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Books That Should Stay in the Crapper - the Worst of Cannonball Read V

By Mswas Sawsm | Books | December 27, 2013 |

By Mswas Sawsm | Books | December 27, 2013 |

Think Hank read anything worse than Leaves of Grass that year? Participants in Cannonball Read V know what’s crap, and they want to warn you away. Check out their opinions below with links to reviews scathing and bitchy, then find out which books we do recommend in our list of our best books of the year.

Not Prince Hamlet
Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk
The Panopticon by Jenni Fagan
City of God by E.L. Doctorow

Where the Heart Is by Billie Letts
Zombie by Joyce Carol Oates
Geek Love by Katherine Dunn

Consequences by Aleatha Romig Note: this book is SO horrible I hate to give it any publicity by linking to it
Macrieve by Kresley Cole
Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire (seriously this is terrible - never ever read this book. It will take at least a year off your life.)

The Shining Girls by Lauren Beukes
Wasteland by Susan Kim and Laurence Klavan

Requiem by Lauren Oliver
Reached by Ally Condie
Sever by Lauren DeStefano
(Please note that all three "worst" books JUST SO HAPPEN to be the third installments in YA trilogies. Dear publishers: STOP MAKING TRILOGIES. )

The Daughters of Mars: A Novel by Thomas Keneally. It simply did not meet expectations. It should have been better given the writer and subject matter.
The Spy Who Loved: The Secrets and Lives of Christine Granville by Clare Mulley. A fascinating story made tedious.

I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to Be Your Class President by Josh Lieb
The Great Escape by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Lost by Ron Vitale

The Mama
Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren. This book was ridiculous. In every single scene, he ripped her underwear. Every. Single. Time. What the hell is that about?
Forever Black by Sandi Lynn. Never mind the eleventy billion things wrong with this book, including the fact that it’s Fifty Shades fanfic, she started a sentence with "30". Not the number written out, but the actual numbers 3 and 0. Sigh.
Crash by Nicole Williams. Because on the surface, it’s a nice, normal, if overly dramatic YA romance novel, but underneath, it’s about a very controlling relationship, and it scares the hell out of me that young girls could read this and think what’s being depicted in the book is normal and okay.

The Elite by Kiera Cass. How did this book even get published?
The Bone Season by Samantha Shannon. Wasn’t the worst book in terms of mechanics, but because it was billed as the next JK Rowling, fell completely short. Author too young, book not edited properly. Haven’t written my review yet.
City of Bones (and its sequels City of Ashes and City of Glass) by Cassandra Clare. Second review probably the best. [Pajibans, narfna recommends her review of the second in this series, but I must disagree and INSIST you visit her review of the first book. You won’t regret it. —mswas]

Sleep With Me by Joanna Briscoe
The Wettest County in the World by Matt Bondurant
Now is the Hour by Tom Spanbauer

Girl with the Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier
The Devil’s Labyrinth by John Saul
Geek Love by Katherine Dunn

Dan Gets a Minivan by Dan Zevin
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis
Amityville Horror by Jay Anson

The Expats by Chris Pavone
It Happened in Italy by Elizabeth Bettina or Crossing the Borders of Time by Leslie Maitland - two horrible non fiction books focused on World War II and the Holocaust that unfortunately focus on the wrong people - in one case the book’s author, in the other case a self involved teenager and her love interest.
The Orchid House by Lucinda Riley

Who Could that Be at this Hour by Lemony Snicket
The Year of Billy Miller by Kevin Henkes
2030 by Albert Brooks

Cinderella’s Secret Diary: Lost by Ron Vitale [SO BAD]
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
Manifesta by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards

Even Stevens
The only book I read this year that I truly hated was This is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz.
Close behind: City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare
The one most firmly in the "meh" category is A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray

The Silent Wife by SA Harrison
Tigers In Red Weather by Liza Klaussman
The Dog Stars by Peter Heller

The Rook by Daniel O’Malley
A Quest of Heroes by Morgan Rice
The Awakenedby Jason Tesar

Lady Cordelia
Longbourn by Jo Baker
Penelope by Rebecca Harrington
The Yonahlossee Riding Camp for Girls by Anton DiSclafani

The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson
5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth (and Other Useful Guides) by The Oatmeal aka Matthew Inman

Black Orchid by Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean
Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card
Sign of Seven Trilogy by Nora Roberts

Captain Tuttle
Swamplandia by Karen Russell - ugh. I can’t even.
A Dream of Death by Harrison Drake - Kindle freebie that may not have even been worth what I didn’t pay for it.
Colin Firth: The Man Who Would Be King by Sandro Monetti - a fluff bio of a man who deserves much better.

Dead Ever After by Charlaine Harris
Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner
Water Witch by Carol Goodman

Travis Jarrod Smith
You Suck/Bite Me* by Christopher Moore
The Death of Bees by Lisa O’Donnell
Forrest Gump by Winston Groom

The Phantom of Manhattan by Fredrick Forsyth
Flow: The Cultural History of Menstruation by Elissa Stein

The Body Project by Joan Jacobs Brumberg 
Unmasking Kelsey by Kay Hooper

Mrs Smith
Obsessed: America’s Food Addiction and My Own by Mika Brzezinski
The Jackal’s Share by Christopher Morgan Jones
Testimony by Anita Shreve

Shucks Mahoney
Dorothy Parker in her Own Words by Barry Day
Flappers by Judith Mackrell 
The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit by Mark Seal

Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald, by Therese Anne Fowler
Hollywood Confessions by Gemma Halliday
Dark Witch by Nora Roberts

50 Shades Darker by EL James
Death Comes to Pemberley by PD James
Wings of Fire by Charles Todd
But really the worst thing ever was 50 Shades anything. Seriously.

Just One Look by Harlan Coben
The Dinner by Herman Koch
Bees in the Mist by Erick Setiawan

(You, too, can be just like these fine folk in 2014. Sign up for Cannonball Read SIX!!)