When Will the Persecution of Ryan Lochte Finally End?
Listen, everybody, I know Ryan Lochte has had a few missteps recently. Way back in 4 weeks ago, when he was but a small child, he accidentally committed a crime by destroying someone else’s property and then flagrantly lying about that to the police. You know, how shit happens sometimes. But he’s put that behind him.
He’s doing the motherfucking foxtrot now. He’s putting his body in clothes, and then doing physically challenging things to get money and adoration. But as you might have seen from that incredibly violent video, some people are just not willing to put the events of late this summer behind them.
Just minutes after Lochte proved that he’s deserving of (a) second chance(s) by continuing to learn and perfect some form of performance-based competition, some monster and his equal monster friend stormed the stage only to be immediately rushed by bodyguards. And the worst part? Their shirts said “Lochte” but with a red circle and a line through it. That’s the bad kind of Lochte shirt, people. It’s the most destructive symbol since the winking eye suggestion. And then four other people in the bad shirts stood up and started chanting even more bad things about Ryan. The whole terrible display held up taping for what must have been solid minutes.
And before you write this off as a minor protest that ABC originally even refused to air, I’d like to remind you that Lochte’s little boy heart was broken. Broken.
At that moment I was really heartbroken. My heart just sunk. And it felt like someone just ripped it apart … Then I had to brush it off. I had to realize that I came out here in front of millions, and did something that I don’t know how to do. I don’t know how to dance. And I gave it my all. And, you know, I’m glad that I did it and I’m glad that I’m here.
He doesn’t know how to dance.
Luckily for Lochte, his boys have not abandoned him, and his brand new bro Derek Hough told those protestors to get outta here.
This is my home and I was just so shocked that people would come here and be so negative. This is a safe place for people to learn a new skill and seek redemption or start a new chapter in their life and that’s what Ryan is trying to do and I just felt so defensive that someone would try and ruin that for him and for everyone watching, so I took it upon myself to make sure they were escorted out. I wanted to protect my home.
YES, DEREK I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT THAT WOULD BE LIKE. CAN YOU IMAGINE SPENDING ALL THAT TIME AND EFFORT CREATING A SAFE, WELCOMING ENVIRONMENT FOR PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE TO COME TOGETHER IN THE SPIRIT OF COMPETITION ONLY TO HAVE A GROUP OF ASSHOLES RUIN THAT BY BEING COMPLETELY INCONSIDERATE JACKWADS? AND THEN TO HAVE THEM LIE ABOUT THE PROTEST AND SAY THAT THEY WERE THE VICTIMS OF MYSTERIOUS BROWN PEOPLE REINFORCING RACIST BELIEFS ABOUT — OH WAIT, THAT LAST PART DIDN’T HAPPEN? FUCK YOU, HOUGH.
Tune in next week for our ongoing series “Ryan Lochte Continues To Be A Giant Fucking Idiot.”