The Honeymoon that I watched is from 2014 and stars Rose Leslie (Game of Thrones) and Harry Treadaway (Penny Dreadful). Leigh Janiak made her directorial debut with the supposed horror thriller, which she co-wrote (her first writing credit) with Phil Graziadei (whose only writing credit is this movie and The Craft with no year attached). That explains a lot about the problems with this movie that have led me to all of these questions.
1. How are Bea (Leslie) and Paul (Treadaway) the horniest set of people I’ve ever seen in a horror movie, ever? There were so many wet kissing noises and sex scenes that I was tempted to turn it off before anything even resembling horror began to happen. I understand that they are young and newly married, but holy god. They have sex in a bathtub. They have sex on the bed. They have sex all of the places and he tries to jam his hands down her pants like forty times.
2. Why was Will breaking things in the restaurant? Right before The Thing That Happens occurs, Paul and Bea go into town to have dinner. There’s apparently only one place to go and Bea’s childhood friend Will is smashing stuff and telling them to leave. He’s wearing a hat we learn he’s had for ages, but Bea doesn’t recognize him. That’s all whatever, BUT WHY ARE YOU BREAKING STUFF, BRO? It’s your wife’s restaurant soooo
3. Where are their families? Does anyone have a family? There is talk of Bea’s dad and the honeymoon itself takes place in her family cabin. Bea starts acting strangely and Paul wants to take her to a hospital. Do you have family to call to help you? “Hey, Bea is acting like a lunatic and won’t go to the hospital, could you do me a solid and head out here?” No?
4. When you find your wife naked in the woods in the middle of the night, why would you just take her back to the cabin? Bea sees a stupid light and wanders into the woods after Paul is awoken by an alarm to go fishing. Except the alarm was wrong and went off way too early, so the light must have planned on getting him out of the room to get Bea to walk into the woods. WHICH MAKES NO SENSE EVEN AT THE END OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE SPOILERS: THERE IS NO REAL EXPLANATION OF ANYTHING EVER.
5. When your horndog wife suddenly stops letting you bang a gong and get it on and you notice what look like snake bites on her inner thighs, SEE NUMBER THREE AND TELL ME AGAIN WHY YOU DO NOT FORCE TINY, 80 POUND ROSE LESLIE INTO A DAMNED CAR AND DRIVE HER ASS TO HOSPITAL???
6. Is Harry Treadaway attractive? I’m not sure. I don’t like his teeth and his character was such a wet-faced sex fiend that I’m truly not sure here. HE HAS A TWIN BROTHER?? THEY MADE OUT IN A MOVIE?? I’m out.
7. Are men really so inept at detecting physical changes to the women they purport to love the most? I feel like I would notice if my husband was so pale he was translucent and his pupils were always dilated. I feel like I would notice that and do something. Not Paul! He just cries and whines about not getting any ass.
8. I’m not going to bore you with the investigative part of the flick, because it doesn’t mean much. Instead, POP QUIZ: You catch your new wife in the bathroom floor jamming a sharp object into her vagina. Do you: A - Intervene; B - Yell and Look for Car Keys; C - LOSE YOUR EFFING MIND AND FINALLY GET THAT BITCH SOME HELP?
The answer in this movie is tie her to the bed and then try to finger her. Which brings me to my next question.
9. Did I really just watch this gross asshole lick and kiss his obviously suffering wife’s shell of a body and say she “tastes the same”?
10. Did I really just see that same piece of garbage jam his hand into her vagina and ask her what that feels like? Because I feel like that just happened and maybe that’s not a thing I should ever have to see ever.
11. SPOILER: What did Paul pull out of Bea’s vagooter? Is that a parasite? Is it an alien baby?
12. Why did I laugh at the scene where Paul is tied to an anchor and Bea tosses him over the boat’s edge to “hide” him from the creatures she described as accosting her in the woods?
I know the answer to that one: That shit was hilarious.
13. What are those creatures? Aliens? Sasquatch? That dude in the rain slicker from I Know What You Did Last Summer? I mean, there is no inkling about what they are or why they are or what they want from Bea and her now scaly, gross body shell. There is no closure. There is only the memory of a very horny pair and a husband unable to emotionally deal with a lack of constant physical contact with his wife.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m more terrified of the character Paul than whatever those creatures are that scooped out Bea’s being and filled it with infant worm monsters.