For the longest time, I held out against picking a side in the war that has consumed the internet. In the struggle for dominance that is the Battle of the Chrises, brother fought against brother; sister struggled savagely against sister; even the family pets went at each other’s throats in their efforts at trying to assert which one of those rich white dudes called Chris that are in everything was the best.
The best at what? That didn’t matter. Just, The Best! Defining the terms is part of the war.
So I twitched my curtains back and I cast a bloodshot eye out the window as the world burned with the fires of this vicious war and I said to myself: ‘I refuse to pick a side! Let my house burn to the ground if it must! I’ll have no part in this senseless bloodshed!’
But I’m a writer on the internet, so that was a resolution doomed to fail, and pretty soon I donned the war cloak, marched downstairs and outside into the fray, and cast my lot in with goofy, politically engaged Evans.
Occasionally, minor threats to Evans’ superiority would surface. Like Chris Pine’s performance in Hell Or High Water, which—like the movie overall—completely blew me away and made me see the vast reserves of talent lying underneath that pretty boy, colossal-eyebrowed surface. Or Hemsworth’s heartwarming family shenanigans, which didn’t just warm the heart, but threatened to melt the bloody thing entirely.
But despite those challenges, Evans held his ground.
If I’m being honest, near the end there, his position seemed a bit shaky. Because between that family stuff and Thor: Ragnarok and Infinity War completing his transformation into a formidable comedic presence, that Hemsworth was really starting to make Evans’ hold look a liiiiiitle bit tenuous. But still, I was pretty sure Evans would prevail.
And then I stumbled upon this compilation of Hemsworth’s Instagram videos. I don’t have Instagram anymore, and I rarely look at celebrities’ pages there (I’ve had some bad experiences), so this was all basically new to me. And, well: I’m sorry Evans, buddy. You’re gonna have to up your game, because suddenly that Chris crown really seems up for grabs.
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