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The Big Four On The Floor: How to Revitalize Network Television

By Brian Byrd | Think Pieces | June 18, 2012 | Comments ()


Fewer events in entertainment deliver a stronger, more consistent gut punch to modern television fans than the network upfronts. Each May, the Big Four gather in a swank Manhattan venue (while the CW rents a room at Trenton's finest Motel 6) to enthusiastically reveal a suite of shiny new shows they just know will lead to high ratings, increased ad dollars, and more pop culture mindshare. A year later they're back on stage peddling their same stale wares in the hopes that this batch of babies proves a little less hideous than the ones they birthed 12 months before.

Like long-suffering Cleveland Browns supporters, each year we the TV fan fool ourselves into thinking things will be different. And each year it ends with us throwing Beast Ice cans at the screen, baffled as to how any organization with these resources could possibly be so incompetent. It's not merely the disappointment that's so maddening, but the inventive manner in which it's executed. Fantastic ideas sabotaged by slapdick writing. Quality shows aborted before they have a chance to blossom. Lucy isn't content to simply yank the football away; she must then set it on fire and rifle it into a barn full of sleeping children.

Today's networks are coolly efficient factories of sadness, reliably excreting bland, disinteresting offerings with little discernable appeal to anyone who demands the slightest morsel of intelligence or originality in their programming. Medical procedural. Legal procedural. Police procedural. Rinse, repeat, stab me in my eyes via my asshole. Pretty soon some coked-out exec is going to quit screwing around and just combine them all into one mutant superseries: "Next on CBS, can Lieutenant Bryce Lacrosse, M.D. save the life of a lawyer he shot in the line of duty? Find out on an all-new episode of 'Coptor,' followed by the season premiere of 'Survivor: Chlamydia.'"

The most infuriating part is that these repeated actions aren't successful. As cable and premium channels continue to gobble up the awards, bandwidth and viewers, the networks double down on dookie. Oh, serials account for every Best Drama Emmy since 2000? Order more procedurals, now! It's like drafting Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan 10 years in a row knowing full well what you're going to get each time.

When did networks run out of fucks to give? How did they cede the high ground to cable networks once known for NASCAR races and John Wayne marathons?

The causes are rather obvious. Far more interesting are the solutions. If motivated, networks could restore their reputation among younger, cultured, spend-happy TV viewers in two or three years. Some of the solutions are rather obvious, others more complex and risky. None are easy or cheap. But with cable networks siphoning off more and more viewers from the network tank every year, the choice is either adapt or die.

1. Take Calculated Risks

Television, like the NFL, is a copycat league. Find a formula that works, bend it over the Xerox, and go to town. Eventually these inbred spawn reproduce to the point where they overwhelm the landscape like a virus, transforming primetime network television into a Superfund site of procedurals and reality shows.

The proliferation of cable networks proves there's a huge demand for alternatives. "Mad Men," "Justified," "Game of Thrones," and "Breaking Bad" all set personal ratings records with their most recent seasons. At last glance, none of those shows were procedurals in the cop/doctor/lawyer triumvirate (call "Justified" a cop show and I'll take all four of your kidneys). Outside of "Thrones," there's absolutely no reason the rest of those series couldn't live on broadcast television. All it takes is an executive willing to carve out a new identity.

There's a difference between a risk and a calculated risk. "The Neighbors," ABC's galactically derided fall sitcom about an American family living in a community populated with aliens ("IS IT A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT MY TOWN?!" Sheriff Joe Arpaio screamed while bulldozing a taco stand), is the worst kind of gamble imaginable, the equivalent of raping a tiger cub in front of its mother while wearing a meat suit. Not only does it appear to be a terrible sitcom, but the negative buzz dilutes whatever comedy brand identity ABC has managed to cultivate through the successes of "Modern Family," "Happy Endings," and "Suburgatory."

