Okay, okay, this is clearly a story of such monumental import and cultural resonance that any and all verbose tendencies and poetic temptations must be put aside.
This is no time for frivolity.
THIS IS A TIME FOR PURE FACTS!
First, The Evidence:
This is what we know:
1. Sometime in the hours following the Grammy Award ceremony, Sir Paul McCartney, Beck, and Taylor Hawkins from the Foo Fighters turned up outside the door of a club hosting Tyga’s after-party, at which point they were unceremoniously denied entry.
2. ‘How VIP do we gotta get?’ Sir Paul was heard exclaiming, following it up with, ‘We need another hit guys, we need another hit,’ as the trio stood outside like mere mortals, not wearing down the bouncer with sarcastic or clever comments — which totally usually works like a charm.
3. Reports have since emerged that they were actually meant to be heading to Mark Ronson’s after-party instead, but somehow ended up outside Tyga’s door.
4. After they were denied entry to Tyga’s club, they got in a big car and made their way to their actual intended destination. They were let into Mark Ronson’s party, where they lived happily ever after.
Still, one can only imagine the wonders that the three multi-millionaires missed out on in Tyga’s party.
Clearly, however, there are many important questions and many intricate layers to unpack here.
- How did they end up at the wrong party?!
- How on earth would any doorman on Earth not let Sir Paul McCartney into his club? Does he not like The Beatles?! Did he hear ‘The Mull of Kintyre’ briefly playing on his car radio earlier that day?
- How did Paul not say, ‘Do you know who I am?!’
- Are there TMZ cameras just, like, everywhere?! Or do they just spontaneously apparate any time something embarrassing happens to someone famous? If a celebrity farts in the woods and there’s no TMZ camera around, did their fart make a sound?
Luckily, we have answers, thanks to Tyga responding via the universal medium of Kimmel:
I’m not satisfied with that.
I demand a passive-aggressive tit-for-tat war.
Taylor Hawkins denies Jimmy Kimmel and his pal Matt Damon tickets to the next Foo Fighters gig.
Ben Affleck defends his buddy Matt Damon by telling Zack Snyder to not include a Foo Fighters song at the end of Batman V. Superman.
Dave Grohl stages a huge, free gig the night of the Batman V. Superman premiere so that no one shows up to it.
Jesse Eisenberg writes an opinion piece in the New Yorker about the death of guitar music.
The heavy metal community assumes that he means them, so they kidnap Jesse Eisenberg.
He protests, telling them that this isn’t really passive-aggressive.
They throw him in a lake.
Michael Cera, who’s already in the lake for some reason, says, ‘Hey, y-.. you can’t… We can’t both be in here, it’s-…’
‘Hey Jude’ plays over the ending credits.
Petr Knava plays music