By Brian Prisco | Film | July 15, 2009 |
By Brian Prisco | Film | July 15, 2009 |
00:00:00: Today’s title comes from Genny (also Rusty) (also Foxxy) (also The Contessa). Fucking gingers.
00:00:35: Air Bud’s been replaced! Do they do doggie botox? Or do they just let them eat dented cans of spoiled peaches? I hear that’s how they killed the Presidents of the United States of America. The band, not the Obama, because we probably would have heard about that. His album didn’t do as well as Thriller, but still. Bud looks like a fucking Irish Setter. Fucking gingers.
00:01:05: Holy shit. They replaced Patrick — the vet boyfriend — with the dad from Pet Sematary. I like where this is going. No wonder Air Bud looks haggard. He’s a fucking zombie!
00:01:09: Oh, there’s Buddy. Same dog, same ugly-ass kid. Oh, childhood stars, will you never age well? It’s a wedding, so everyone’s in tuxes, including the dog. Must be some more of Josh’s sewing skills. I wonder if the priest will start to give the blessing, and Buddy will leap up and nose his balls through the big Huggy T.
00:01:34: Uh-oh. Dipshit forgot the ring! Fortunately, Buddy’s also a jeweler.
00:01:35: God doesn’t like it when you drag your ass on His carpet, dog. Just for that, i condemn you to play soccer!
00:01:52: Holy crap! Brandi Chastain is in this movie! Maybe she’ll drop trou this time.
00:02:10: Now Buddy knows how to work electronics and basic machinery. The world is his oyster.
00:02:25: Different house. Wow. I guess all they could afford was awkward child labor and a bevy of stunt pups. That’s pretty much all they need anyway. Maybe a screenwriter would have been good. But seriously, this is like remixing an episode of “Full House” with “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
00:02:55: Different mom, different sister. Cripes, this budget’s low. But the new girl playing the sister went on to play a rape victim trying to get an abortion because she was impregnated by her father Ron Perlman, with the seed of the devil in a John Landis short for those Master of Horrors films in Showtime. The horror pedigree in this flick is strong.
00:03:33: Uh-oh. Buddy spots the fine bitch from the opening scene. She’s a femme fatale, there to ruin him with her fertile vagina like all women do to professional athletes. Please for the love of anything that’s holy, do not play any of the following songs “Let’s Get It On,” “Foxy Lady,” or “Dreamweaver.” Basically anything that might give Garth Algar wood.
00:03:49: Ah, I see. The villain’s the dog catcher this time around. And I see he drives a beat up ice cream truck like conveyance somewhat similar to that of the last film. Surely this will end up crashing into the lake by the end of the film.
00:04:01: No time for ruv, doctor bones. There’s a wedding to be wove. To the chapel!
00:04:10: I think the trick is aging the mom ten years every film to offset the haggard puberty of Josh.
00:04:36: Saved by the pup! He’s got the RING! THEY WIN STATES! THE COACH’S JOB IS SAVED! MICHAEL JACKSON WAS INNOCENT! Too soon?
00:04:53: “You may now kiss the bride.” Should have just licked her face. You’ll regret it when you’re burying her next to Gage, son.
00:05:15: Air Bud got drunk at the reception and now he’s trying to get up on the little sister. Josh is dancing with a fat middle aged aunt-like figure. This round goes to the sister.
00:05:50: The little sister escapes the affections of a little creepy blonde haired boy carrying seven punch glasses by running off to play soccer. The little boy grew up to be Ted Boynton, The Boozehound.
00:06:08: That dog loves anything to do with balls. Obviously another closeted Hollywood gallant.
00:06:30: Every time Bud and his bitch get together they get cockblocked by the goddamn dogcatcher. Villain indeed.
00:06:40: Oh she dropped her collar. It’s a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella were just a shallow marketing ploy to get children to shill out money for subpar crap. So it’s totally a Cinderella moment.
00:07:00: “Who’s gonna help me carry Mom over the threshhold?” Christ, Doc, she hasn’t gotten that heavy yet, you lazy ass. Lug her your damn self. You married her, fuckface.
00:07:41: It’s so fucking strange, the slapstick in these movies. It’s like, if there’s a lull anywhere they need to fill it with people falling over or moving in slow motion.