That said, the Alphabet also boasts the best example of intelligent risk taking to emerge from the upfronts. "Last Resort," a Crimson Tide-meets-"Lost" hybrid from "The Shield" showrunner Shawn Ryan, is easily the ballsiest new broadcast drama of the fall. It casts the always fascinating Andre Braugher as a rouge nuclear sub captain who creates a sovereign island nation after disobeying questionable orders to unleash nuclear armageddon on Pakistan. Yeah, OK, I'm all in on that. This is the exact type of show that will pull in fans of the aforementioned cable standouts. At the very least they'll check out the premiere (which is on a Thursday at 8 pm for some reason). Unfortunately, that's only half the battle.

2. Cultivate a stable of smart, talented writers

Rejuvenation depends on more than concepts. Take a trio of cautionary tales from last season - "Smash," "The River" and "Terra Nova." All three boasted unique ideas, but the results ranged from disappointing to flat-out embarrassing. The heavily hyped "Smash" premiere rode its "Voice" lead-in to a 3.8 rating in the first half hour, but viewers soured on the saccharine show almost immediately and it lost over a million viewers by its 11 pm conclusion. Its finale limped in with a 1.9 rating, receiving a second-season order only by virtue of airing on last-place NBC. No better was "The River," an eight-episode jungle horror drama from Oren Peli designed to capitalize on the cockroachian found-footage craze. Unfortunately, while the characters found both the footage and Bruce Greenwood, no one managed to locate a writer with storytelling ability beyond that of an alcoholic sea turtle. It will not be missed.

And then there's "Terra Nova," a Lucifer-affirming fiasco that managed to do the impossible: make me hate dinosaurs. To this day I giggle maniacally when filling up my gas tank, high on the knowledge that the liquefied organs of some triceratops will power my car for the next week. Fuck you; I hope the asteroid landed on your back. Only a network could turn a massively budgeted show about future humans coexisting with dinosaurs into an insipid Lifetime wannabe that pleased zero of the four quadrants. Naturally, the TV industry drew all the wrong lessons from "Terra Nova's" cancellation, claiming it was too ambitious to ever succeed. Blow me. Its premiere was the most popular new drama of the 2011 season. People wanted to watch. Its writers just made it mentally and physically taxing to do so.

Networks need strong creative hands on the tiller to ensure cutting-edge concepts translate into a coherent series. By my count there are just two elite drama showrunners left on a broadcast payroll - Ryan, and Jason Katims. The rest have fled to more respectable pastures. Matthew Weiner, Graham Yost, Frank Darabont, Aaron Sorkin, Armando Iannucci, Vince Gilligan, Lena Dunham, Adam Reed, Terence Winter - there's no reason these visionaries couldn't be on the front lines of a broadcast resurgence. Well, maybe not Armando "Croissant Dildo" Iannucci. Finances? Please. Networks got coin like Scrooge McDuck. For all the hay made about "Game of Thrones'" budget (around $6.5 million per episode), the average network drama costs about $3 million. And that's for 20-24 episodes. Besides, networks still secure higher ad rates than their cable counterparts. Money is not the problem. Convincing talents of this caliber that their vision will not be compromised is. The only way to do that is to foster an environment where creativity and risk-taking is the norm. Lay that foundation and the talent will come.

(It's worth stressing that revolutionary ideas aren't a prerequisite for success. The ground-breaking hook behind the best drama on broadcast TV, "Parenthood," is "Hey, check out this loving ordinary family." Strong writing still pays more dividends than avant-garde ideas).

3. Embrace Shorter Series

How networks haven't yet boarded this train is beyond me. Probably because it makes too much sense. The adoption of 10- to 13-episode seasons is one of the biggest reasons behind the recent success of cable dramas. On the creative side it allows for focused storytelling, brisk plots and higher caliber actors (less of a time commitment on their end). And execs should love it because shorter series are cheaper to produce and allow them to take more risks on less traditional ideas, thus improving their odds of finding a winner. Strike oil in this format and there's suddenly three or four seasons worth of content instead of two. Think the "Revenge" showrunners wouldn't have snatched that lifeline had it been extended? After it became a hit, ABC ordered Mike Kelley to fashion nine more scripts to fill out a 22-episode season. Not coincidentally, "Revenge" turned into a full-blown soap during the latter half of its run, piling up so many absurd twists the whole show nearly swallowed its own tail.

