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Streptoc*cksucker! The Best Lines from This Week's 'Veep'

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 6, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 6, 2019 |


veep-hbo-oslo-recap.jpg

As we head into next week’s series finale (*weeps*), the race for President is heating up. Selina manages to get the Chinese to back her, but only if she gives Tibet back (an agreement she makes on the same day she won a Nobel (Summit Award) for freeing Tibet. Meanwhile, Jonah’s anti-vaxxer position essentially gets his father killed and his wife put into rehab, so he doubles down and throws in some xenophobia. “Vaccines kill people. That’s just science, but the other real killer diseases… and [diseases get into America] from immigrants.” Meanwhile, as a few people here have been predicting for a few weeks, Richard really is poised to completely back himself into the Presidency (my guess is that Selina wins, but that her VP choice, Richard, quickly becomes President after Selina is impeached for … any number of reasons).

With that, here are the best lines of this week’s episode:

Selina: I want to sound like Bono trying to impress his own reflection in the mirror.

Selina: Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David. He eye-f*cked her so bad he got retinal herpes.

Murman, the Russian Diplomat Guy — I recently bought an English soccer club. Leeds United. No English players, so pretty good team!

Amy (to Jonah): Your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, and Kambucha-douching private school moms.

Jonah: That’s the real America.

Dan: We got to get the morbidly obese f*ck out of Iowa. Last night, I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Amy (to Jonah, who got chicken pox from kissing an unvaccinated baby at a rally and then infected scores of other people at his other rallies): Streptococksucker.

Amy (to Jonah): You infected all those nutballs who don’t believe in vaccinations. Did you get chicken pox as a child, or were you too busy bed wetting and cutting f*ck holes in watermelons.

Jonah: Amy, that only works with fleshy watermelons. And sometimes pumpkins.

Ben (to Selina, who is living in a Finnish embassy after being threatened for arrest for committing war crimes as President by droning a Muslim wedding): “It turns out that Americans don’t give a flying fatwa if you drone a bunch of Muslims.

Kent: Your favorables have never been higher, ma’am. For polling purposes, you’re practically a generic white male.

Selina: This is incredible! I feel like the Grim Reaper just dropped his scythe and started eating me out.

Iowa Governor: Jonah Ryan has about as much chance of winning the Presidency as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat, but if anyone’s crawling out of this cesspool of a state to become his AgSec, it’s gonna be this pigf*cker (points at self).”

Selina: Call Leon right now and tell him to get his dick out of whatever woman froze to death in front of the hotel and meet us over there with the speech.

Selina: (reacting to protests against her over the drone strike after voters discovered that an elephant also died): I thought nobody gave two Osama bin shits about the drone strike.

Kent: This is about killing elephants.

Ben: There’s two things that Americans don’t like to see hurt: Animals, and white girls on Spring Break.

Jonah




Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.



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