I don’t mean to freak anyone out, but frankly — I’M FREAKING OUT. How did I miss the memo about John Malkovich playing Hercule Poirot, and Rupert Grint playing an actual adult-looking adult person?!
The ABC Murders — Coming to Amazon Prime Video February 1
This series is based on the Agatha Christie classic mystery about alphabetic railroad murders, only with one of those fancy BBC-league casts (it’s a BBC/Amazon co-production) including Tara Fitzgerald (Game Of Thrones), Andrew Buchan (Broadchurch), Shirley Henderson (Harry Potter)… and John fucking Malkovich as the Belgian detective, Poirot. But it’s Rupert Grint that’s really blowing my mind. Like, I’ve watched him in shows as an adult. But give that boy a mustache and suddenly he looks like a MAN.
Next up, we have what I’m referring to as “Mads Mikkelsen, But Make Him Cold (x2)”:
Arctic — In theaters this February
Mads Mikkelsen survives a plane crash, which would be enough of an ordeal for most people — but not for Mads Mikkelsen! So now he’s gotta decide whether to wait around the crash site for help to arrive, or set off on a trek to find help himself. And from the looks of this trailer, he’ll choose whichever option guarantees he’ll get to fend off a polar bear with a flare. This one looks so stressful I already want to curl up in a quilt and never go outdoors again.
But wait, there’s more!
Polar — Coming to Netflix January 25
This time Mads Mikkelsen plays a former master assassin who retires someplace cold, meets a nice neighbor lady (Vanessa Hudgens), and then nearly gets assassinated himself! So, uh, he goes HAM on everybody, with virtual finger-guns? Whatever, I’m into it. Katheryn Winnick also stars in this adaptation of the popular graphic novel, directed by Jonas Åkerlund.
And speaking of hot Netflix action:
Close — Coming to Netflix January 18
Noomi Rapace plays a security expert who gets stuck guarding an heiress as a kidnapping plot goes haywire. But mostly what I’m saying is that Noomi Rapace plays a capable, lone wolf badass and that’s a mood I’d like to settle into this year. Damn I love that woman. This is a VERY GOOD TRAILER.
As opposed to this one, which is maybe the worst trailer I’ve ever seen:
Then Came You — In select theaters and On Demand February 1
To be clear, my objection with this trailer isn’t really an objection with the film, which seems harmless if cliched (quirky terminally ill girl teaches quirky hypochondriac boy the meaning of REALLY LIVING!). My objection is just that it’s really badly cut, basically. It tells you everything, there’s no momentum — it’s like there’s a rhythm that we all recognize film trailers should have, and this just doesn’t have it. But on the plus side, Arya Stark gets to have some fun hair, and I like Asa Butterfield, and for once the two quirky people aren’t falling in love with each other (looks like Butterfield falls for Nina Dobrev). So maybe the trailer will end up being the worst thing about this movie?
Teen Spirit — Coming to theaters this Spring
“Cinderella, but make her a pop star” is the concept, but the actual selling point seems to be Elle Fanning singing my Spotify shower playlist. Robyn’s “Dancing on my Own” is featured in the trailer, but apparently Fanning will be performing songs from other artists like Carly Rae Jepsen and Ariana Grande, which means this is one movie I’ll be happy to listen to, at the very least. It’s written and directed by Max Minghella.
Carmen Sandiego — Coming to Netflix January 18
This thief-amongst-thieves reboot focuses more on the “Who” of Carmen, rather than the “Where” — but I mean, it still looks like she’ll be doing plenty of globetrotting. Gina Rodriguez voices Carmen Sandiego, while Finn Wolfhard voices Player.
Header Image Source: Amazon Prime