You don't make pulled pork by throwing a slab of meat into a scalding pot and twisting the stove burner to the max. It has to simmer on low for hours and hours until it transforms into a delicious meal. Give producers the time to develop, tweak, revise and nurture their ideas. It'll pay off. And while we're on the subject of shorter series...

4. Bring Back the Event Miniseries

The highest-rated cable telecast of all time is "Hatfields and McCoys." Think about that for a second. A half-assed three-part miniseries starring Stephen Baldwin's arch enemy and Private Hudson as the patriarchs of two feuding families attracted over 40 million total viewers to the History Channel. Again, there's no reason this couldn't have aired on broadcast television. Networks pioneered the miniseries in the late 70s and embraced wholeheartedly for more than two decades. Why abandon it? The Big Four should dedicate $100 million at the beginning of the year for two event miniseries, then let their marketing departments completely off the chain. Hype the ever-living shit out of these things and deliver a product that actually backs it up. There's no way that doesn't get the Internet buzzing and eyes on sets.

Want some ideas? There's never been a great Revolutionary War epic. Make one. Use David McCullough's "1776" as a guide. Also, option "Manhunt" by James L. Swanson. If you can't find a way to turn Lincoln's assassination and subsequent search for the killers into riveting six-hour television, you're beyond help. Shit, make Booth a vampire if you have to. ABC, you know you'll never be able to quit Stephen King adaptations. He's recently written two legit novels in "Under The Dome" and "11/22/63." Develop them both. Thought-provoking sci-fi will always have an audience. Use the full $100 million to bring the first book of Kim Stanley Robinson's Red Mars trilogy to life. If it works there are two more waiting in the wings.

Network television should never be threatened with the prospect of becoming immaterial. Yet here they sit, poised on the precipice of irrelevance. CBS can cling to antiquated ratings models all it likes to justify its suite of procedurals and mildly racist laugh-track comedies, but if and when the metrics ever change the Eye almost certainly moves to the rear of the broadcast centipede. This isn't just NBC's problem. The Big Four should all be trying to improve. Partly because it makes solid long-term business sense, but mostly because networks are treasured institutions that should set the bar everyone else has to clear. They're responsible for such American classics as "Cheers," "Homicide," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," "M.A.S.H," "The Simpsons," "Seinfeld," "Taxi," "The West Wing," "Lost" and dozens more. They deserve better than to fizzle out under an avalanche of reality show drivel and third-tier scripted series. Yes, they caused it. But they can also dig themselves out. Be bold. Separate from the pack. Experiment. See what happens. Bowie will never be MJ. The sooner that's clear, the faster they can discover the next LeBron.

Brian Byrd wishes he had an arch enemy. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • The networks can start by accepting that when a story is done, it's done. When they start padding out the seasons the viewers drop out. If you greenlit a show based on a 2 season story arc, don't try and insert another season in between just because by episode 4 you realize you have a hit show.

  • Steve Ward

    I would watch the shit out of Byrd's network. The only problem with a mini-series is how often I'm left screaming something like "Oh god damn it, why can't I have more Cumberbatch?! Cumberbaaaaaatch!" alone in my room.

    Also, thank you for pointing out the $3/$6.8m per episode cost of networks vs. Game of Thrones. In other words, a 24 episode season of Law and Order has a pretty comparable cost to a 13 episode season of Thrones. That speaks volumes. And between stretching that out, hyping the shit out of a great, shorter show, and inevitable hundreds of replays, the advertising income would be comparable as well.

    But just two $3m/ep 12 episodes per season shows rather than one for 24 episodes gives you twice as much chance for a hit. With most networks batting well below .500, that just makes a painful amount of sense. If something hits, bump it up to 24 eps in season 2 if you really have to.

