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You Are Nothing, and No One, and 'Star Wars' Does Not Belong To You

By Genevieve, TK, Tori and Petr | Film | June 21, 2018 |

By Genevieve, TK, Tori and Petr | Film | June 21, 2018 |



Yeah, I’m certain idiots online can raise $200 million AND convince the actors to remake a film that is Perfectly Fine to begin with and has grossed over a billion dollars worldwide. Excellent use of time and resources, friends. Besides which, it is impossible to make everyone happy because everyone has a different understanding of what Star Wars is meant to be and what the story should be. Some probably want Kylo Ren to win, some probably want Poe to just be a big damn hero and save them all. You can’t make a movie that does both. But, to be clear, I hope they do go ahead and throw their money in the internet hole.

In fact, you can “save” Star Wars by falling in a fucking hole forever and never tainting the franchise or its fans with your arrogant, sexist, racist fucking horsepiss excuse for a brain, you useless streak on a pair of moldy underpants. I am so fucking TIRED of these asshole excuses for fans. These people should all be lined up, and backhand slapped in the face one by one by…I dunno, Terry Crews?

I know works of fiction can have meaningful impacts on people’s lives, but if you’re gonna go through ALL THAT FUCKING HASSLE, can’t you direct that energy toward something better than remaking a fucking movie? Raise the money and give it to charity! Take the time you would have spent making that movie and, I don’t know, tutor children! Or take the money and make your own new, original franchise that you can muck it about to your heart’s desire. It’s just, like, of ALL the things to still have your panties in a twist about, this fucking shit is it? SERIOUSLY?

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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