Today the portfolio cover of Vanity Fair’s 24th Annual “Hollywood Issue” was revealed… and the Overlords had some thoughts. I suppose calling this a “Photoshop Hell” post isn’t fair, since the problems have less to do with the photo manipulations and more to do with the styling, the poses, and basically everything that went into the art direction. But, well, it’s certainly SOME kind of hell. Here, let me show you:
- Why is Oprah draped in white women? I mean, I bet she’s a helluva good cuddler, but this seems excessive.
- Why does it look like Reese is sitting on Oprah’s knee? Like, Oprah ain’t Santa — even if she does give away her Favorite Things.
- Why is Nicole sitting between Oprah’s legs like she’s waiting to have her hair braided? IS THIS A HOLLYWOOD SLEEPOVER?!
- And Tom… I got nothing for you, buddy. You just keep propping up that wall.
- Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Harrison “Fuck you, I’m not putting on a damn tie” Ford. Anyone wanna put money on whether that’s the suit he married Calista in?
- Michael Shannon wasn’t actually invited. He’s just the local Hollywood perv that wandered into the shot. (That is not a slam against Mr. Shannon, he does wonderful work… but he looks like a creeper)
- I was gonna crack a joke about how VF can only feature one black man at a time on this cover, but in 2014 Jordan was featured alongside Chiwetel Ejiofor, Idris Elba, AND Chadwick Boseman (Jordan’s Black Panther co-star). After that, 2015 showcased David Oyelowo, and then 2016 and 2017 were devoted to all-female lineups. So really, Jordan should just be happy he’s got another crack at this. In fact, that’s his “I’m taking this so super serious, ya’ll” face.
- Also, I was gonna propose we play a round of “FMK” with Jordan, Shannon, and Ford, but I just want to hug them all so let’s not even make it weirder, OK?
- As Genevieve noted, “Zendaya is also winning the pose-off there, but her makeup is really weirdly flat.” Agreed! Why can’t the girl get some glam lips or something? Did Chastain bogart all the red lippy?
- Speaking of Jessica Chastain, she found the wind machine. Funny how literally nobody else did.
- And poor, poor, uncomfortable Claire Foy. She got stuck with the patented reclining “I’m so relaxed I’m sliding out of frame” pose. Leibovitz loves that shit.
- Look, I know she played a badass Amazonian warrior princess/goddess, but why can’t Gal Gadot wear a real skirt like the other women? Is she, like, contractually obligated to show off her legs because of her Wonder Woman costume? It just seems like she’s hanging out in fancy dress underwear rather than, you know, an actual fancy dress. But wait! It seems she found Chastain’s wind machine, which… actually makes the transparent skirt seem even more uncomfortable, don’t you think?
- Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Robert “Who, me?” De Niro. He literally just popped by to keep Graydon Carter company. He wears tuxedos all the time. He doesn’t give a shit about this magazine, the camera, or you.
- And yes, that wingnut in the back is Vanity Fair’s departing editor/landmark, Graydon Carter. He shops at the same tuxedo store as De Niro.
Finally, if you DO want to explore the photoshopping of this cover, let me direct your attention to the mystery of Reese’s third leg (this twitter thread digs DEEP):
I don’t consider Reese as sitting on Oprah but I do wonder about Reese’s 3 legs??? pic.twitter.com/MSgx2ODkXH— Nichole ✨✨✨ (@tnwhiskeywoman) January 25, 2018