  • ed newman

    I can't believe you don't see the problems in the math here. It is not just about the cost to produce a series it is about how much time you have to program. You have about 48 weeks a year to program. If you can produce a 24 episode series you've tackled half of your programming schedule. If you only produce a 13 episode series you've only filled a bit more than 1/4 of the programming schedule. So you have to order another 10 episode series just to catch up. And don't think repeats are an option--it's been proven that repeats don't get ratings and advertisers don't love paying big bucks to advertise on a show that will be repeated in the same week. So it has to be original programming. So you've now spent maybe 2 times as much to program the same 24 weeks of programming. And you have to do this for every hour in your schedule. So if you only program 3 hours a night for five nights per week then you have to come up with about 60 series (assuming they are all 1 hour; it's more if some are half hour) per year. And you are competing with 3+ other networks, and a slew of cable channels, and the movie industry for talent.

    There just isn't that much talent available. Programmers already have a hard time filling out a schedule. Imagine if they needed to have twice as many programs.

    Eventually one or more of the networks will close shop. Then maybe a new model can work. Maybe.

  • Ash

    "embrace shorter series"
    and maybe less than 10-13 shows per season for comedy series?

  • BWeaves

    Embrace shorter series*. Yes. What's the length of a series in England? 6 episodes? Sometimes 3. Sometimes 8. If it has a story arc, it rises and concludes, without dragging on for too long. The mini-series was always a must see event. A regular series? Oh, I'll catch it later.

    * Except for Doctor Who. I hope that goes on forever. I'll need something comforting to watch when I'm finally ancient.

  • Uriah_Creep

    It casts the always fascinating Andre Braugher as a rouge nuclear sub captain

    He went rouge? Does this mean the commies got to him?

  • gyest

    Advertise the sht out of your good shows- COmmunity, Happy Endings, Parks and Rec- and you'll get ratings. What's the point of smart, funny shows if you let them sit and rot?

  • ,

    What the fuck is the difference between a miniseries and and "event" miniseruies? Not a fucking thing. I've had it up to my ass with "premier" events and "tent" events and "share the fucking love" events. "Event" is vastly overused to the point it doesn't mean a fucking thing any more, an empty word used to make the mundane sound like something SPECIAL!!!

    I've been around, and I'm not fooled, and don't you be fooled either.

    Fucking "event." Might as well throw a fucking exclamation point after your fucking miniseries! or car sale! or "Kendra!"

  • Actually, it wasnt hyperbole. The miniseries is still alive in a few places, but not in any form that moves the needle. SciFi (or SyFy or SceyePhai or whatever) airs these schlock timefillers rather frequently. Those are just disposable miniseries.

    What I propose is a miniseries on a much larger scale. Think Band of Brothers or The Pacific. A massively budgeted spectacle that features name actors and known, well-respected talent in the producer/director/writer chairs, the kind of program that dominates pop culture during its run. In other words: the opposite of mundane, the brother of special. Thats an event miniseries. Thats what a network needs to try.

  • Strand

    Hell, even the Battlestar Galactica miniseries got waves and they made four more seasons on the back of it. And that's with SyFy's shoestring budget.

  • ,

    Fuck, you pissed me off so much I can't even spell.

  • David Sorenson

    I'm just disappointed that "Coptor" isn't a show about a police detective who is a Velociraptor. Every time she solves a case, her grizzled partner says, "Clever girl."

    You probably just didn't think of it because of your dinosaur hatred, or because you actually just sold the concept to Fox.

  • occalfoeJ

    Lucy and drunk turtles jokes? Oh man...This riveting piece has everything!!

  • TenaciousJP

    "Bowie will never be MJ."

    You're damn right, David Bowie will never be Michael Jackson, and we are all better for it.

  • John W

    "Medical procedural. Legal procedural. Police procedural. Rinse, repeat,
    stab me in my eyes via my asshole. Pretty soon some coked-out exec is
    going to quit screwing around and just combine them all into one mutant

    I think Dick Wolf is producing Law & Order & ER next year, I'm not sure...

