A word of advice to you, my dear readers, one that I wish had been bestowed upon me when I was but a young internet explorer: Never ever Google Image search anything related to Sonic the Hedgehog. Don’t do it. I beg of you. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Rule 34 decrees that if something exists on the internet, there will be a pornographic version of it somewhere waiting to be discovered. Anyone in any way familiar with the weird world of Sonic the Hedgehog fandom will be all too aware of this. The Sonic lore is weird and hard to explain without sounding very high. One of the great icons of 1990s video games has had a strange history in the medium. He’s never had the same level of creative success as Mario but his fan-base may be even more zealous in their dedication to the lore.
With Nintendo bringing Detective Pikachu to the world and Illumination Entertainment planning an animated Super Mario Bros. movie soon, it made sense that the blue hedgehog with the sprinting records would get his own movie. IGN revealed a first look at the motion poster. Get it? Because Sonic goes fast.
Take a look at the brand new motion poster for Sonic The Hedgehog right here! pic.twitter.com/15n5APqaM0— IGN (@IGN) December 10, 2018
I know what you’re thinking. Won’t this inspire weird porn? Oh honey, you’re years behind on that! What you may not know is that Sonic is being voiced by Jean-Ralphio himself, Ben Schwartz.He’ll be assisted in his battle against the evil Dr. Robotnik by the newly appointed sheriff of Green Hills, as played by James Marsden, a man who deserves a much better career than he has. Also Jim Carrey is playing Robotnik. Did I mention this film is ‘live action’?
Sonic the Hedgehog is scheduled for release on November 9th, 2019. Its main competition will be the next Kingsman movie and a brand new Roland Emmerich destructathon.
Header Image Source: Getty Images.