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The 5 Worst Things to Ever Happen on ‘True Blood’

By Nadia Chaudhury | TV Reviews | August 18, 2014 | Comments ()


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Yup, I’m one of the few people who’s still watching True Blood, and nope, I don’t have a good reason. I’m just one of those people who once they start watching something, they have to finish it. (Likewise, I saw Dexter all the way to its lumberjack-y end.) With next Sunday’s True Blood series finale in mind, I forced myself to remember all the ridiculous things that have happened on this show, and picked out the five worst.

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1. Sookie’s disregard for Alcide when it comes to Bill
Hey, Sookie? Remember Alcide, your boyfriend who died two episodes ago? You sure? I just want to remind you, since, y’know, you seemed to have one hard night during that big party celebrating life and you talked to Arlene about moving on and all that, but then, you had the same heartwarming conversation with Arlene after Bill refused to drink Sarah’s blood and only the good die…wait, who’s this Alcide fellow again?

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2. When Vampire Bill was Vampire God
Even though watching vampires frolicking high on Lilith’s blood was fun, the whole Billith thing was ridiculous. Bill as the vampire god? C’mon.

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3. The Iraqi Curse Plot
While it was nice having Scott Foley on the show (or any show, really), the curse plotline was unnecessary filler, though I suppose that’s true of 74% of the entire show.

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4. The Orgy Meat Tree
Again, that’s “Orgy Meat Tree.” Nuff said.

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5. Werepanthers
I get that this is a world where fantastical things live and magical nonsense happens, but you already have werewolves and shapeshifters. Did werepanthers really need to exist? And did they really have to try to rape Jason? If someone can make a supercut of True Blood that’s just have Pam and Eric banter and Jason and Eric sex dreams, I’d be much obliged.

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Nadia Chaudhury once dressed up as Sookie for Halloween.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • _Alexander_

    I think you are kind of missing the point of True Blood. The whole show is essentially the small slutty cousin of Twin Peaks. It's never really meant to have some strict storyline. It's mean to have crazy side storyline popping all over the place

  • Lori

    then they were waaay off point! i quit watching and cancelled HBO after the 2nd season b/c i couldn't take the wretched acting of whoever played Sookie (no amount of good acting on the parts of everyone else could bring her inability up) and didn't start watching again until i received a month of HBO for free. went back and got caught up since i have Direct TV and hated myself after every wasted hour b/c not only did i deal with her horrible acting and stupid lines, but then had to contend w/ stupid storylines of the others. truth be told, the only reason i came back every time was b/c of Erik and Pam and Lafayette.

    as far as Twin Peaks and comparing it. sure, i can get why you would say it was TRYING to be a Twin Peaks (i guess) but Twin Peaks was amazing with the acting, the story lines and how crazy cool it was to finally have something truly different to forget real life while watching. IF that is what they were going for: they failed MISERABLY.

  • Jezzer

    Season Two led to some of Jacob's most eyerollingly awful blather in his recaps at Television Without Pity, so everyone involved needs to be shot.

  • What about the crazy backwards head sex Bill has with his maker in Season 3? That should definitely be on the list.

  • Dominic

    Vamps supposedly have no bones . so you COULD twist their head around without snapping their spine ... not a bad moment ( esp if you're into choking or getting choked , I would guess that's who the scene was for) . All the Lorena scenes were great - she was the 1st really over-the-top character ...

  • MellieOleson

    While it occurred waaaaaaay past the jumping the shark moment, the HEP-V plot was the absolute worst. Vamps are undead, how the h-e-double-hockeysticks would a virus hurt them???? Holy Christ Crispies in a bucket of milk, if there was anything better on (or I had a life) I wouldn't still be watching. Damn you, True Blood, damn you to Bon Temps and back.

  • Ali2044

    I think Nicole spoke for all of us when she sat at the death party going " What the FUCK is wrong with everyone in this town?!" and then literally got the hell out of dodge the next day. When your own characters are desperate to leave the plot, you know you have a problem.

  • MellieOleson

    To be fair, there are enough washboard abs in that town to run a laundromat....

  • Ali2044

    Which is why she also left town heavily pregnant. She may have the last functioning brain cell in Bon Temps, but she still has eyes.

  • gerald christie

    One word: fairies. The whole fairy thing ruined the show.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    The fairy thing was pretty damn bad in the books too.

  • The best part was fairies with redneck names.

  • Belladonna Took

    Alexander Skarsgard is the only reason I have kept watching as long as I have. Though I will miss my weekly hate watch and live text with my bestie during the show.

  • He is one of the best things about the show, although I did think that Wounded Amnesia Puppy Eric was way lamer than Badass Sarcastic Asshole Eric.

  • Belladonna Took

    Yes Puppy Amnesia Eric was just bad. and most of the time now, they won't even let Badass Asshole Eric be Badass Asshole Eric. They spend half the time pissing on the characters of Eric and Pam so they can spend more time on BIll and Sookie.

