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Hell is Empty, and All the Devils Are in 'Paw Patrol: the Movie'

By James Field | Film | July 6, 2021 |

By James Field | Film | July 6, 2021 |


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It’s the gut punches you don’t see coming that hit the hardest. A sudden car accident. The unexpected loss of a pet or friend. Or, in this case, discovering there’s a motherf*cking Paw Patrol movie on its way.

The trailer came out a month ago, apparently, but I didn’t know about it until now. I wish I still didn’t. It’s not that Paw Patrol is the worst children’s show out there. After all Caillou and Max & Ruby still exist, teaching our children to be whiny little sociopaths. It’s that the terrible animation, catchy music, inescapable merchandise, and storylines written by a concussed duck add up to a perfect storm of childhood obsession. My wife and I limited our son to a couple of episodes a day because he’d watch 2 in a row and turn into a vicious little hellbeast. Paw Patrol is meth for preschoolers. Worse, because at least meth is hard to find. Paw Patrol is everywhere. I had to take him to the Paw Patrol Live! show a few years back. I blocked most of the experience from my memory, though it still wreaks havoc on my subconscious. Furries bounding across the stage in front of small children like it was a normal thing to do. Staring at the audience with their blank, empty eyes. Doll’s eyes. And those were human cast members; the pups were far worse. My son is still young enough to like the show, and we haven’t gone to the cinema for 18 months and oh Satan’s salty nutsack I’m going to end up seeing this in theaters. Maybe it isn’t as bad as I fear?

Goddammit.

Look, I try not to judge anyone else’s terrible entertainment. I watched Crossing Swords on Hulu. Twice. And that is not a good show. “Let people enjoy things” is my motto. But that’s only true until I’m forced to take part in the slow-motion trainwreck. And since my six-year-old can’t drive himself to the movie theater I think we all know who’ll end up taking him. Sitting in a theater recliner, stray popcorn kernels spread about like crunchy stars, gray matter leaking from my ears as the boy, hopped up on sugar and cop pupaganda, vibrates into the fifth dimension. Then there are the movie tie-in toys. For all I know there’s a line of commemorative plates. I hoped when Kayleigh McEnany claimed Paw Patrol was canceled because Chase is a cop that we might be free of it, but no such luck. Cancel culture fails yet again to provide lasting results.

Here’s the cast. Why am I not surprised Dax Shepard and a Kardashian are involved in this nightmare?

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Paw Patrol: The Movie comes to theaters and Paramount+ on August 20, and there isn’t a damn thing we can do to stop it.

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Header Image Source: YouTube trailer screenshots