Hi! If You Didn't Like That Suicide Squad Trailer, You're An Idiot That Hates Fun!
Hi! It’s me, Joe Starr, internet writer and joke teller! And oh boy let me tell you, I really, really liked that new Suicide Squad trailer. I mean, I liked the last one too, but this one was super cool. Like, really cool. In fact, it looks so cool that if you didn’t like it, you’re a big dumb idiot with a dumb face!
Ugh, fine. You’re not an idiot. It would be dumb to call someone an idiot because they don’t like a thing. I mean, it’s a trailer for a movie and having an opinion of it doesn’t really change you as a person or have a direct effect on my life but this is the internet so HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE THIS TRAILER I WISH A GYSPY WOULD CURSE YOU LIKE IN THE MOVIE THINNER.
Oh man. Remember Thinner? Remember Kari Wuhrer? So hot. She was in Thinner. She’s an unsung hero of our teenage years. When I bought Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2, I never once suspected it would make me a man
But then it did.
What the fuck was this article about again? *scrolls up*
Oh yeah, it’s clickbait about how you’re a god damn moron!
Look, I get it. Man of Steel kind of eats one, Batman vs. Superman looks like it could single handedly be ruined by that Michael Cera kid from the Social Network, and the Wonder Woman footage was DARK. Not like, tone dark. I mean David Goyer forced Patty Jenkins to make the footage so dark it’s literally hard to see. But hey, Goyer sort of sucks, and Zack Snyder is the love child of Michael Bay and Rob Liefeld, and Patty Jenkins was probably hired for the same reason Marvel hires most of their directors — the studio gets to push them around.
But David Ayer? The director of End of Watch and Fury? The writer of Dark Blue and Training Day? Not so. Suicide Squad feels completely different from Man of Steel, BvS, and the screened Wonder Woman footage, and I have a feeling it’s because David Ayer laughed for 20 to 30 minutes in Zack Snyder’s face when he received the note to really layer on those Snyder trademark Instagram filters.
“No, guy still wearing JNCO jeans that ruined Watchmen. I am David Ayers, you see.”
The movie feels different. The advertising feels different. When you hate DC films, know that you hate a specific think tank, and that’s completely acceptable. Their track record suuucks. But this? This looks like something completely different, you spiteful jackass. This is a solid filmmaker putting together a fantastic cast and making the movie he wants to make, guy that made 300 be damned.
Am I sold on the Joker? I dunno. He looks weird, but he’s pretty cool in this trailer. Look, I’ve seen a lot of people bitching about him doing things like perfectly organizing a spiral of floor knives and saying ‘that’s not something the Joker would do!’ and to that, you are completely wrong. If the Joker is doing things you would nod and say ‘yes that is a Joker thing,’ that’s boring and makes for a bad Joker.
What I’m saying is I have no idea what to expect from this Joker, or from this movie, and in the world of comic book films, that’s a rare luxury. Apparently it’s ‘C and D list villains tossed into Escape From New York from the guy that wrote Training Day,’ and I want to watch the shit out of that movie. DC has some fantastic villains, and they have an opportunity to introduce you to a shitload of awesome ones in a single movie. If any of these guys survive, we could live in a world where Killer Croc is a top comic book movie villain. It’s certainly not implausible: this trailer of villains was more interesting than an entire movie’s worth of Dark Elves and Ronan.
Anyway, the point is that this movie looks cool and you’re an idiot or something. I mean, you’re not really*, but I needed to get you to click this article. So. Here we are. Umm…you want to go play Command and Conquer and watch Thinner?
*unless you’re in the camp that think it looks like a Guardians rip off because Guardians of the Galaxy invented ‘groups of people’ and ‘humor.’ You actually have a terrible dumb opinion brain and I openly hate you.