Rest In Peace, Cuddly Pratt, As We Shall Never See Your Like Again

Cuddly Chris Pratt gained our affections as Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation in 2009. Initially a throwaway character turned fan favorite, the dimwitted charm and idiocy of Dwyer came to define Pratt himself in our hearts and minds.

Indeed, he even made an appearance on The Pajiba 10 in 2015, the pinnacle of recognition for most celebrities.

Sadly, things began to change after our sweet Cuddly Pratt transformed himself into Action Star Pratt. Gone was the rounded, soft belly and the innate comedy woven into the very fiber of his being. Action movies had come knocking at his door, sparking him to trade a six-pack of beer for a six-pack of abs and leading man status.

We didn’t know it then, but it was the beginning of the end of our love affair.

When the Battle for Best Chris erupted, Pratt navigated his place behind Evans and Hemsworth for a while. His turn as Star-Lord/Peter Quill in Guardians of the Galaxy delighted us all. We were so proud of our boy, believing his charm and comedic timing would remain when the weight did not.

We were wrong about the charm.

After Anna Faris and Pratt separated in 2017, we were all shocked by the decision. A closer look at Action Pratt, however, led us to make assumptions concerning the cause of the marriage ending. As Dustin once pointed out, the Gleeful Pratt was long gone and replaced by Blue Steel Pratt. Did the same happen in the Faris-Pratt union?

Pratt seemingly confirmed our suspicions by becoming a guy spouting poorly thought out comments, like Hollywood needing more flicks about white, blue-collar dudes. He made Passengers, a creepy, rapey movie with Jennifer Lawrence. He was attacked for sending prayers to Kevin Smith on Twitter.

The shine was definitely gone. Cuddly Pratt was fading into the distance and hope seemed out of reach. He drifted further and further down the ranks in the Battle of Best Chris, causing some to ponder that we might never see a spark of Burt Macklin, FBI, ever again.

Alas, over this past weekend, the final nail in Cuddly Pratt’s coffin was struck:

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Sweet Katherine, so happy you said yes! I’m thrilled to be marrying you. Proud to live boldly in faith with you. Here we go! 💍🙏♥️

A post shared by chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) on Jan 13, 2019 at 11:12pm PST

After meeting in June 2018 and quickly parading their love around with the son Pratt shares with Faris, Action Star Pratt proposed to Katherine Schwarzenegger. They’re gonna live in the light of Jesus’s love, ab crunches, and serious faces on red carpets. Cuddly Pratt is dead, never to snuggle our hearts and eat chili off of a Frisbee again.

May we all find peace in knowing that Cuddly Pratt now walks alongside Joshua Jackson (RIP) in the great unknown. We will miss him, but revel in the fact that he lives forever on Netflix and other streaming services.