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"Game of Thrones": Hot Pie's Choose Your Own Adventure

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | TV Reviews | May 30, 2014 | Comments ()


hot-pie-2.png

There was no episode of Game of Thrones this last weekend, but that doesn't mean we're going to leave you hanging. And since there isn't another book to read just yet, I figured that you might want to instead play along at home with the secret hero of the story. Can you win the game of thrones? Will you die trying? Will you find love, adventure, or die in your own gravy? The choice is yours.

Scroll down, and begin Game of Thrones: Hot Pie's Choose Your Own Adventure.

[Ed's note: no book spoilers contained within, so readers and non-readers alike can get their Choose on.]

Click here to start your adventure.
Just take me to the comments

Steven Lloyd Wilson is a hopeless romantic and the last scion of Norse warriors and the forbidden elder gods. His novel, ramblings, and assorted fictions coalesce at www.burningviolin.com. You can email him here and order his novel here.






It's a day like any other for you, Hot Pie, the most accomplished gravy man in all of Westeros. Three more violent fellows with swords showed up asking about the Starks and you told them about seeing Arya a few days previously. They all seemed like nice folks. Especially the one without a nose. But as you begin cooking another batch of gravy for the evening dinner rush, a sudden call of alarm is raised. Ruffians attacking the inn! They storm in, swords and maces flashing every which way. More blood than a wedding flying around in here, and for some reason none of the waitresses are wearing blouses anymore. What do you do?

Hide under the bar.
Fight these scoundrels.
Flee

Having watched men fighting for the last several years, you don't see how it can be all that difficult, so you launch yourself into the fray. How do you fight?

Stab someone with the butcher knife from counter
Pick up a barstool and swing
Hit the nearest ruffian with the pan of gravy

Well, you brought a knife to a sword fight. How do you think that's going to end? Painfully.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You break the stool on the back of the nearest fellow, who turns, glares at you, and promptly throws you through the nearest window. The uncultured beast throws your pan of gravy after you, but you catch it without spilling a drop.

Run back inside
Run into the forest

The ruffians are less enthralled to see you a second time and so remove your head from your body.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You slam the pan of gravy into the back of the nearest man's head. The pan is dented, and he staggers slightly.

Grab the knife instead
Grab the barstool instead
Don't give up on the gravy

You hit him again, and he staggers a bit more as you add another dent to your pan of gravy.

Grab the knife instead
Grab the barstool instead
Don't give up on the gravy

Another hit, another dent in both skull and pan.

Grab the knife instead
Grab the barstool instead
Don't give up on the gravy

Yet another solid blow, and another dent in both skull and pan. He's looking woozy, the pan isn't looking much better.

Grab the knife instead
Grab the barstool instead
YOU CANNOT GIVE UP ON THE GRAVY

He finally goes down like a non-SAG actor in the background of an expository brothel scene. The pan is really not looking too well, and a new force of knights seems to have arrived and is killing the ruffians.

Run into the forest
Get that gravy back onto the stove, and see how it plays out

After some time running through the forest, you stumble upon the campsite of Brienne and Pod, the two who you told about Arya Stark just the day before. As you tell them your story, the knight grows grave indeed and declares "there is no dishonor in running in order to live and fight another day. But you have shown great bravery with your unusual choice of weapon." She says and nods at the pan of gravy you still have tucked under one arm.

At that moment, a band of bandits bursts from the forest, and soon the situation is desperate indeed. "Run Hot Pie!" Brienne shouts. "Find the Stark girls at the Eerie and defend them with your life!"

Ignore her order and hit someone with the gravy
Run north for the Eerie
Run south, back to the inn

With your assistance, the bandits are driven off. Impressed once more by your loyalty and firm hand with a gravy pan, Brienne knights you on the spot. The three of you wander the land for many years, doing good deeds and living the noble life of knights-errant. You never do see another Stark, which probably accounts for your greatly improved life expectancy. The Brienne, Pod, and Hot Pie spin-off runs for six seasons a movie.

