Hello, friends. Are you a currently working director with varying degrees of success who has recently hit a rough patch because of the terrible garbage you’ve said about the women starring in your movies? Never fear. Pajiba is here to help you get your apology right.
Do Take Responsibility For What You Said
Before any apologies can take place, you need to communicate to the wronged party exactly what it is that you regret. Let’s hear first from John Carney:
I said a number of things about Keira which were petty, mean, and hurtful.
Well done. And Mr. Michael Bay?
So I guess I was the ‘bad guy’ 16 years ago for suggesting a trainer because she just had her new beautiful baby girl-and she was about to enter into an intensive action movie. Note to reporters: 95 % of leads in movies have trainers and drink green juice!
Eh, no, that’s not really the problem. I mean, insisting a nurse from the 1940s be super ripped because of your own personal, current beauty standards is shitty film-making, and pretending you were only concerned for how her recently de-babyed body would hold-up to the action scenes seems disingenuous. But you did refrain from calling the baby “not too beautiful.” So let’s just move on.
Don’t Confuse An Explanation For An Excuse
Actions don’t exist in a vacuum so explaining the context of your mistake does make sense. But don’t presume that because your actions can be explained they should be excused. Let’s start again with Mr. Carney:
I’m ashamed of myself that I could say such things and I’ve been trying to account for what they say about me. In trying to pick holes in my own work, I ended up blaming someone else. That’s not only bad directing, that’s shoddy behaviour, that I am not in any way proud of.
Very nice. We understand both the terrible train of thinking that lead you to say what you said, and that you aren’t using that thinking to deflect any responsibility. Now, Michael, let’s try this again, shall we?
Yesterday I read in the press that I don’t think Kate Beckinsale is ‘a stunning beauty,’ huh? And they went on to suggest that Kate and I don’t like each other? Well, totally untrue. Kate and I are friendly. She is a fantastic actress, very funny, witty lady, sassy, speaks her mind, and I truly respect her. That’s why she has come to so many of my Christmas parties and Birthday parties.
Again, I think you might be missing the point. Because there’s this whole thing called “video recording equipment” with which you might be familiar. It allows us to record the motion and sound of a person or thing. And because of this miraculous invention, we have concrete proof that you said, “I didn’t want someone who was too beautiful. Women feel disturbed when they see someone’s too pretty.” Thus implying that Beckinsale is not “too beautiful,” and that women are jealous shrews unable to exist around another woman they deem to be “too beautiful.” You’re really going to have to pick it up if you want this apology to work.
Do Apologize Sincerely And Completely
Once you’ve come this far in the apology, the last thing you want to do is ruin it by adding any of the following words: “if”, “caused” or “offense.” Because then you have formed the sentence “If my actions have caused any offense, I’d like to apologize.” That’s not apologizing for something you’ve done. That’s apologizing for the way other people interpreted your actions. And as the old saying goes “You gotta do you.” So apologize without any modifiers. “I’m sorry” is always the easiest way of getting it done. John, you’ve done beautifully so far. Let’s just wrap this up.
I wrote to Keira personally to apologise, but I wanted to publicly, and unreservedly apologise to her fans and friends and anyone else who I have offended. It’s not something that I could ever justify, and will never repeat.
Now technically you did use the word “offended”, but that was only to enlarge the pool of people to whom you are “unreservedly” apologizing. I didn’t see that coming. Well played. All in all, a stellar apology. You acted like a huge dick, but you recognize that. Everyone acts like a huge dick on occasion, and this is the way to overcome that. I say, case closed.
And finally, one last chance for the Bomb-Bay-er himself.
This so called ‘problem of us not liking each other’ was reported by a tabloid-esque reporter after Kate appeared on an edgy English talk show, speaking about our meeting 16 years ago while casting Pearl Harbor. The reporter made her story into some scandalous confrontation, when it was nothing of the sort. Spoke to Kate today and she felt she told a funny story.
Holy fucking shit, are you serious? You never said the word “sorry” or “apology” in any of its forms? You’re big reasoning for telling Kate Goddamn Beckinsale that she needs to lose weight is “Everyone in Hollywood is doing it?” Did that excuse work when your mom caught you smoking cigarettes in high school? Do you think it’s going to work now? Have you forgotten about how you are a very powerful and influential figure in the industry you pretend you have to cater to? And clearly it’s not a big deal that you perpetuate terrible stereotypes about women and unhealthy standards of beauty because “I have friends who are women”? Fuck the fuck off, Mr. Bay. You were a dick 16 years ago, you’re a dick now, and you’ll be a dick until the day you die.
And you suck at movies.