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A Girl's Guide to "Game of Thrones"!!

By Sarah Carlson and Joanna Robinson | TV Reviews | March 29, 2013 | Comments ()


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Listen up, girls: If you want to keep your man (or land one to begin with!), chances are you'll need to check out this "Game of Thrones" thingie. No, no don't worry about reading the books. They're, like, super long and we all know reading causes wrinkles. And yeah, totally, the show is totes scary and gross, we know, but a lot of guys love it. Don't freak out! Two of us have braved the first two seasons to get you ready for this new one that starts Sunday. Y'all didn't miss much (lots of blood, boobs, dragons, magic, bad hair, swords and brothers and sisters making out), but we promise there are things you can enjoy. It's not like you're being forced to watch that other HBO show with the ugly girl and bad clothes who doesn't appreciate her ossum friends (Marnie's my gurl!). Yeah yeah, this one is longer and people sometime use words you don't know, but if watching it gets you male attention, it's worth it! Right?

Plus, there's plenty of eye candy to keep you somewhat interested. Team Gendry all the way!

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OK, so, we promised reasons to watch. Drum roll please ... in not in any order, here is The Official Girl's Guide to Game of Thrones!

Fashion!

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This deep-V-neck dress is FIERCE -- like, JLo at the Oscars fierce. This chica knows how to accessorize with a statement necklace. Work it! I'd visit the Middle Ages or whenever this is if I got to look so fab.

Beauty How-Tos!

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LOL! So true, Ser Loras!! So, like, if you make it past some of the ookiness in the first few episodes you'll get to this TOTALLY awesome scene. Everyone knows that to keep your loved one satisfied you have to trim your garden! Renly is super lucky to have a friend like Loras to keep him nice and clean. And, like, after, he gave him a massage? On his upper thighs I think? I couldn't really tell what was going on, but they're TOTES best friends and this is just classic advice.

Hairstyles!

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We all know braids are hot right now, but you don't have to always play it Katniss-style. Ignore all the talk of war on screen and admire the creative up-do's. Maybe sporting them yourself will inspire a little role-playing with your sweetie. "My, what an impressive ... sword ..." :)

Sex Advice!

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OMG LOOOOOL. Soooooo embarrassing! That's not what I meant to put here! How do I delete this thing? HELLOOO?! IT GUY!? Ugh, just ignore that, you guys. What I meant to put was:

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Okay so like say you waited until marriage and your husband, though hella foyne, is not exactly gifted in the moves department. Not all of us have a handmaiden waiting around to help us get our swerve on, so you might have to, like, find an issue of Cosmo or something, lol. The point, though, is that you should take control if your man is not giving you what you want. There are a lot of sex scenes and a girl could learn tons!

Awesome Comebacks!

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The girls in this show are tough, too, and sometimes you gotta just give your honey a little attitude to make sure he knows how much you mean to him. Take some lines from these b*tches next time he doesn't want to go shopping. Um ... hello! You're watching THIS with him. The very least he can do is buy you something pretty.

Parenting Tips!

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Like, OMG, sometimes your baby will grow up super fast. Like, the time will fly, so be prepared and treasure them while they're young.

Puppies!

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They don't stay cute and cuddly for long, but it's always fun to see these fluffy friends when they appear, even when they're snarly. A girl needs a good guard dog. Maybe The Guy can buy you one of these? You can buy wolves, right?

Men Can Be Total Two-Faces! Amirite?

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Okay so like one second your man is a total catch who speaks funny, rocks hella sexy streaks and is basically, like, the dreamiest dreamboat to ever cross the Narrow Sea.

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Okay and, like, the next second he looks like your druncle who doesn't have all his own teeth anymore. Girls, I hate to be the bummer of bad news, but this happens. Like, every day. All the time. It's like a ridic difficult lesson to learn, but you should learn it early.

Eating Right!

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Okay, lol, obviously our gurl Dany could be a little, uh, cleaner when she eats her food, but there's a reason she looks suhkyute in her sassy little leather outfits. Paleo! It's all the rage! I mean, don't you want your man to look at you like that? Then ditch those carbs and stock up on some lean meats, ladies. Your bod will be dragon-bikini ready in no time!

(Imaginary) Vacay Spots!

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Trust us: There will be a lot of times in this show where you'll space out and not pay attention. Again, you're not missing anything. BUT, at least there is plenty of pretty geography to look at, too. Some of these places apparently just don't exist (What kind of name is Qarth??), but you can pretend! Or, you can spend an episode searching online for some desert oasis to visit (think of the great sheer dresses you could wear), or a cabin somewhere snowy -- a perfect place for cuddling. And role-playing. :):)







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Umm i guess you can say Qarth is real since it was filmed in Croatia

  • This is the shittiest review of game of thrones I've ever read. "Don't worry about reading the books?... Or watching s1&2?" Good grief. I can't believe pajiba posted this.. Very disappointed.

  • Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

  • Brooke Michelle

    I enjoy looking at Gendry, quite a lot. I can't lie about that.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    Dammit. Thanks for reminding me I'm too poor for HBO & a season & a half behind on DVDs.

  • This is amazing and thank you so much for including Happy Endings slang!

  • Mrs. Julien

    It's cool and all, but it needs more Drogo. As much of him as possible, cause gurrrl, you are gonna wanna climb that like a tree.

  • He's the perfect sun and stars

  • Tinkerville

    I'll just leave this here.

  • winning

  • Margrete

    Wait! I know I've been living under a rock by not watching Game Of Thrones, but WHAT happened to my fuck-it-for Chris from Skins?! Boy grew up gooood.

  • Laine

    Yes, women are that shallow and stupid. It's not like they'd watch it for the story or anything, only men can understand complicated things like that!

  • Lovely Bones

    I was trying to think of a way to say that it went over your head better than alwaysanswerb right below this, and I was coming up empty. So thank you, cg, for covering that.

  • cgthegeek

    the point. you missed it.

  • Spoons

    Yeah, as a lady, obviously all I can appreciate is the hair and fashion in a show. Plotlines and characters are hard! Leave those for the boys, am I right?

  • alwaysanswerb

    SWOOOOOOOOOOOSH

  • Snath

    I just threw up in my mouth a little. But in a good way?

  • I love you guys, but this article was dumb. It's up there with Dustin's really bad satire reviews.

  • Thea

    Gotta agree, this hyperbolic satire falls pretty flat. *scrolls through*

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Please tell me we will get sexy and not druncle.... Now I have to go search IMDb to look for clues. That's right ... Ima gonna pull a Nancy Drew.

  • lowercase_ryan

    This is what happens when you mix Skype with wine, isn't it?

  • A man doesn't know you.

  • Natallica

    Also, the girl with the fashion sense has like, a gay friend (or husband, I really wasn't paying attention). Helloooo! It's always the gays who give the best fashion advice, so, like, you should TOTALLY have one as a friend. Like... Tori Spelling, you know

  • A girl just snorted orange crush. :)

  • Kayla Eric

    uptil I looked at the receipt 4 $9302, I didnt believe that my brothers friend could realy taking home money in their spare time on there computar.. there aunts neighbour haz done this for only twenty two months and by now repaid the loans on their mini mansion and got a top of the range Jaguar E-type. I went here, Mel7.com

  • Kayla

    Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm starting to think you're not a real person! Every new story of yours seems to start with a loose relative - whose most intimate financial details you have no trouble uncovering - at which point you maddeningly switch your narrative focus to someone else I give precisely zero fucks about, topping it all off with an exotic car of some description. Protip: cars are not a substitute for character development.

    The implausible multitude of these situations is so numerous, I can only assume that Kayla Eric is your pseudonym, and that you are, in fact, a writer of internet-fantasy fiction specialising in rags-to-riches wish fulfillment! AHA, I say to you! Your elegant tissue of deception hath been torn asunder by the hounds of sound logic and the feisty crows of investigative panache!

  • BWeaves

    The only thing worse for a GoT actor than reading your death scene, is discovering you don't die, but are going to be played by a different actor in the next season.

  • Poor Gregor Clegane.

  • Mrcreosote

    Now I want a Faceless boy band. Braavos-Town?

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Can you imagine trying to carpool to get to that show? OMG there is a war on and all we want is to get a ship to cross the Narrow Sea to see Braavos-Town! Mooooooooommmmm please??????

  • Joe Grunenwald

    This post, I find, is best read aloud.

  • Ohmigod, FINALLY someone explained it in a way I can understand! This show looks totally awesome!

  • MrsAtaxxia

    I want that Jaqen gif on a trapper keeper and I want it NOW. I will carry that to my fancy shmancy New York city fashion job with NO SHAME. Zero shame and zero fucks because A Man is AWESOME. WHY IS IT NOT SUNDAY YET?!?!

  • Theon Greyjoy is totes the Khloe of this show.

  • JoannaRobinson

    Kisses.

  • hes a total fkup 4swings to behead that old man, then he had to kick the head of, HOWCOULDYOUDOTHATTOTHESTARKS

    *leaves dramatically*

  • Dagmer looks like he's holding the boom mic.

  • ERM

    What does that mean??

  • I just laughed so hard at the Jaqen gif that I almost broke a tooth.

  • This is my favorite thing of all the things.

  • Rocabarra

    That .gif of Jaqen might be the best worst thing I've ever seen. Part of me hopes you didn't have to make it and just found it, waiting for you in the bowels of the internet...

  • Sara_Tonin00

    It truly is a thing of amaze.

    Just resubscribed to HBO today! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  • John W

    This post needs some music...hmmm...how about:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

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