00:07:46: “What do you think Dad’s thinking right now?” You’ll find out soon enough. We buried him next to the last dog in the Pet Sematary.
00:08:25: It’s three movies in. We’re focusing now on why the fucking daughter misses her Daddy? He’s a wormfarm. Fuck it. Closure. Move on. Be like Mommy and find solace in a cock.
00:09:00: Everyone in town knows Buddy. He’s like the fucking mayor. And in California, he’d actually be voted in.
00:09:35: For fuck’s sake, no wonder they made the puppies talk in the later films. Buddy’s using bark language to ask the other dogs where to find the girl dog. Fortunately, I’ve dated enough ugly chicks that I speak fluent bark. Yeah, that’s right. Ugly chicks aren’t people. I said it.
00:09:53: Whoa. Buddy’s baby lives in a mansion. Scorebachev!
00:10:07: Buddy’s outside the gates watching her from afar. I wonder if he’ll hold up a boom box playing a CD of dogs barking “In Your Eyes.”
00:10:30: We get it. She’s out of your league. She’s a high-class hound. He’s pushing her collar under the gate. Not with his nose, mind you. They broke out the paw on a stick effect. No money was wasted on the making of this film, I assure you.
00:10:52: The dog catcher has a henchman that sounds like a retarded Daniel Stern. C’mon, lazy screenwriter. Did you pass out high in front of Home Alone 2: Kevin Harder?
00:11:13: So they’re casing rich people’s homes to…steal their dogs? For ransom? For a satanic sacrifice? For romance? That’s like kidnapping one of the Plus 8 shits. Nobody’ll miss them. They don’t have names.
00:11:27: Why do all teenage boys drink milk or orange juice straight from the carton? I think the only reason it happens, is because they saw it in a movie. If we could trace it back to the UR movie and excise it, the trend would finally end. The same can happen with Rob Schneider. Trace the call! TRACE THE CALL!
00:11:48: Now that you’re my son, I’m going to give you a knife. One day you will kill me with it. It’s written in the stars, Slow Dances With Wolves.
00:12:14: You know, even though Josh is a teenage boy, it’s Buddy who keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night for some strange. Damn you, Disney. This is how we end up with a generation of Efrons and Wentzes.
00:12:20: The little sis keeps waking up looking at Buddy sneaking past her window. Bitch, he’s been doing that for years. Just now, when you magically sprout from four to twelve in two movies are you noticing it. I liked you better when you were staring into space and brushing things.
00:12:50: If I can’t see the girl dog, I’ll shit in their bushes! That’s worked on three out of the last four girlfriends for me!
00:13:24: Why do boys always fall for the girls that run in slow motion?
00:13:50: Oh. And she’s got a terrible British accent. I’m talking gay kid with a lisp at summer stock bad Shakespeare. She sounds like Henry Higgins changed her by disciplining her with a shovel. Dollars to donuts she’s not really British. And IMDB says you owe me a dozen Krispy Kreme. You can mail them to my house.
00:14:00: FOOTBALL? We’re here to play soccer! Hahah! Cause the rest of the world isn’t sophisticated like America. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!
00:14:22 There’s nothing odd about a sweater-clad boy and his dog staring at a bunch of preteen girls playing sports. Fuck the library. I want to leer until her accent gets worse.
00:14:25: Crabwalking to a dreadful lovesong by the same harpy shrilling at the end of Air Bud 2: This Bud’s For You.
00:14:45: “Time stands still while our feelings grow.” — Jeremy Feist, you’re wrong. Dance music doesn’t make you gay. This film soundtrack does.
00:14:55: They keep intercutting scenes of Josh mooning over the Brit Twit with the young girls’ soccering. I hope it cuts to show that Josh is so enamored with her that he looks down to find out he’s been red rocketing Buddy.
00:15:30: Practice is over after two minutes of drills. This is why girls are crap at sports.
00:15:41: Andrea’s trying to straighten up her brother. There’s someone I want you to meet. The J. Crew reject gawking at you from the sidelines.
00:16:12: There’s nothing like trying to get your swerve on in front of your younger sister. And your mom. And your dog. Buddy’s the only one with game here, fool.
00:16:45: Perfect. The Brit Twit owns the dog Buddy wants to make the dark gravy in. And she’s got a black servant lady who chauffers her. Why do you hate black people, Disney? Unless that’s her mom! Hah, interracial relationships don’t happen in Disney unless they’re pandas or some shit.
00:16:49: Ohhh! YEAH! Creepy Sweaty Kid’s back, here to deliver more awkward, awkward sexual innuendo.
00:17:05: Once more Josh changes sports for the allure of vagina. And the wayward sexual desperation of CSK.
00:17:15: And most of the team consists of football team rejects. We won the championship, saved the team and coach, and now — we’re quitting and playing soccer. Teen boys would find a cure for cancer for the promise of pussy.
00:17:33: Holy crap. The coach is Miguel Sandoval, one of the greatest character actors ever. When not getting irate over Sasha Baron Cohen, he basically plays a Latino cop or crimelord in everything. Way to stretch the envelope, Hollywood.
00:18:12: We can’t field a team until we get two more players. Anyone? Anyone with possibly a boner for the hot young British girl? Anyone at all? We just need a warm body.
00:18:25: “There’s no room here for basketball players.” Didn’t you see the last film? I play football now, bitch with blonde highlights. I see you’ll be my arch nemesis now. While my dog fights against trucks.
00:19:25: Josh keeps falling on his ass. Fortunately, Buddy showed up, so he’ll magically find skill.
00:20:21: One girl and ten teenage boys. A sexual assault is bound to happen.
00:20:40: “I dare anyone — EVEN THAT MUTT — to get a ball past me.” Says the Frosted Mini Douche. Guess what happens next? Guess? He DOES get hit by a falling chunk of frozen feces from an airplane!
00:20:55: So they’re going to actually have the dog shoot. It’s not even a surprise run on the field in this one. That’s the set up. The dog and the bully are actually staring each other down like gunslingers. I think one of my testicles just receded.
00:21:40: “Hey, coach. Can he play?” Well, he’s already lettered in two sports. I hope this dog’s taking his education seriously. His knee goes and BAM! He’s selling Mazdas to stockbrokers in Poughkeepsie.
00:22:04: Your mom died? My dad died! We should totally fuck.
00:22:37: Buddy’s real life trainer is once again a fat referee. Someone should do a background check. This hedgehog’s screaming NAMBLA.
00:23:15: Even when showing a movie about sports, it’s important to take a poke at fat people and how exercise makes them die.
00:25:00: Holy shit. They suck at soccer. Color me stunned.
00:26:59: Oh dear. CSK wants a bit o’ crumpet. Too bad she’s hot on Josh. This’ll be the first of many lonely nights of sockfucking for CSK.
00:27:35: Little Sis and her buddy, a scrawny little ginger, are painted up with purple and blue face paint like camo. Are they hiding in the Maxx from Saved by the Bell?
00:28:00: Josh is wearing aftershave. Someone’s gonna get fingerbanged tonight!
00:28:30: Sis’s following Buddy to see where he’s sneaking off to. Can’t a dog get his fuck on without some nosy bitch all up in his business?
00:29:05: “Come in, Bits. This is Kibbles. We found our pesky pooch.” This is why school shootings happen.
00:29:48: Uh-oh, we stumbled upon a soccer team party! We’re now spying on the older brother. Way to mind your beeswax, Ramona. You cunt.
00:30:27: CSK showed up in a kilt and a giant beefeater cap. He looks like a gay boom mic.
00:30:51: Does the movie have to go into slow motion every time Josh looks at the blonde girl? Accompanied by a bad female pop rock chorus? Where is the soccer playing dog, goddammit?
00:31:29: Higgledy piggledy? British people, do you ever use that phrase? They’re insulting your country! Go punt a dog for revenge!
00:31:43: For some reason. there are bubbles randomly floating from the ceiling. This is why I don’t go to social gatherings.
00:32:33: They’re making the poor black servant talk in a terrible British accent also? That’s gotta be against some amendment. We didn’t get Obama in office soon enough.
00:32:50: Somewhere, some place, there’s a swarthy douche freezing this scene and saying to his e-Harmony date: “See? That’s me, doing the Dustin Rowles White Boy Boogie.” And he’s not getting laid either. (Hey! — DR)
00:33:09: So the Little Indian Olsen Twins finally figured out Buddy has a girlfriend. Because he’s sitting next to a girl dog. That’s how we claimed tang in middle school too.
00:33:18: Whoa. Gratuitous doggie makeout scene. She looks bored while he licks her. Christ, this really is my middle school. Love U 4EVA Amy!
00:33:45: The sure way to impress your potential mate’s father is by jimmying open a door he’s locked behind with your Swiss army knife. You always carry a knife? Surely, I’ll leave you alone with my daughter.
00:33:58: The black maid’s name is Mrs. Brimstone. The Song of the South shall nevah fade.
00:34:19: What pocketknife has a dog whistle? Do Boy Scouts often need one in the wilderness? If you blew that at a timberwolf, he’d laugh before he ate you.
00:34:25: And powerful. Able to summon dogs from four counties over apparently.
00:34:47: How the pigfuck would a pack of wild dogs ring a goddamn doorbell?
00:35:06: A horde of dogs has run amok in the party. Because he blew a tin whistle. I don’t know what dog whistles do, but I’m pretty sure they don’t summon a ravaging pack of animals. Because otherwise more people would have them.
00:35:19: Our work here is done. Time to amscray! Buttsniff at Pete’s!
00:36:11: I just realized that the dogcatcher Meisterburger Mind is the lawyer from Jurassic Park who gets eaten on the shitter. He’s moved up in the food chain.
00:36:31: Buddy’s bringing a loaf of french bread to his gal pal? Everyone knows the way into a dog’s pants is spaghetti and meatballs!
00:36:52: Holy hell. He already got her pregnant? He shoots, he scores!
00:37:24: The Father of the British girl was the New Zorro. What? I guess they were easing away from the whole Latino angle and more towards the Gay Blade.
00:38:31: I still don’t understands what the dog catchers hope to accomplish. Are they going to steal the dog, robe the house, murder the father? The butler interview to become an inside man went smashing: You’ve got an obviously fake moustache and a butler costume. You’re hired!
00:39:02: Uh-oh. Here’s the mean coach. Laughing cause they have a girl. Who’s this buddy? Wait till you find out, sneering coach bastard!
00:39:50: Obviously all British people are inherently good at soccer. As well as dry wit, teadrinking, and writing plays.
00:40:38: “Will somebody cover that dog!” Is that the catchphrase for this movie? Like “Yippie ki yay, motherbarker.” or “I’ll be bark.”
00:41:14: Best time to ask a girl out? In the middle of a soccer game. Even better time? When she’s giving birth.
00:41:22: She still said yes. Trollop. He shoots, he scores!
00:41:38: “Girls? Dogs? What’s next? A water buffalo?” I believe the progression goes rappin’ granny next, guy in fat suit, girl dressed as a boy, and then chimp.
00:42:00: Mean coach is lodging a protest. Against the dog? The girl? Or both! You can’t change our traditional town! Everybody….FOOTLOOSE! FOOTLOOSE! Kick off your Sunday shoooos!
00:42:26: That’s it, Josh. Take love advice from CSK or swarthy blonde tipped mortal enemy. Roofies are for everyone!
00:43:01: Aww! Air Bud’s making a delicious ice cream sundae for his baby’s momma. That’s how we do it around our house when we’re sad and fat.
00:43:06: Is this fucking Gremlins? Food flying everywhere by seemingly invisible hands. I hope the ice cream jerk sees him and shoves him in the microwave to explode.
00:43:31: Good first date feature. Josh wears his sunglasses at night, so he can, so he can seeeeee…. Ninja Bloody Ninja.
00:43:53: Why do all teen boys wear leather jackets and talk about motorcycles to seem cool? “You have a motorcycle?” Yeah, well, you’re supposed to have a British accent, so let’s suspend our disbelief, you slag.
00:44:32: Buddy and his lady are watching what appears to be doggie porn on TV. He likes it ruff. Oh, god, it’s starting to get under my skin. It’s IN THE WATER.