  • ed newman

    At this point broadcast TV isn't even worth saving. There is no more broadcast audience except for sports and reality. America has gotten too brain addled and too segmented to have large sustained audiences for quality drama or comedy programs. I contend there are plenty of good-to-great network shows right now--and almost nobody watches them. Let the broadcast networks wither and die. I believe the networks understand this and are in the "harvest" phase of the business cycle. Don't overspend, don't take risks, just maximize the current profit while preparing for the next big thing. The networks all own their own cable channels and internet sites, don't they? So sit back and enjoy the fall of the Broadcast TV Empire. Even in (rapid) decline they are sure to produce a few more lasting classics like Parks and Rec.

  • Fredo

    If I can continue with your basketball allegory, part of the problem is that the same bad GMs and coaches (in this case, executives) keep getting hired or the same bad thinking continues to be taught to the next generation. Just as GMs kept doubling down on bad players because they were tall/long enough, bad TV execs kept doubling down on game shows during early 00s and on reality TV during lat 00s.

    I am surprised the mini-series events of past aren't more of a presence. Name actors would be after them and if you get a good, smart director/producer, you could have an event or two every year. You couldn't get Darabont or Fincher or any other director to helm a major miniseries?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You don’t make pulled pork by throwing a slab of meat into a scalding pot and twisting the stove burner to the max. It has to simmer on low for hours and hours until it transforms into a delicious meal

    You boil pulled pork? You want and arch enemy, you've fucking got one!

    The fact of the matter is that until the consumers of the heaping pile of fecal matter that the networks keep feeding you smarten up, they're going to keep spooning that delicious dookie into your gullet. Look at the top rated shows and tell me otherwise.

    It's up to you America. Educate your neigbours and loved ones so we can have some quality. Or shoot them and put them out of their misery.

  • alone in the dark

    Full. Frontal. Nudity.

    There. I've saved network TV.

    "Fox became a hard-core sex channel so gradually, no one noticed." Marge Simpson.

  • Stella

    Having entered the hormone-fueled pregnancy phase, I've started rewatching Buffy (because I need my fix of quips on a daily basis). It's made me realize - again- just what a talent Whedon was at creating characters we love and root for, through good seasons and bad.

  • How to Revitalize Network Television :

    Large breasts? I approve.

    call “Justified” a cop show and I’ll take all four of your kidneys

    Last I saw, there was a cop in the lead role. Perhaps you use another definition.

    People wanted to watch. Its writers just made it mentally and physically taxing to do so.

    And yet, six seasons of LOST. Go figure.

    How networks haven’t yet boarded this train is beyond me.

    Completely agree with you on this. No reason (execpt syndication) that every series needs to have 22 eps a season and go on for 10 years. Try, just TRY to do ten eps beginning, middle, end and then see if any aspect of it are worh continuing.

  • Noo

    Marshal's are not cops. They are law enforcement agency for the department of justice, but they don't 'investigate' like cops do. So no, there isn't a 'cop' in the lead role unless you are counting Trooper Tom or Doyle and neither of those were the leads ;)

  • Sean

    "Last I saw, there was a cop in the lead role. Perhaps you use another definition."

    IS Raylan really the lead character anymore? Seems like he is just there to be a straight man for the Emmy winning bad guy of the year. And Boyd. And Dickie. Really, I think they could do away with Raylan a few episodes a season. We wouldn't notice.

  • Phaedre

    I strongly object to this! I would not only notice, I would start organizing search parties!

    The show is of course nothing without the ensemble around Olyphant but he is an integral part and Jusitified is very much his story.

  • birdgal

    Terra Nova was in no way 'mentally or physically taxing' to watch. Quite the opposite actually--it devolved into a horribly written, cliched 'family drama' with dinosaurs thrown in. In theory, something with dinosaurs should never be boring, and yet that's exactly what Terra Nova became. Boring AND predictable.

  • James West

    Trenton doesn't even have a Motel 6. Sigh...

    My hometown sucks.

  • TWoP Fan

    I think they should bring back the cheesy TV movie. Get me some Tori Spelling/Melissa Gilbert/Meridith Baxter Burney cliche-fest and I'll watch the hell out of it.

  • tatertot

    That's what the Lifetime Network is for

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