I’m not necessarily saying that doing drugs is a good thing, but I am saying doing drugs with either Amy Poehler or Neil Patrick Harris would probably be awesome. Both actors use their upcoming memoirs to discuss their (mostly) past drug use.
in Yes, Please Poehler basically confirms everything I believe about drugs.
Cocaine could be amazing at first, but never for long:
“I tried cocaine, which I instantly loved but eventually hated,” the Saturday Night Live alum, 44, confesses in a chapter titled “Obligatory Drug Stories.” “Cocaine is terrific if you want to hang out with people you don’t know very well and play Ping-Pong all night. It’s bad for almost everything else…The day after cocaine is rough.”
I’m too old for Ecstasy, and if I weren’t, I’d be too afraid:
“I remember a wonderful UCB (comedy group United Citizens Brigade) New Year’s Eve party where we all danced and drank water and loved each other,” she recalls. “I also remember the next day when I thought I had no friends and I was so sad I wanted to sink into the carpet and permanently live there.”
Pot is ok in small, well- controlled doses:
“I can’t perform, drive or write stoned, and therefore I smoke pot a lot less than I used to,” the busy mom reveals.
And TV and potato chips in bed are the best cure for a hangover:
“The next day is the thing I can’t pull off anymore,” she admits. How do you explain to a 4- and 6-year-old that you can’t play Rescue Bots because you have to spend all day in bed eating Cape Cod potato chips and watching The Bicycle Thief?”
NPH, on the other hand, details a drug trip that only makes me believe I might have missed out. Choose Your Own Autobiography covers the end of Doogie Howser, M.D., and Harris’ return to the small Mexican* town where he was born. He spent most of his time “hiking, working out and writing” because he is perfect. But he also decided to try mushrooms and acid:
“Afterward the only thing you remember is staring at a weeping willow tree in front of your house and watching its leaves turn into frogs hanging by their hind feet and one of the frogs turning his head and shrugging at you as if to say, ‘Yep, a tree filled with frogs. What are you gonna do?’ You emerge from your one and only LSD experience as one of the few people to find the drug neither transcendent nor horrific, just kinda weird.”
Come. On. Seriously? A successful child actor’s drug trip results only in a “huh, that was kind of cool” response? It’s so perfectly, appropriately boring. Stop being so tasteful, Neil. Be garish about something. Have one terribly embarrassing story. One time that you were obnoxious, and couldn’t turn it back into charming. Prove your human, or admit that you’re actually a cyborg. Because you’re really making the rest of us look bad.
*Correction: Neil Patrick Harris was born in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The small town where he did drugs was near his birthplace.