Can I call you Ryan? In my normal life I call you Baby Goose when talking about our imaginary marriage to my friends, but that’s probably too casual for the purposes of this letter. Because I have a very important, very professional question to ask: Where the hell are you?
I mean, look. I get it. You have a family. You and Eva Mendes seem to love each other a lot, or at least I assume so from the fact that you’ve stayed away from paparazzi despite years of living in Los Angeles; that’s pretty impressive. You have two daughters, and that’s really lovely.
I’m sure that your wonderful dog George also takes up a lot of your time. Have you scheduled his next haircut yet? RIP to George — and thank you to commenter Orah for letting me know he passed. He was a good boy.
BUT ALSO. WHERE ARE YOU.
Your last project was First Man, a movie in which you were very good. So good! I like that once you work with a director, you stay committed to them. I still really like La La Land; you show up for Damien Chazelle. And certainly for Nicolas Winding Refn—Drive is one of my favorite movies of all time! I also will go to bat for the very divisive Only God Forgives! Wanna fight, indeed!
BUT ALSO. WHERE ARE YOU.
Remember The Place Beyond the Pines? You shattered my whole heart in that! Sometimes I just cue up the “I’m still his father, I can give him stuff” scene on YouTube and cry, like a whole weirdo!
Related: Every moment of Blue Valentine, which makes me want to lock myself in my bathroom and sob for an hour! Derek Cianfrance has this new Western in development called Empire of the Summer Moon — it’s about a Comanche warrior, though, so actually, please don’t be in that movie.
And then there’s Shane Black! Remember The Nice Guys? You do physical comedy so well! That was a nice reminder! Sure, Black’s next project is the Dwayne Johnson vehicle Doc Savage, but maybe you and Russell Crowe can convince him to consider a Nice Guys sequel? It would make me so happy!
Denis Villeneuve has so much coming up! Could you cameo in Dune? Could you play Mark Antony in his Cleopatra adaptation? I am asking. I AM BEGGING.
Back in 2018, you provided photographs for the book Congo Stories: Battling Five Centuries of Exploitation and Greed after traveling to the country to learn more about how the Congolese have suffered for decades under American and European imperialism. Could you produce that into a movie or a book? Want to direct again? I liked Lost River! I might have been the only person! I’m here for you!
Ahem, related: What about a movie directed by a woman? I love you, buddy, but you gotta get on that. Time’s up! On me waiting for your next movie! But also, seriously, expand your horizons a little bit!
Look, I say this all with love. You’re my favorite actor. You’re so stoic and yearning, and you smirk so much, but you also seem very earnest, and I like all of that. I like it a lot. I miss you, buddy! 2019 was hell for a lot of reasons, primarily because you weren’t around. All my best to your family and all that shit but also, announce a new project already, dammit.
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