00:44:48: They’re priming the little sister to be a lesbian in the later films. I mean a fake ass Katy Perry kind, not the actual fun kind of lesbian.
00:45:11: Jesus Christ! Cookie, fluffernutter sammiches, Pepsi. Are they pregnant too?
00:45:50: Josh is being a twit. I know this because Brit Twit called him one. Pot, meet kettle. Movie, meet taint.
00:45:58: She called him a hipster nutcase. Maybe in five years when he discovers Tarantino and Troma films. But dude’s in a leather jacket and sunglasses. He’s trying to be Fonzie, not that fat barista who always sighs when you order a frappucino.
00:46:55: A lot of times, when my dates go bad, I like to sit and stare at a jar of peanut butter too.
00:46:56: Buddy just walked in. I like where this is headed.
00:47:05: “Hope you had a better night than me.” I got laid, bitch. How’s them blueballs treating you? I can lick mine.
00:47:16: Here comes Stepdad to give some wise advice. Whatever happens, don’t bury him. Sometimes they come back.
00:48:00: I think this background song was written by Boyz II Worse Boyz. Or 2Gether.
00:49:00: The conference has decided to disqualify your team. Because you have a dog. And Air Bud. But why? That doesn’t make any sense! How dare they use logic to thwart us! It’s unfair, I tells ya.
00:49:57: The coach’s calling out Emma to prove his point. Is he going to sacrifice her virginity to appease the league? Or just pull up her shirt to taunt the other team?
00:50:30: He had her kick a goal from the sidelines. Then said, “Fernfield 1, Roxbury 0. We won. Let’s go home.” God, if only all team soccer went that way.
00:50:48: Buddy’s on the run. Either the other dog’s having the puppies and he’s running to be with her, or the other dog’s having puppies and he’s running for the city to be with Paris Hilton’s chiahuahua. Or someone’s grilling Johnsonville brats.
00:51:15: Where are we going? There’s no time to explain! What about in the car ride over. It probably only takes a minute. You could have answered my question in the time it took to type this sentence. You’re just being hateful, and I don’t like it.
00:51:26: “I think they’re more than just friends. Buddy’s over here every day.” Does that many you’re gonna have Josh puppies, bad British accent?
00:52:02: The dog’s having puppies, not giving birth to Jesus. Chances are she’s going to eat a few of them, so calm the fuck down.
00:52:21: He’s another unwed middle school parent. Now they’ll definitely have to let him back on the team.
00:52:35: Buddy might want to get a pupternity test. After watching his touchdown dance in the last film, it’d be a neat trick if he could make puppies without balls. Same goes for Josh.
00:52:56: “Would you like to come see them?” She’s talking about the puppies, Josh. And by puppies, I mean her breasts.
00:53:12: Behold your undoing, Parents of America. You thought you’d be safe when Buddy died off. Now I bring you — The Air Buddies. Kneel before Zod.
00:53:50: I think the rest of the movie is just going to be Buddy’s puppies getting licked by the mom. It’s gotta be better than whatever else they had planned.
00:54:30: If you come back to the team, I’ll make out with you, Josh. This coach really wants a winning season.
00:55:05: The evil coach’s son is miffed because his pops got Air Bud’s team banned from the league. God, if that douchey speech is what gets him reinstated….
00:55:58: Ugh. It worked.
00:56:21: It’s puppies with soccer balls! You cannot resist the cuteness!
00:56:42: They frolic! Watch them frolic! Holy shit, those puppies are huge! They must be feeding them the same steroids they’re shooting the sister up with. By the next film, those little fucks will be the size of Clifford.
00:57:27: What the hell are the feeding them? Purina and Roids? That’s what makes Manny Ramirez go!
00:57:50: Just in case you forgot, those pesky thieves are still scheming. To do what? I have no fucking idea. I was confluffled by adorable puppies. Maybe they’re going to make them into a vest.
00:59:06: They ARE stealing the puppies. Do they work for a Korean BBQ?
01:00:00: If you hear the strains of a musical number from Beauty and the Beast, run dogs! RUN!
01:00:58: What the hell? Is Josh a dog whisperer? Once again, Buddy is going to miss his fucking game. That dog is an unreliable athlete.
