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We Write Every Beyonce Think Piece So You Never Have To Again

By Riley Silverman | Celebrity | February 19, 2016 |

By Riley Silverman | Celebrity | February 19, 2016 |

Beyonce. I know, already you’re getting excited. Either you’re starting to get overexcited, or you’re about to worry about the imminent threat to our way of life inherent in that one word. Let’s face it, these days there is no subject closer to our hearts than Beyonce. You can’t open the door on a Saturday morning without someone there to tell you about the wonders of her newest surprise video. We are truly living in the Beyonce decade, maybe even the Beyonce century, and the further we get into it, the more the think piece industry has begun to depend on Beyonce as a source of renewable energy. Whether it’s about how racist or not racist the “Formation” video is, or about how Beyonce is completely responsible for the rise in crime rates. Do you want to talk about capitalism? Bey’s got you covered.

The genius of Beyonce think pieces is that she can be plugged into a limitless number of arguments and ideas. After all, everyone knows who Beyonce is, but not everyone knows about things a given writer might care about. Here are just a few examples of actual articles that human people have written about Beyonce, in just the last few weeks:

(Also: Why It Matters That Beyonce Didn’t Put Her Key Back In The Hide-A-Key Like My Listing Specifically Requested!)


(Psst: Floyd, You’re Never Helping)


And maybe my personal favorite:


With all of this in mind, I imagine that it must be getting tougher and tougher for my fellow think piecers to think … of … pieces … that can really do the bending of Beyonce to our collective wills justice. So, as a service to them, I have enlisted the aid of a few of my fellow Pajibans to put together this useful list of future Beyonce think pieces. Feel free to come back here and snag one or more of them the next time she releases a track we didn’t expect or is booked to perform at a major event.

—Why Beyonce’s Legal Inexperience Makes Her The Perfect Supreme Court Candidate

—How Beyonce’s Celebration of Red Lobster Is a Slap In The Face Of My Shellfish Allergy

—The Only Thing That Stops A Bad Guy With A Beyonce Is A Good Guy With A Beyonce

—Why Jared Leto Is The Worst Choice To Play Beyonce In Upcoming Biopic

—Beyonce Settles Once And For All How To Pronounce ‘Biopic’

—Why Everyone Is Having The Wrong Conversation About Beyonce Safety

—Man-Made Beyonce Is A Hoax By Liberal Scientists: Beyonce Has Been A Natural Occurring Phenomenon For Millennia

—Calm Down Everyone, Beyonce Is Not Controlling Superdelegates

— What Buying Beyonce Albums Means For Your Deductions This Tax Season

—The Cheapest Beyonce Destination Vacations

—Why The Pope Will Wish Beyonce Was President When ISIS Comes Along

—Yes, It Matters That All The Oscar Nominees Are Not Beyonce

—An All Caps Explosion Of Feelings Regarding The Liberal Backlash Against Beyonce

There, that should get us through at least the next Beyonce cycle. Well, half of it maybe. After the dust has settled, though, I think the reality is that all of these articles, both those that exist and those that I’ve provided for future think piecers, all come down to one base argument. A position best summed up by this slogan from a ModCloth t-shirt that is sadly out of stock: