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A Girl's Guide to "Game of Thrones"!!

By Sarah Carlson and Joanna Robinson | TV | March 29, 2013 |

By Sarah Carlson and Joanna Robinson | TV | March 29, 2013 |

Listen up, girls: If you want to keep your man (or land one to begin with!), chances are you’ll need to check out this “Game of Thrones” thingie. No, no don’t worry about reading the books. They’re, like, super long and we all know reading causes wrinkles. And yeah, totally, the show is totes scary and gross, we know, but a lot of guys love it. Don’t freak out! Two of us have braved the first two seasons to get you ready for this new one that starts Sunday. Y’all didn’t miss much (lots of blood, boobs, dragons, magic, bad hair, swords and brothers and sisters making out), but we promise there are things you can enjoy. It’s not like you’re being forced to watch that other HBO show with the ugly girl and bad clothes who doesn’t appreciate her ossum friends (Marnie’s my gurl!). Yeah yeah, this one is longer and people sometime use words you don’t know, but if watching it gets you male attention, it’s worth it! Right?

Plus, there’s plenty of eye candy to keep you somewhat interested. Team Gendry all the way!


OK, so, we promised reasons to watch. Drum roll please … in not in any order, here is The Official Girl’s Guide to Game of Thrones!



This deep-V-neck dress is FIERCE — like, JLo at the Oscars fierce. This chica knows how to accessorize with a statement necklace. Work it! I’d visit the Middle Ages or whenever this is if I got to look so fab.

Beauty How-Tos!


LOL! So true, Ser Loras!! So, like, if you make it past some of the ookiness in the first few episodes you’ll get to this TOTALLY awesome scene. Everyone knows that to keep your loved one satisfied you have to trim your garden! Renly is super lucky to have a friend like Loras to keep him nice and clean. And, like, after, he gave him a massage? On his upper thighs I think? I couldn’t really tell what was going on, but they’re TOTES best friends and this is just classic advice.




We all know braids are hot right now, but you don’t have to always play it Katniss-style. Ignore all the talk of war on screen and admire the creative up-do’s. Maybe sporting them yourself will inspire a little role-playing with your sweetie. “My, what an impressive … sword …” :)

Sex Advice!

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OMG LOOOOOL. Soooooo embarrassing! That’s not what I meant to put here! How do I delete this thing? HELLOOO?! IT GUY!? Ugh, just ignore that, you guys. What I meant to put was:


Okay so like say you waited until marriage and your husband, though hella foyne, is not exactly gifted in the moves department. Not all of us have a handmaiden waiting around to help us get our swerve on, so you might have to, like, find an issue of Cosmo or something, lol. The point, though, is that you should take control if your man is not giving you what you want. There are a lot of sex scenes and a girl could learn tons!

Awesome Comebacks!


The girls in this show are tough, too, and sometimes you gotta just give your honey a little attitude to make sure he knows how much you mean to him. Take some lines from these b*tches next time he doesn’t want to go shopping. Um … hello! You’re watching THIS with him. The very least he can do is buy you something pretty.

Parenting Tips!

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Like, OMG, sometimes your baby will grow up super fast. Like, the time will fly, so be prepared and treasure them while they’re young.



They don’t stay cute and cuddly for long, but it’s always fun to see these fluffy friends when they appear, even when they’re snarly. A girl needs a good guard dog. Maybe The Guy can buy you one of these? You can buy wolves, right?

Men Can Be Total Two-Faces! Amirite?


Okay so like one second your man is a total catch who speaks funny, rocks hella sexy streaks and is basically, like, the dreamiest dreamboat to ever cross the Narrow Sea.


Okay and, like, the next second he looks like your druncle who doesn’t have all his own teeth anymore. Girls, I hate to be the bummer of bad news, but this happens. Like, every day. All the time. It’s like a ridic difficult lesson to learn, but you should learn it early.

Eating Right!


Okay, lol, obviously our gurl Dany could be a little, uh, cleaner when she eats her food, but there’s a reason she looks suhkyute in her sassy little leather outfits. Paleo! It’s all the rage! I mean, don’t you want your man to look at you like that? Then ditch those carbs and stock up on some lean meats, ladies. Your bod will be dragon-bikini ready in no time!

(Imaginary) Vacay Spots!


Trust us: There will be a lot of times in this show where you’ll space out and not pay attention. Again, you’re not missing anything. BUT, at least there is plenty of pretty geography to look at, too. Some of these places apparently just don’t exist (What kind of name is Qarth??), but you can pretend! Or, you can spend an episode searching online for some desert oasis to visit (think of the great sheer dresses you could wear), or a cabin somewhere snowy — a perfect place for cuddling. And role-playing. :):)