You haven't exactly won the game of thrones, but you've certainly won at life.

Play again.
Take me to the comments

The leader of this victorious group is a severe-looking man with the sigil of an onion on his cloak. You don't know the slightest thing about heraldry or nobles, but you know everything there is to know about vegetables. He looks you up and down and announces that you are being drafted into the army of King Stannis. What do you do:

Bugger that.
Challenge him to a cook-off for your freedom.
Sir! Yes, sir!

You might have guessed that response would yield negative results, but "burned at the stake" wouldn't have been your first guess.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

It's on. The Onion Knight is a sucker for a good cooking competition. But he's clearly not had the years of experience you've had, and you're on your home turf. The meat pie is coming along, but juggling three pans full of ingredients is tricky.

The meat's looking stringy, focus on that.
Don't give up on the gravy.
The onions are burning a bit, get them off the heat.

The meat takes more work than you expected, and so while it is tender, the gravy got too dry, and the onions burned something terrible. Serving burned onions to the Onion Knight is taken as a personal affront by the soldiers. He seems willing to forgive, but the lady in red introduces you to her favorite form of cooking. Hint: it's barbeque. Second hint: you do not enjoy it one bit.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

The meat is a little stringy, and the onions a little burnt around the edges, but the gravy is divine by the standards of the Old Gods or the New. The Onion Knight salutes you solemnly, and declares "We are fighting to save the kingdom, but food like this is what makes the kingdom worth saving. Stay here, son, I knight you as Chef Commander of the Seven Kingdoms."

You live out your days as the most famous cook in the world. And when Stannis wins the throne, you became the official chef of the court.

Play again.
Take me to the comments

Alas, you make perfectly cooked onions, but the meat is stringy and the gravy a bit tasteless. The Onion Knight's dish is exquisite on the other hand, and you are handed over to the training officers.

Continue

After your brief training with a spear you are assigned to the small force that Stannis has tasked with storming Meereen and seizing Daenerys Targaryen. You are a week at sea when dragons descend with fire and claws upon your tiny fleet. You are working in the galley when the attack begins, and you rush onto deck, a pan of gravy half-forgotten in your hands. The battle is already winding down, Unsullied are boarding the ship, and a huge black dragon has perched on the bow.

Jump overboard and swim for it
Surrender
Offer the dragon some gravy

You leap overboard and as you begin to swim, you remember that you in fact do not know how to swim. You suppose drowning might be preferable to being eaten by a dragon though, so you just go with it.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments


You duck under the bar and find yourself huddled between two gorgeous waitresses. A sword slams into the bar above your head, knocking your pan of gravy to teeter on the edge right above your head. Do you:

Forget about the gravy
Save the gravy


You offer your best smile to the waitresses, and ask if they happen to know a way out of this dump. Before they can answer, another blow rocks the bar once more and the pan of gravy falls, knocking you right on the head. You keel over, and as everything goes black, realize that you have fallen face first into the puddle of gravy. It's a rather embarrassing way to drown, but so it goes.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments


You snatch the pan of gravy from the ledge, wincing as your fingers burn, wincing again as a sword almost lops your hands off, but you manage to save both your body parts and the gravy. You begin to offer the gravy to your companions in hiding, but instead they pull open a trap door under the bar, that you had no idea existed. "Come with me, if you want to live" they say in strange harmonious unison.