  • Bill and Sookie are the least interesting characters on the show. Hell, I'm about 1/4 of the way through Season 5 and Terry with his PTSD and his weird old army buddy are more interesting. That's not a good look for your main characters.

  • Sean

    Have you ever seen an actor show more contempt for the script and show than Skarsgard has this season? It is a wonderful thing to watch. He isn't even trying to sell the awful script.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    It's too bad that he is now forever Eric Northman (post season 2, becaise season 2 was awesome), because he was a goddamn amazing Brad Colbert, prior to this.

  • e jerry powell

    Probably not your show, but Looking will still be a good hate watch for at least another season.

  • Dee

    Skarsgard is what made this show watchable for the past seven season. Fact.

  • Brady

    For me, MaryAnn and the orgy meat tree were some of the greatest moments in True Blood's patented brand of batshit crazy. It was weird and crazy and made no sense, but damn, it was fun. That fun peaked when Russell Edgington ripped out a news anchor's spine on live television.

    I maintain that this is the most glorious, wonderful moment in ALL of True Blood.

  • manting

    that dude could not act his way out of a wet paper bag with scissors in his hands. He is straight up a community theater quality actor. Bad community theater quality actor.

  • bcarter3

    Series finale SPOILER: Bill gets cured, and moves away to become a lumberjack.

  • e jerry powell

    And he's okay.

  • MellieOleson

    He works all night and he sleeps all day.

  • I suppose being a vampire will come in handy when it's time for him to skip and jump.

  • e jerry powell

    So ultimately he marries Dexter Morgan.

    Also, I met Alison Arngrim in the mid nineties when I was doing a benefit production of As Is for an AIDS services charity. She wasn't acting in it, she was just an honored guest activist for opening night. She complimented me, which was awkward because I couldn't say much back; I HATED Little House on the Prairie (not just Oleson, the WHOLE SHOW) when I was a kid. She's very good-natured about it, though, because I think she's still doing Confessions of a Prairie Bitch here and there.

  • MellieOleson

    Cool and thanks for sharing! She seems like a cool person, which I'd why I changed the name from Smellie Oleson to Mellie :)

  • I'm fully hate-watching it till the ugly bitter pill of an end. And I entirely agree with you about Sookie forgetting Alcide moments after his death. Also, didn't Alcide deserve a better death than "Naked in the dirt shot dead by some nameless dude in a tree"? I mean yes I'll take any excuse to see Alcide naked but after floating about aimlessly for the entire series, couldn't he have gone out in some more noble pursuit? Or had pants on?

    I'm hoping the final EP has Eric naked in the snow again, because that scene is the entire reason we're watching it now. If there is no naked Eric I'm going to have to hate-tweet about it #stupidtrueblood.

  • mernymerlyn

    How anyone could forget a man like Alicde is bananpants.

  • manting

    whats sad is Skarsgard is AMAZING in Generation Kill an HBO mini series from a while back and yet he is known for this travesty of a show.

  • I'll have to check him out on HBO GO. Because I haven't seen Skarsgard be really amazing in anything yet. Although in all fairness, it would be all but impossible to be amazing in Battleship...

  • MellieOleson

    You may also want to check out The East.

  • manting

    Watch Generation Kill - its like a grittier mini series version of Jar Head, and it also has ziggy from the wire who is great in it as well.

  • dizzylucy

    I think he'll come out of it better than most. His film career is pretty strong, so maybe someday it won't be the first thing people know him for.

  • e jerry powell

    If he's willing to be my "boyfriend experience" for a couple of days, I'll forgive him everything.

  • dizzylucy

    Get in line.

  • e jerry powell

    I do like to think that Alex is everybody's boyfriend already...

  • e jerry powell

    More to the point, he is known for being NAKED on this travesty of a show. And not nearly enough (though I do prefer Manganiello's nudity by no small amount).

  • manting

    I am astounded the show was allowed to remain on for this long. Carnivale - great show cut down in its prime. Deadwood - great show cut down in its prime. True Blood - soap opera with vampires and abs gets to stay on for 6 seasons?! I think Alan Ball either made a pact with the devil or he has some really sick dirt on some HBO execs.

  • Dominic

    it lasted because , by the stats I gave you last article , it still WAS the 2nd highest-rated show in HBO history . Until GoT this year ... however yeah somebody made a decision to end it , so we have this " Wrap-Up " season .... episodes 3-5 were great ; resetting the plots after slowed it down . at least it's NOT the Sopranos , and we have an ending , like a book series would ...

  • Jen Papin

    I think about this all the time..then I remember Six Feet Under, and wonder if HBO execs think, "oh, he will come through THIS season, surely!"
    Add Rome to the 2 seasons and over crowd..

