The Chia Pet Cinematic Universe is Coming, Because 2026 is That Kind of Year

What’s the stupidest IP that has made its way to the world of Hollywood? In a post-Barbie industry, it feels like everyone in the film and TV business is convinced they can make lightning strike twice. Hey, the doll film made a billion dollars and got a Best Picture nomination, so why not the Play-Doh movie, or Barney the dinosaur, or Furbies, or Polly Pocket? These are all films in development, by way. The Play-Doh one has Jon M. Chu attached. How much lower can they go? They found a way.

As reported by Variety, the film and TV rights behind the Chia Pet brand have been acquired by writer and producer Adam Jay Epstein and producers Ari Daniel Pinchot and Jonathan Rubenstein via their IP holding company, Rakia Media, and their film and TV production banner, Crystal City Entertainment. Yes, Chia Pets. The little terracotta figures you grow chia sprouts in so it looks like hair. That thing you bought someone as a joke one time.

Remember in The Studio how the idea of a Kool Aid movie was seen as the lowest of the low in terms of plundering any form of intellectual property for money? Seth Rogen, you missed a big one here.

“Chia Pets have been featured on our shelves since childhood and we’re thrilled to help grow the brand to new heights,” Adam Jay Epstein said in a statement. “We can’t wait for audiences to check out the world of Chia in theaters and screens across the world.”

What world? What storytelling potential? Barbie worked because it had decades of characters and story built into it. I can at least see the ‘love your imagination’ narrative you could spin from Play-Doh. But Chia Pets? The nostalgic novelty is minimal and there’s nothing there to explore! Did these producers really want to buy this IP or did they miss out on something more sensible and panic-bought whatever came along next? We’ve all been there, but usually it just means you bought an ugly dress or substandard take-away. Me buying that disappointing pizza didn’t mean I had to fork out $100m+ for a movie about an ugly plant pot!

Hollywood seriously misunderstands why Barbie worked. That film was pulled into greatness by a producer who cared, a director who was given the freedom to do her own thing, and a talented cast and crew who knew exactly how to bring humour, pathos, and creativity to a glorified corporate ad. Maybe lightning can strike twice, but you still need source material that works. I can see how, for example, a Beyblade movie would work. Chia Pets? Maybe we can get a Cronenbergian plant horror out of this, or a slow-burn art drama about the fragile life cycle of a sprout. But the chances are something in this will be voiced by Chris Pratt. You should have just handed your money over to the wallet inspector.