The Pajiba Staff Has a Frank Discussion about Josh and Anna Duggar's Rules of Sex
By The Pajiba Staff | Celebrity | August 21, 2015 |
By The Pajiba Staff | Celebrity | August 21, 2015 |
Courtney typically handles the Duggar beat, but she’s otherwise preoccupied and there’s too much scandalous goodness/comedic fodder from the last two days to simply let it go. As Courtney reported two days ago, it was discovered that Josh Duggar had not one but two Ashley Madison accounts, which meant — in addition to molesting kids — he was fooling around on his wife.
Duggar, in fact, admitted as much yesterday, saying that he is the “biggest hypocrite ever.”
“While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife. I brought hurt and a reproach to my family, close friends and the fans of our show with my actions that happened when I was 14-15 years old, and now I have re-broken their trust.”
I did not end there, however, because Anna Duggar has also weighed in with a predictable “stand-by your man” position, accepting part of the blame herself, according to what an insider told People magazine, the gist of which can be surmised from these helpful bullet points curated by The Daily Mail:
We posted this to the internal Pajiba staff Facebook page, and this is the exchange that sprung forth (note, also, that everything that Steven and TK know about the Duggars comes almost exclusively from Courtney’s posts about the Duggars):
Dustin: Uh, Josh Duggar’s wife blames herself, because of course she does.
TK: I’m beginning the campaign for the “Oh, Anna” twitter hashtag right…. NOW.
Steven: Everything Duggar is stupid and fucked up and then your mind catches on one minor thing and won’t let go: “Michelle does not have sex for 80 days after birth of daughter, for 40 days after birth of son”
TK: Well, yeah. You gotta wait some time for the holy spirit to depart her vagina … Too far?
Steven: But it’s the difference between sons and daughters that kills me:
Is that because Duggar men are all douchebags, so technically they clean up on their way out?
Is it because Duggar women are born with monstrous heads?
TK: Girls leave more sin behind, so the spirit lingers longer.
Steven: OR DOES DUGGAR HATRED OF WOMEN EVEN EXTEND TO SAYING THAT THEIR INFANT DAUGHTERS MAKE A VAGINA GROSSER FOR FORTY MORE DAYS THAN THEIR SONS.
Genevieve: Well, if she had a daughter something obviously went wrong and her uterus needs that extra time to recalibrate to “boy” so they can get it right the next time.
I am joking, but I would not be shocked if the answer is something similar to that.
TK: Genny, that wouldn’t shock me in the least if it were true.
Jodi: Double the uterus expulsion requires double the recovery time. The magic of the penis allows for faster re-entry after exit.
Jodi: What if Jim Bob just has to have it before the 40 or 80 days are up? Do they wrap his dick in bible pages and bang in a hot tub of holy water?
TK: God, those people are the perfect demonstration of how absolutely bugfuck awry fundamentalism can go, and yet no one seems to realize it. This is not some quirky family full of foibles. This is a massively dysfunctional collection of individuals whose unquestioning religious groupthink is literally destroying them from the inside.
While I won’t deny the schadenfreude, it’s also almost terrifying to watch them close ranks in the face of overwhelming toxicity from within.
I mean, Josh and Anna need legit, honest, professional counseling and extensive therapy. But instead they’ll shotgun the blame everywhere else (including at her) and then somehow pretend that everything will be OK.
Genevieve: It’s just the most extreme end of some things a shocking number of “normal” people believe. I am constantly bewildered and appalled by the number of college educated women on my friends list who post various “the man is the head of the household” statuses, photos, or links. I don’t mind people that want a specific structure to their family, but stating that it’s the ONLY way is how you get massively dysfunctional relationships like the one Josh Duggar has with, well, apparently every single woman in his life.
Jodi: Wait. I’m suddenly wondering about diaper duty and potty training at the Duggar compound. Are the men exempt from assisting with the girl baby diaper changes to avoid being tempted by the infant harlot? Do the boys learn to piss on their sisters?
Steven: Um, how else will they protect them from the jellyfish stings of lust?
Jodi: If the girls get diaper rash, is it blamed on their dirty lady garden? When the girls hit puberty are they congratulated on their ascension to baby vessel and sent into the Blood Wing of the house until their sin stops flowing?
I’m seeing training bras made of thorns and maxi pads strapped on with suspenders.
TK: Clager, if you honestly think that a Duggar male has ever even TOUCHED a diaper, you need your head examined. I’ll bet they don’t even understand the basic mechanics. Also, Blood Wing is fucking inspired.
Jodi: They just throw the diaper at the kid while intoning THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU and hoping it works.
TK: But real talk for a moment: You know what’s more demented than Anna “blaming herself” for him being a cheating dirtfucking creepshow? The fact that he, and his entire fucking family, is more than happy to let her and NOT FUCKING ONE OF THEM will try to dissuade her from that.
Thinking about it that way is when you realize how insidious their brand of madness is.
Courtney: FYI, all this talk of Duggar diapers reminds me of this nugget of horror: the men aren’t allowed to change girls’ diapers—changing a diaper leads to impure thoughts. It’s literally in their teaching manual.
Kristy: Explain to me how men—according to this faith—are meant to rule all things when they in turn can’t be expected to change their infant daughter’s diapers without getting predatory wood?!
TK: Well yeah. You know how it is with those slutty, slutty infants.
Courtney: And if a boy abuses a baby girl, it’s the baby girl’s fault. Literally. Like, literally. Like that is what they are taught. In a book.
TK: Call it what it is, Enlow. It’s a sin-hole. Vagina is just a fancy-schmancy science term that the evolutionabortionologists came up with.
IT IS LITERALLY A HOLE FILLED WITH SIN.
Courtney: You can’t imagine how confused/horrified/aroused they get when they see signs warning them of sinkholes.
Kristy: “Fill my sin hole.” I mean. That’s hot.
Courtney: Sin hole > mossy bank
Genevieve: I don’t understand that a culture that believes that men are completely incapable of controlling their sex drive can also believe that men are the “natural” leaders and better at handling household affairs and working outside the home. If you REALLY think that men can’t see women without immediately being dragged towards them, dick-first, like some kind of horny divining rod, shouldn’t THEY be the ones confined to the house? And the women, who have complete and total control over their sexuality, the ones who go out and interact with the world?
Like, just because someone is hungry doesn’t mean they can steal your sandwich. And if they do, we don’t go “shouldn’t have been eating sandwiches in public like that.” If you can control THAT basic urge which is required to live, then you sure as shit get to take responsibility for what YOUR DICK gets up to.
Jodi: Evolutionabortionologist was my minor in college.
TK: Genny. Oh, sweet, simple Genny. It’s not that we can’t control ourselves. It’s that you malevolent harpies have supernatural abilities. Supernatural, sin-hole abilities. Why do you think we need to rule over you? Because you can’t control your OWN lustfulness.
Kristy: STOP LOOKING AT MY ASS!
Jodi: If women are so tempting, why are they made to wear skirts for easy access? It makes sense once they’re married and their husband owns their sin hole, in that insane religious hypocrite way, but it doesn’t make sense to allow unmarried girls to wear only skirts.
Genny: But women don’t actually want sex because in a marriage the thing is that she always needs to be “available” when her husband wants the sex. Nothing about women’s desires. We’re somehow tempting harpies without having any innate sexual desire of our own.
Kristy: That is the crux of our malevolence. For FEmalevolence if you will.
Steven: All we’re missing in the shit storm of the last few days is finding out that Josh Duggar and Jared Fogle were in the same fantasy football league.
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