I am not going to lie to you. I owned The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt and I disliked it. Sure, Geralt of Rivia is hot for a video game dude, right up there with Leon in Resident Evil 4, but I need more than that in my video games. I played it for a while, tired of stuff I can’t even recall now, then put the game down and never picked it up again.
As such, I need this primer from the gorgeous Henry Cavill before I watch him, exceedingly hot for a dude, take on the role of Geralt when the Netflix show premieres December 20, 2019.
Boy is Cavill pretty. He did a fairly good job of explaining Witchers while also being redundant as hell. I’m sure no one noticed because he had his real accent fully deployed. I almost didn’t notice, but I gathered all of my strength to focus on the words instead of those full lips I would allow to do heinous things to my body.
As I was saying, Cavill’s chest has just the right amount of hair on it, bucking the horrible trend of making hirsute men go smooth like baby butts. A little bit of fur on the chest gives you something to grab onto when you’re trying not to fall off of the bed and break concentration. You know, I would let Cavill bang me like a screen door in a tornado. He doesn’t have to explain anything to give me a smoldering look with those beautiful blue eyes and end up reenacting a particularly NSFW scene from The Tudors with me.
Uh, I digress.
Cavill looks like God -or Cthulu or Big Pharma or Hollywood- spent a lot of time planing those cheekbones into just the right angles and formation to make panties drop whether he can hold a conversation or not. It’s almost like he was put on this planet to completely murder bajingos and play ridiculously muscular men that speak with either a boy scout’s optimistic outlook a la Superman or in grunted rumbles of quippy dialogue in The Witcher.
Do you think Cavill is an actual gift from a deity looking to give us a bright spot in times of turmoil? Because I would believe that quicker than that Mission Impossible: Fallout gif of Cavill reloading impregnates all those who gaze upon it -which is pretty goddamned fast.
Anyway, I hope Cavill understands that I’m just an entertainment writer looking at a FOINE man, asking him to consider joining my planned harem of husbands.
Header Image Source: Netflix