Follow them into the trapdoor
Take your chances in the fight


You climb down a rickety ladder and find yourself in a brothel, which surprises you because after working here for months, you had no idea that there was such a thing. The sheer quantity of casual nudity on display is quite enough to fry your basic cable brain for a few moments, until several princes of Dorne begin catcalling you with creative suggestions about what to do with the pan of gravy that you're still carrying. Do you:

Hurry out the back door of the brothel
Stay a while in the brothel


The good news is that the second to last ten minutes of your life are fantastic. The bad news is that the ruffians upstairs find the trapdoor and the last ten minutes of your life are really quite terrible.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You quickly lose yourself in the forest, and as the noise of combat fades behind you, it really seems quite peaceful. Then the wolves arrive and surround you, dozens of them, led by one enormous one that's as tall as you are. You fall backwards, and the spare pie shaped like a dire wolf that you always keep handy to give to people asking about the Starks, tumbles out of your pocket. Do you:

Run screaming into the forest
Calmly eat the pie
Offer the pie to the wolves


Running through the forest, you quickly find yourself back at the inn, which appears to have been overrun by a second, larger party of fellows in quite fancy shining plate mail. You are captured and brought into the inn.

Continue


The wolves take rather severe offense to this, and proceed to tear you limb from limb.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments


The wolves are at first excited by the wolf pie, but soon they began to whine, discontented. You realize that you are still carrying your pan of gravy.

Offer them the gravy too
Hold back the gravy

The wolves are ecstatic about the gravy and wolf pie, and seem to accept you as part of the pack. For weeks, you travel north, through the riverlands and eventually the cold hard lands of the North. Every night, they bring you fresh meat, and you cook it up something lovely, making the best gravy as you can with the materials at hand, and your trusty pan. But one morning, you slip, and twist your ankle badly. You can no longer keep up with the wolves, and they seem to be on a mission, heading north to the wall. With sorrowful whines, they leave you, do you:

Try to keep up anyway
Stay at the campsite, and cook some gravy


You can only keep pace for a few hours, before your leg starts to throb. Something in it is broken, aggravated by running on the injury. The wolves disappear over one horizon. The shadowcats appear over another and rip you limb from limb.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You're sad to see the wolves go after all these weeks, but you're even sadder when Thenns find your campsite, what with their wicked looking weapons and even more wicked smiles. They poke and torment you for a bit, before tossing down a bag full of severed limbs in front of you.

Run screaming
Grab the nearest one's sword and fight
Ask if they've ever had gravy

You make it all of thirty feet before an arrow sprouts from your chest. But on the bright side, they really enjoy how you taste with the gravy you left simmering.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You come down with a sudden case of sword in guts. But on the bright side, they really enjoy how you taste with the gravy you left simmering.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

The Thenns have never experienced the joy of gravy, and judging that trying new foods is better than being stabbed, you find that human leg doesn't taste half bad once it sits on the rotisserie for a bit and is given a good dollop of gravy. By evening the Thenns have inducted you into their tribe and you begin a march north to the wall. But your new friends are ambushed by the Night's Watch the very next morning. You find yourself in the middle of a fight. Do you:

Run screaming
Tackle the nearest Night's Watchman
Swing your pan of gravy at the Thenn Chieftan

It's unclear whether the Night's Watch arrow or Thenn sword kills you, but as you drown in your own blood, you realize the difference is probably moot at this point.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

On the bright side, you successfully tackle the commander of the Night's Watch forces, and earn the respect of the Thenns. Unfortunately, his dagger is less impressed and pokes you quite to death, only seconds before your new friends join you in the afterlife.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

While the Thenns bemoan your treachery with their dying breaths, the commander of the Night's Watch forces is duly impressed and takes you to Castle Black. You are offered a place in their forces, while inexplicably sitting in the brothel at Mole's Town since it had been a while since nude women wandered around the background of a scene.

Join the Stewards
Join the Builders
Join the Rangers

Most of the stewards loathe the fact that they have to spend time in the kitchens, but you take right to it, and soon are making your signature gravy and wolf pies. A certain Jon Snow is so taken with your cooking and the sigil of his father's house, that he immediately drops to one knee and proposes marriage to you. Taken aback, you stutter "but my lord, we're sworn not to marry."

"Sworn not to marry women. You have to read the fine print." He says, a sparkle in his eye.

Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Gracefully turn down his offer.

A life cooking has ill-prepared you for building things out of stone. So it surprises no one when the first rickety wall you construct falls over and smashes you to death.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

They give you a sword and some armor, and send you ranging north of the wall. But in those dead lands there are not proper materials to make gravy, so you are left with nothing but steel with which to fight the wights. You die terribly.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

Lord Snow, well-nourished by your pies and gravy, defeats the White Walkers, marches south, and in short order conquers the rest of Westeros. You marry in the Great Sept before cheering crowds. You are crowned Queen Hot Pie the First of His Name.

Congratulations your grace, you have won the Game of Thrones.

Play again.
Go to the comments

Jon is a broken man after your rejection, and his dull brooding becomes really dull brooding. The wall falls soon after to hordes of Wildlings and being an uncivilized people, they are unimpressed with your gravy, and throw you from the top of the wall.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You tentatively approach the dragon and offer it your pan of gravy. It sniffs it once, then leans forward to lap at it with a long serpentine tongue. It enjoys the gravy so much that it wraps a claw around you and draws you close.

Scream in terror.
Just go with it.

The Unsullied surround you with spears and try to take the pan of gravy away from you.

Let them take the gravy.
Fight to keep the gravy.
Offer them a dire wolf hot pies to eat with the gravy.

The Unsullied are so impressed with the nuance of flavor that after executing all the other prisoners, they take you back to the royal palace of Meereen and put you to work in the kitchens. You work for months, perfecting your gravy recipes, teetering on the edge of gravy perfection, but are distracted one day by an enormous egg that seems forgotten in a corner. It would, you think, make for an extraordinary omelet.

Make an omelet.
Don't give up on the gravy.

That was a deeply stupid idea. But you do stay conscious long enough before bleeding out to see that the Unsullied really do enjoy the gravy.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

It seems that the Unsullied are sworn to vengeance on the Starks as the shock troops of a Targaryen. They stab you. A lot.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

The dragon screams back. With flamethrower breath.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

Impressed with both your courage and your cooking, the dragon gathers you up and flies back to the nest it keeps in the city. After a truly awkward night of misunderstandings, you realize that the dragon has adopted you and treats you both as its personal chef and a lovable if deficient pet. There are worse lives than being personal chef to a dragon.

Play again.
Take me to the comments

This egg is hard as a rock, but you finally get it open by beating it with your old gravy pan, putting another few dents in it in the process. The omelet is three feet across, and the most delicious you have ever tasted. You send it up to the banquet hall and are astonished when Unsullied storm the kitchens and drag you off to the dungeons.

Many men dream of being dragonslayers. But this ain't the city for it. The dragons are allowed to eat you alive in the city's gladiatorial arena.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You ignore the egg and instead finish perfecting your gravy. After dinner that evening, you are called to an audience with the Queen. So overwhelmed by the power of your culinary expertise, she orders Daario thrown from the balcony, and demands that you marry her on the spot. What do you say?

"I'm just not that in to you."
"I do."

You follow Daario over the balcony and explode on the next paving stone over. When Daenerys conquers the world, she bans the cooking of gravy for all time. Your legacy is a world without gravy, may the gods have mercy on your soul.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

You become Mr. Hot Pie Targaryen and rule alongside your queen. Once she conquers Westeros, you live a long and happy life, filled with love, gravy, and dragons.

Congratulations, you have won the game of thrones.

Play again.
Take me to the comments

Well that was a terrible idea. You die horribly within a few seconds.

Try again.
I give up, take me to the comments

Steven Lloyd Wilson is a hopeless romantic and the last scion of Norse warriors and the forbidden elder gods. His novel, ramblings, and assorted fictions coalesce at www.burningviolin.com. You can email him here and order his novel here.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Frank Fortune

    wtf?? I ran with wolves, joined the Thenns, betrayed them and joined the night's watch, and then married jon snow??? and won the game of thrones?? that...just...wow

  • Johnford

    Stannis wins the throne and I'm the official cook of the royal court (after an epic cook-off with Davos!), fuck yeah! THAT'S how aSoIaF should end!

