Count Binface Lost the By-Election But Still Beat Nigel Farage

Last night, Nigel Farage of the Reform Party was re-elected to the position of Member of Parliament in the constituency of Clacton. The hard-right opportunistic weasel had resigned his position, only to immediately announce plans to run in the by-election. Why? Because he was about to face a parliamentary inquiry over an undeclared £5 million “gift” he’d received from a crypto investor and he seemed to believe that quitting then being re-elected would mean the investigations would go away. Spoiler: Now that he’s back in action, having wasted an estimated £200,000 of taxpayers’ money, all of that will begin once more. The major parties all knew that this was a massive stunt and distraction, and for once, they came together and made an agreement. None of them would participate in the by-election, meaning there would be no candidate from Labour, the Conservatives, the Liberal Democrats, or the Greens. If he wanted to waste everyone’s time, so be it. But who could offer an alternative vision for the people of Clacton? How about a galactic overlord with a bin for a head?

Count Binface is a self-styled intergalactic space warrior and the leader of the Recyclons from the planet Sigma IX. He claims to be almost 6,000 years old but it’s hard to tell. He had previously run in several other elections, including twice for Mayor of London, where his policies included renaming London Bridge to “Phoebe Waller-Bridge”, nationalising Adele for the good of the British economy, and banning the use of the speakerphone function on mobile phones. In 2024, he managed to finish 11th in the London Mayoral race, putting him ahead of the hard-right Britain First party. Last night, he won 26.9% of the vote against Farage, a new record for a rising star in the political scene.

One of the best things about British politics is our embrace of the joke candidate. If you want to put yourself forward as a choice on the ballot for an election, you just need to be a citizen and pay a £500 deposit. Some people do it seriously, running as independents against the established parties. Others just want to f*ck around. Britain has a long and weird history of comedic candidates and satirical political parties, like the Official Monster Raving Loony Party. And because the election results are read out in the constituency with all the candidates sharing a stage together, it guarantees more than a few meme-ready photo ops.

You tend to see this in action most in constituencies where a political leader resides. So, generally speaking, if you’re Prime Minister or about to become the PM, expect to stand politely in a row next to a guy dressed like a bin or Count Binface has become a regular on this scene, like a local DJ on the student union circuit but with a flashier gimmick. He’s there to remind us all that politics is weird and sad but in democracy there is a unique kind of beauty. But taking him seriously? Sort of? That was new.

To the galactic king’s credit, he did campaign hard in Clacton. Yes, he was mocking the entire process as he did it, but being the jester also gives you the freedom to mock the court. When asked if he felt qualified to run in a constituency he’d never even been to, he said that he had understood from the incumbent that staying away from the constituency was “part of how you do the job” (Farage infamously never spends time in Clacton because he’s too busy hanging out with Trump and filling his own pockets.) He pledged to ban automatic renewal of online subscriptions and to build one affordable house.

But all the fun came from the many interviews with incredulous political journalists and talking heads who had to imagine a future where maybe, just maybe, this guy won the by-election. The same people who helped to normalise Farage’s hard-right bigotry and to elevate him to the position of power player were having doubts after his ego became too big for even them to ignore. That £5 million “gift” was so transparently scummy and there was no way for even the “I’m concerned about immigration” red flag wavers to pretend it was altruistic. To be British is to be besieged with headlines declaring that Farage’s racism and Trump-esque agenda is not only acceptable but the status quo that every other party should hope to replicate. Keir Starmer spent years chasing that rot and now Andy Burnham’s picking up the pace. The race to the bottom is dragging us all down into a festering puddle of anti-immigration riots, transphobia, and “get back in the kitchen” manosphere nonsense.

Count Binface called it out. He’s not exactly Mr. Smith in Washington, but again, sometimes the clown’s the only one with the gumption. And just by walking around Clacton in a silver cape with a bin for a head while Farage tried to claim he was the anti-establishment underdog who cared for the people, he made that bigot’s argument crumble before his eyes. Even the hardiest propagandist can’t sell the image of glory and power when every headline includes a picture of you next to a bin. Oh, you were so stupid that you thought quitting your job then getting re-elected would stop parliament from looking into your alleged scams? Get in the trash.

Farage is back in Westminster, already declaring that his victory over Count Binface and a ton of non-entities (including Laurence Fox, bless) is a vindication of his approach. But he’s never looked more foolish or weaker than he does right now, crawling back to London where an investigation awaits him. He was too much of a coward to even be in Clacton to hear the results, citing “safety” concerns that the local Police seemingly had no awareness of. One wonders if the British press and all the access journalists who spent years sucking up to him will go back to grovelling or if they sense a turning of the tide. Reform is in freefall, Burnham is more popular than Starmer (not that such a thing is hard), and defending that £5 million “gift” is nigh-on impossible. If Count Binface has done anything, it’s puncture the façade and reveal the shoddy theatricalities behind maintaining a fascistic rise to power. There is something to be said for reminding the world that these losers are to be laughed at.