  • Ali2044

    I think Alan Ball's involvement dwindled away to almost nothing after season 3 which is pretty obvious looking back.

  • e jerry powell

    I'm biased (and more than a little sex-deprived) in this particular moment, but I could probably watch sixty-five episodes of nothing but pretty -- and average -- naked people doing absolutely nothing without a single complaint. HBO needs to make that happen. No budget for writers, no budget for wardrobe, no dialogue coaches, not even "sex choreographers," just throw all the money into high-definition 3-D cameras, hairstylists and body makeup. It'll be a living museum. Marina Abromovic can curate; she's already got the HBO hook-up thanks to SJP.

  • The header pic should be the #1 of all offenses. That threesome thing was the most awkward thing I've ever seen on TV.

  • e jerry powell

    Had it been an actual three-way, it would have been so much better. As an awkward, half-assed dream sequence, it was simply inexcusable.

  • I know! She has this weird epiphany that women can love more than one man -- in a dream. In a dream. Then she has an awkward boo-hoo session where she rescinds their invitations when she's awake. It was just terrible.

  • e jerry powell

    And I'm sorry, maybe it's me as a gay man, but even in my fantasies of three-ways (not to mention my actual three-ways) SEX ACTUALLY HAPPENS. Ephiphany be damned, can a girl actually get some in a sex dream, or was that socialized out of her somehow?

  • e jerry powell

    Only five? The listicle could be longer by at least triple...

    wait, who’s this Alcide fellow again?

    That life support system for a huge pair of tits and a beyond-amazing ass? No woman (nor a few select men) could put that out of mind at all, much less so quickly.

    And did they really have to try to rape Jason?

    Two episodes of that prosthetic torso... just laughable.

  • JenVegas

    Orgy Meat Tree FTW!!

  • Sean

    I had tried to forget the inbred werepanthers. Thanks a lot

  • 1. Season 1
    2. Season 2
    3. Season 3
    4. Season 4
    5. Season 5

  • AdmiralTubington

    Basically. It went downhill very gradually, but boy, it went downhill. Season 6 was a huge improvement relative to its predecessor; at least as watchable as season 3. This finale ranks about even with season 4 for me. Pretty mediocre, but not the disaster of incoherence and 54 boring subplots that was the fifth season.

  • God, it really is. I feel like I'm trying to claw my way out of a grave right now getting from S5 to S6 in a rewatch.

  • There was no try - the werepanthers did rape Jason. It was a weird, weird storyline. They took something vaguely interesting from the books and twisted it, which can be said of most of the series, to be honest.

  • profession: none, or starlet

    ....yeah, I was like "where did 'try' come into that?" They raped Jason. Unambiguously.

  • thewatcher

    i agree with everything on this list. as for when they went off the books, well...as anyone who read the books can tell you after maybe number 6 or 7, there wasn't much there. Since the series is running about the same as when the books went "off," then it could have been better. Sad to know that I'm actually really read for it to end.

  • I hate what they did with the werepanther subplot in the show, because it was great in the books. It gave Jason direction and something to do besides being some secondary, forgotten character. Hotshot was still inbred and waffling in their ranks, but they weren't meth dealers or anything like that. Jason essentially turned after his torture in the shed and he eventually goes to .. live? with them in Hotshot or something like that.

    I also liked how Calvin Norris quietly bid for Sookie's affection; she wasn't about that, but she did sometimes have moments of weakness, thinking maybe she should hook up with Calvin because he had a job and insurance (literally her reasons -- I love book!Sookie).

  • dizzylucy

    I hated what they did with Calvin/Hot Shot on the show. In the books he was a decent guy. The books got pretty terrible too, I think I enjoy the show more than the books, even now. It has its moments, usually involving Eric and Pam.

    One of the big weaknesses of the show is they never let their supporting characters just be supporting. All of them had to have their own unrelated storyline, and all were so unnecessary. Hot Shot, anything with the werewolves, and the Iraqi stuff just killed the momentum of any episode they were in.

  • I always saw Calvin as someone who would stare after Sookie like, "Notice me. Notice meeeeee." He was my favorite secondary secondary character. I really need to re-read the books, though, because I never finished the series.

    I agree with the werewolf/Iraqi thing, too. Killed all momentum. I'm literally struggling to get through S5 so I can watch S6 and finish S7 to finally send this series to its well-earned grave.

  • Book Sookie is so much better. SO MUCH BETTER. I still get all pissy about the changes the show has made, because with rare exception, they're terrible. They get gold stars for their choices with Lafayette and Jessica, but that's about it.

  • The best part of the show is Lafayette. Jessica has her moments, but Lafayette trumps all. I kind of love Andy, too, despite his fairy kid subplot.

  • Also, I am trying to be spoiler free, in case anyone wants to read the books, but hasn't.

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