10 Christmas Rituals Of The Rich And Famous
Everyone has cherished family memories during the holidays. Whether it’s reminiscing about that time Uncle Jack got drunk and started spilling family secrets or when your aunt disowned your cousin during her first teen pregnancy, everyone has traditions. Even celebrities!
1. The Garner-Affleck family may be divorcing, but Ben and Jen are still committed to normalcy for their three kids. Along with a gratitude tree, the pair have added a Daddy Mistakes tree decorated with the many missteps of Affleck throughout this year. I bet “back tattoo” is right in the mix!
2. Miley Cyrus always checks out the end of year sale at her favorite clothing store: Build-A-Bear Workshop! The songstress enjoys the vast selection of teddy bear skins and adorable accessories.
3. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson dresses up in his Tooth Fairy costume to visit children in hospitals, putting visions of sugar plum protein powder in their heads.
4. Kristin Cavallari and husband Jay Cutler take their three un-vaccinated children to visit Santa Claus. The pair hope to spread holiday cheer and measles to all the children of the world. However, if Cutler’s career is any indication, whatever they throw at the world is intercepted and run back for six.
5. Martin Shkreli is hoping his legal troubles won’t interfere with his favorite holiday tradition: clearing the hot toy of the season off of all store shelves and selling it for a 5000% markup on eBay. Then he demands ham.
6. Charming Potato and family celebrate like most normal families. They fully choreograph and perform a full Nutcracker ballet for their friends and neighbors. They also send glitter bombs and gummi dicks to Alex Pettyfer for all 12 days of Christmas, only increasing the amount of glittery dicks every day.
7. Donald Trump is visited yearly by 3 ghosts at Christmastime. Much like the ghosts of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, Trumps ghosts were sent to make him see the error of his ways. After several years of attempting to complete their post-mortem mission, the ghosts have given up and now just play poker and talk politics with Trump.
8. Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncouples from her pants and watches marathons of My 300-lb Life while penning essays on how she can relate due to her role in Shallow Hal.
9. Justin Timberlake reenacts the *NSYNC NTimate Holiday Special with cardboard cutouts of the other members of the boy band. Jessica Biel auditions for the role of JC Chasez every year, but never gets a callback.
10. Kim and Kanye read their children a modified version of the Bible’s Christmas story. The North star gets to keep its name, but the 3 wise men are now all named Saint. It’s also Baby Yeezus and The Virgin Kimberly. Kris Jenner is one of the sheep.