Cap's Beard, And Other Sexy Things That Made Us Tingle In 2018
Well folks, the year is winding down, which means your Overlords are hard at work behind the scenes, arguing about our various “Best Of 2018” lists (spoiler alert: so far it’s mostly TK trying to keep Teen Titans GO! To The Movies off the lists, and the rest of us telling him he’s VERY VERY WRONG). But no matter how hard we try, there’s always stuff we loved that doesn’t quite fit anywhere. Things that aren’t full movies, or actors, or performances. Things that defy categorization. Things that are… well, THINGS. Objects. Moments. Sexy, beautiful tidbits that gave us feelings in our hearts (and pants) this year.
And because apparently I’ve been designated the “person who sexualizes random stuff the most”(probably thanks to that Pajiba 10 Sexy Cartoon list…), I’ve been asked to pull together a very special list of all this assorted awesome ephemera. So please keep in mind that these aren’t ALL MY IDEAS. Just, like, most of them are. Especially the ones that make you feel uncomfortable.
Regardless of whether you’re on the correct side of the “Best Chris” debate or not, I think we can all agree that Chris Evans
is definitely the Best Chris is super duper pretty. Especially in the face. And the sweatpants. And the everything.
But then Avengers: Infinity War came out, and this happened:
And it just hit me like woah:
That man has one fine-ass beard, and he knows how to work it! So on behalf of facial-hair fans and converts everywhere: Thanks for your service, Captain.
What began as a bad-CGI punchline in Justice League ended in another absolute facial hair victory by the time Henry Cavill’s mustachioed visage graced us in Mission: Impossible — Fallout. And look, Superman ain’t ugly. But this? This is GLORIOUS:
But perhaps the best part is the fact that Cavill was as big a fan of his ‘stache as the rest of the internet:
CATE BLANCHETT IN OCEAN’S 8 OMG
Sorry, I don’t mean to be so emphatic but DID YOU SEE HER? In my review, I claimed her performance as Lou in this film pushed me further along the Kinsey Scale, but if I’m being honest part of that is down to the mixed up sexual signals that occur when you both want someone AND WANT TO BE THEM. Or, in my case, WANT TO BE IN ALL OF THEIR CLOTHING. Roxana broke down the wonders of Blanchett’s looks, and nailed it on the head with this observation: “Lou actually dresses like how Johnny Depp thinks he dresses, which is to say, immaculately cut suits, a lot of velvet and leather, exceptional jackets, and SO MUCH JEWELRY.” And she’s right! But that’s also only half the story, because what happens when Cate slips into those plunging necklines and velvet blazers is a level of swagger that I know I’d never achieve with that closet. I still think she looked like she was auditioning to play Jareth in a Labyrinth reboot, and honestly that’s the highest sexual praise I can offer. That’s, like, memories of your first tingly pants feeling right there. That’s NOSTALGIA.
(Also Seth would like to remind everyone that her bangs are also hot AF)
Lando’s Whole Thing
And on the topic of general overall yumminess… I mean, I feel like I don’t need to justify myself. Just… c’mon. Look at this.
Yeah. I’m only talking about the necklace Chris Hemsworth wears in Bad Times at the El Royale — not the rainwater, unbuttoned shirt and Thor-chest that highlight it. Just. The. Necklace…
I haven’t seen A Star Is Born yet, but I’ve been assured that Jackson Maine’s hat is a real stand-out piece (Dustin’s got a whole thing about it). So I went trawling for pics or footage of it, and could hardly find any. In fact, the only clear pic I could find that really shows off both Bradley Cooper AND the hat is this one, in which he’s not even the one wearing it — Gaga is:
I’m pretty sure that’s proof that the hat gets around, and that’s enough for me to include it here. Ride on, dirty/sexy hat.
That Battle Axe
It should come as no surprise that I was aroused for basically the entirety of Mandy — a truth I’m probably supposed to be ashamed of but whatever, it’s been a shit year and I’ll take my kicks where I can get ‘em. And there were so many moments that contributed to my excitement, but if I had to pick any one thing to call out and be like “yo — this is HOT” it would be that time when Nic Cage’s heartbroken Red forged his own freakin’ battle-ax before setting out to crush some skulls with it.
Also that chainsaw fight deserves a mention. And, like, all the rest of the movie. Mandy is a whole mood for me, OK?
There are so many things that dazzled in Crazy Rich Asians that it seems like a shame to try and single out only one. Michelle Yeoh’s attitude, wardrobe, and emerald ring could all earn separate entries, and then there’s the Henry Golding of it all:
But frankly — I expected all of that to wow me. What I didn’t expect was for the film to make the food such a visceral part of the experience. From the street vendors to the dumpling scene, Crazy Rich Asians made me HUNGRY. And honestly, that’s kind of a big turn on for me too.
This Upbeat Inspirational Song About Life
Oh what, are you not attracted to a white tiger playing a keytar and singing with Michael Bolton’s voice? Teen Titans GO! To The Movies really did have it all (except TK’s approval).
Janelle Monáe’s Pussy Pants
Is this a cheat? Maybe. I know it’s not from a big theatrical release or anything, but I feel like special consideration should be given to something that features this year’s second place Pajiba 10 winner dancing in pants that look like vaginas, and then fake-birthing our Pajiba 10 winner out of them. What I’m saying is: the music video for “PYNK” is basically the best thing that happened to us this year.
So, what sexy things did we miss? The hurricane in Hurricane Heist? The Meg in The Meg? Dwayne Johnson’s skyscraper leap? Kate McKinnon’s circus fight in The Spy Who Dumped Me? Tell us below!
Header Image Source: Marvel; WB & MGM; RLJE Films
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