers is… fine, I guess? Most of it feels mediocre, but that’s probably just because almost everything on the list is blown right out of the water by this shit right here, which is THE MOST EXCITING TRAILER I’VE SEEN SINCE THAT CHAINSAW FIGHT IN MANDY:
Slice — “Coming Soon” to theaters
Do you like pizza, and Steve Harrington’s hair, and Chance the Rapper, and Zazie Beetz, and murder, and I dunno, werewolves or something? A dead pizza delivery guy sets off a wolf hunt, a pizza joint may double as a gateway to hell, and I’m honestly not sure if this movie could play Tori BINGO any harder than it is right now. Fair warning: if Nic Cage cameos, I will expire in a blast of pepperoni and glitter.
So yeah, compared to THAT chunk of greasy glory, of course everything else feels like a letdown. So I’ll understand if you want to rewatch that trailer a few more times just to get it out of your system. And then let’s move on and enjoy what else there is on their own merits. Ready?
Hold The Dark — Steaming on Netflix September 28
Speaking of hunting wolves: Jeffrey Wright, Alexander Skarsgård, and Riley Keough are out to take down some kiddie-snatching furry bastards in a tense psychological thriller from director Jeremy Saulnier (Green Room). Question: do good things ever happen in Alaska? Because movie Alaska is savage AF.
Lost Child — Available on DVD/VOD September 18
Who’s up for a lighthearted tale of local superstition, sickness, and possible child abuse in the Ozarks? Yeah, I’m sure this’ll end well for everyone involved.
Ben Is Back — in theaters this December
You know how we usually complain that trailers spoil the movie by showing too much? Well, in the case of this Julia Roberts flick: The movie’s title spoils the trailer. It’s… kind of impressive? Like, go ahead. Watch it. You already know exactly what’s going to happen.
The Old Man & The Gun — In Theaters September 28
This is the second trailer for the real-life old dude crime caper movie starring Robert Redford, a fake mustache, and a bunch of other folks you recognize. And here’s my conundrum: Can the presence of Sissy Spacek, who is just CRUSHING IT on Castle Rock at the moment, mitigate the Casey Affleck-ness?
Summer ‘03 — In theaters September 28
A heartwarming indie film about… teenagers, blowjobs, church, and dead grandmas? SOLD. The best part is probably Andrea Savage and Paul Scheer playing the parents. I approve.
The Land of Steady Habits — Streaming on Netflix September 14
Ennui in Connecticut! Ben Mendelsohn plays a dude who quits his boring job and leaves his wife (Edie Falco) in the hopes of regaining his lust for life. And based on this trailer, that “lust” may involve dating Connie Britton, which like… I mean, I get it. I’d rearrange my life to date her too, or even just get a glass of wine with her and ask her wtf she does to make her hair look like that because I CAN’T. And speaking of wine, dude’s son is a booze delivery boy and everyone’s kinda judgy about it? When clearly they should be asking him about the employee discounts.
And finally, I’m sharing this CW “Subway Sizzle” because it’s just so frivolous and fun and I think I might be ready for Fall TV to start?
Header Image Source: A24