  • Sam

    I ended up as a dragon's personal cook.

  • E-Money

    Yes! A thousand times yes!

  • Uriah_Creep

    I haven't even watched Game of Thrones yet, but even I knew you don't say no to Jon Snow. I won.

    We need one of these every week. Next week, do The Walking Dead.

  • Yocean

    I have taken all paths and satisfied with all results, laughing all the time. You sir are as divine as gravy!!!

  • VohaulsRevenge

    You jerk. This is worse than Edward Packard's "The Computer Takeover", in which every choice results in your gruesome death. What the hell is wrong is wrong with you? ;)

  • Yocean

    DON'T GIVE UP ON THE GRAVY!

  • Becky

    This is amazing! :)

  • Lord Inferno

    Sick! This got a front page bump again! Now I am totally playing it through again.

    Is there like some way we can put this in a front page hall of fame section?

  • Sassy Pikachu

    I AM QUEEN HOT PIE

    bless the fine prints.

  • stardust

    This is entirely too much fun. I'm keeping the browser window open so I can come back and get to all possible endings.

  • BlackRabbit

    Queen Hot Pie, First of His Name.

  • QUEEN HOT PIE AM I.

    This is OUTSTANDING. I am clapping with glee.

    Marry me?

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    i loved this. we need more of these

  • stella

    Im starving now...

  • KJ

    I just won by making gravy out of people, then marrying Jon Snow.

  • asherlev1

    This....may be my favorite thing on the internet, ever.

  • Angela Drummond-Mathews

    I WON! Hahahahaha!

  • xMVince

    Thank you for giving me my GoT fix!

  • jujubee2000

    I won!! And get to be Queen!!!

  • Mark Matson

    I knew I should have married John.

  • DarthCorleone

    There have been a lot of great things on Pajiba over the years.

    This is the greatest.

  • MissAmynae

    Hours of fun! This is Brilliant.

  • ShagEaredVillain

    Internet fame for a month. Bunk material for life.

  • AngelenoEwok

    Jon/Hot Pie OTP

  • Lord Inferno

    I got as far as, "none of the waitresses are wearing blouses anymore", and then I got ... uhhh... distracted.

  • Removed my head from my body...WTF?

  • Yes! Second time won; it was totally the gravy.

  • emmalita

    Dude! You have won the Internet for at least a week.

  • Lord Inferno

    Fuck that! This is easily the greatest thing I have seen on the internet in MONTHS!

  • emmalita

    Yes, but I don't want to underestimate SLW's ability to top himself.

  • Julie Chase

    So far I've drowned in gravy and been hit with an arrow. I WILL SURVIVE.

    Also, this is amazing.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Did it hit you in the knee?

  • I love this so much.

  • Danar the Barbarian

    I won! I won the Game of Thrones! And I owe it all to gravy. And some Jon Snow lovin'. But mostly gravy.

  • Gravy makes everything all right.

  • cox

    best thing you people ever did. im on my 8th play so far.
    so. much. gravy.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    This might be the greatest thing this site has ever done. I could spend the rest of my day here.

  • Ian Fay

    This is canon, right?

  • There are extraneous breasts and violence at every turn. I think it's by definition canon.

  • Jenn TheYellowDart

    I just got married to Jon Snow. He knows enough that I'm a hot piece of pie, apparently.

  • I won't spoil anything except to note that there is more than one possible marriage in the Epic of Hot Pie.

  • Mrcreosote

    I got the other one.

  • LadyUncool

    This was fantastic, great job!

  • Mrs. Julien

    This is magnificent!

  • Legally Insignificant

    Hot Pie indeed! And they say Jon Snow knows nothing.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Snow knows gravy.

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