01:02:50: These announcers look like they were booted from NPR for looking too hipstery. They look like they should be bodyguards for Janeane Garofalo’s abortion clinic visits.
01:03:22: How are they going to play when they are missing three players? They don’t have anyone else? Isn’t that the whole point of Josh and Buddy joining the te— AAAAGHHKK! Logic aneurysm! Must. Love. Dogs.
01:04:27: They’re already going to nab us for puppynapping. Mine as well add triple homicide to the charges. Either way we get the chair in this state.
01:05:30: The shitty team’s losing! Also, we landed on the moon!
01:05:50: Oh, good. They blew the dog whistle. To summon all the hounds of Hell and Fernfield. JUMANJI! (Any day I can work the word Jumanji! into conversation is a day well spent!)
01:06:31: They play soccer in this film like dogs write screenplays.
01:06:59: They digitally added the same four dogs to make a pack hurtling towards the rescue. And I’m pretty sure one of those dogs is Buddy. It’s a meta-film!
01:07:17: Oh no! Dogs! Hundreds and hundreds of the same four dogs! Not the five puppies we kidnapped for no conceivably logical reason! But four different dogs! So many dogs!
01:08:08: We’ll be safe if we climb this stepladder to the middle of nowhere! Disney has no respect for your children.
01:09:04: The close up pathos of Air Buddy. That’s going on the memorial screen at the Oscars when he dies.
01:09:42: He wanted to get rich by stealing puppies. How? Did he get an MBA from the Underwear Gnomes?
01:09:55: I know you tried to steal our puppies and you violated the sanctity of our home with your lies, evil henchman. So we’ll go ahead and just give you one of the dogs. It can turn even the most evildoer good. Maybe if they gave Darth Vader a puppy he wouldn’t have blown up Alderaan. Fuck that, he would’ve just force choked the little shit.
01:10:07: There’s ten minutes left in the movie! Just enough time to make it across town to win the state championship in yet another sport we’ll abandon next year!
01:11:40: Did they weave puppy jerseys on the way to the game? Where are the these dogs getting their clothes from?
01:11:58: Fuck you, rules of soccer! We’re just going to send in random players at will. There’s four minutes left anyway. Nobody’ll notice. It’s soccer! Who the fuck is watching? Four drunk Scots bitching about how American soccer is shit compared to football? And rugby? Fuck you, dog!
01:12:22: Don’t they always need just ONE MORE GOAL to win? For once, can’t it just be a violent rout?
01:13:18: Clearly Air Bud was offsides. Then again, clearly he’s a fucking dog, so who cares? GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
01:13:28: AIR BUD WINS! North Korea SURRENDERS! PEACE COMES TO THE MIDDLE EAST! MADONNA RETIRES! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!
01:13:46: And Miguel Sandoval shakes a little boy like a pinata.
01:14:20: Congratulations, Briana Scurry. You competed on the Olympic Stage and you’re less important then a stunt dog. Gaze into your future, Michael Phelps.
01:14:42: The only way the US is going to win the World Cup is in an Air Bud movie.
01:16:41: They’re sending Buddy in for substitute at goalie, because Briana Scurry injured herself. This has made a sham out of an already sham sport. Plus, Buddy’s a boy. Way to set back the advancement of Title IX, Disney. I hope the Norwegian team protests, bombs L.A., and all IKEA furniture turns into Amish transformers and kills as all. I realize its a Swedish company, but c’mon! Do you really think the Swedes are joining our side? Bull fucking meatballs.
01:18:01: The women’s team is touching up on Buddy. It’d be hilarious if his girlfriend ran on out and bit Brandy Chastain for getting all up on her man.
01:18:41: The end credits are basically the Women’s US World Cup Championship team playing with puppies while the sappiest poppiest flamingst song ever plays over the credits. It’s like a Christian rock group covered The Turtles. GOOOOOOOOAAAAA—
Brian Prisco is a bitter little man stomping sour grapes into fine whine in the valleys of North Hollywood. He’s a screenwriter who’s never been professionally produced, an actor who’s never joined a guild, and a director who made one bad film. He’s one waiter apron away from a cliche, and he’s available for children’s parties. You can tell him how much you hate him at priscogospel at hotmail dot com.