Perhaps you remember Phil Robertson, the Bible-thumping former quarterback, founder of Duck Commander, and pseudo-reality show star of A&E’s Duck Dynasty. He, his wife Kay, and their sons Alan, Willie, Jase, and Jep, made a big splash with viewers interested in watching the wealthy family spout catchphrases and blow stuff up.
Everything seemed harmless, even the prayers that usually closed the show prior to the family sitting down for a meal (as the cameras cut the visual and insert an obviously dubbed one-liner for good measure). Then Robertson decided that the world really needed to know more about his relationship with God, his Christian faith, and his views on everything and everyone.
Drew Magary spent a day with the family in 2013 for a piece in GQ, hearing this gem firsthand:
“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”
Wow. Just feel that Jesus love for your fellow man in that family-friendly soundbite!
Did you want to know how Robertson feels about racism in the pre-civil rights era? OKAY:
“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field…. They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, I tell you what: These doggone white people—not a word!… Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”
So black people are equivalent to white people if they are referred to as trash? Is that one of the commandments or… ?
The Conservative Political Action Conference awarded Robertson in 2015, allowing him to give a speech that included such gems as “[STDs are] the revenge of the hippies! Sex, drugs, and rock & roll have come back to haunt us!”
In 2016, Robertson went full faux-Christian by appearing in a movie made by Steve Bannon. Yes, that Steve Bannon.
The movie was called Torchbearer.
After hearing mercifully little from Robertson in the last couple of years, he popped up on Fox Business Network to talk about healthcare.
I already have health care. It’s given to me by God. Eternal health care. I’m guaranteed to be raised from the dead. I have life and immortality given to me by God through Jesus Christ… The temporary reprieve is not worth it. I’m telling [Kamala Harris], I have eternal health care, and it’s free! Doctors can give you a little temporary reprieve, but they cannot save you from physical death. The doctors who treat you, they die, too.
HOLD UP, EVERYONE. We totally forgot that doctors aren’t Highlanders and can be killed, which means we are idiots for allowing them to use medical science to prolong and improve our lives. Wow, are all of our faces red now!
I mean, yes, Robertson’s granddaughter had several surgeries to repair a cleft lip and palate that God gave her at birth, but that’s okay for them because they pray every night.
The rest of us poors and heathens should just wait to die if we want to be cured of things. Idiots.
Also, yes, all of his grandchildren had prenatal care and were born in hospitals. But it wasn’t worth it. Those doctors will die one day too.
You’re just too interested in allowing dudes to like butts better than bajingos to realize God is the only one that provides health care. His co-pays are prayers and the deductible has a lifetime maximum of holier-than-thou attitude, but it’s really good insurance.
If you like being dead, I mean.
In closing, just shut up and suffer, libtards! Your atheism will cost you the glory of God’s insurance payout in the clouds: LIVING FOREVER AFTER THE GRAVE! Suck on that!
Header Image Source: Lions Gate Films