I Am Woman, I Am Bored: Nikki Finke Thinks Beautiful Women Aren't Funn--zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
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I Am Woman, I Am Bored: Nikki Finke Thinks Beautiful Women Aren't Funn--zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

By Courtney Enlow | Think Pieces | September 25, 2012 | Comments ()

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God, I'm so bored with this shit I can feel my skin crawling off of my body, desperate to seek shelter on the bones of some manner of creature who doesn't have to hear bullshit "women are ____" or "aren't ____" every six months or year. Perhaps an anteater, or a nice soft-shelled turtle. Look at these fuckers. They don't browse the internet. They just...turtle.

The best thing about turtles is they are not forced to care about stuff like this. Which is enviable. Because I am just so tired. Not even in an exasperated, hand-wringing way. In the eye-rolling, is-it-in-yet, sitting-through-a-corporate-training-video-that-doesn't-even-have-fun-dated-hairstyles, I-have-to-pick-something-on-this-Olive-Garden-menu, grandma-said-something-racist-but-she's-old-so-why-bother-caring kind of way.

At this point in time, if you want to offend me by saying something stupid/offensive/ignorant about women, you're just going to have to step up your game. Talk to the GOP. Those guys know what they're doing. But the "funny" thing rings about as hollow as any episode of "Family Guy." "Women aren't funny. Aren't I controversial and interesting? Don't you just hate me?" Just, whatever. I DON'T CARE.

Here's Satan's Vagina's sad attempt to make me feel a feeling:

"Listen-up, Hollywood: Beautiful actresses are not funny. They don't know how to do comedy. (As Bowen demonstrated with her acceptance speech that repeated the phrase 'nipple covers' 3 dozen times. To zero laughter.) Only women who grew up ugly and stayed ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms or standups. Bowen isn't a comedienne just like Brooke Shields wasn't and a zillion more. Because it's all about emotional pain and humiliation and rising above both by making people laugh with you instead of at you. So stop casting beautiful actresses when you should be giving ugly women a chance. (Tina Fey always points out she looked like a troglodyte when she was younger.) This also applies to handsome men, by the way. Now argue amongst yourselves."

It should be noted that her very next sentence was, "You know what I said above? Well [Steve] Levitan is the exception." So do with that what you will.

People keep trying to make this "women aren't funny" thing happen, and, like fetch, it's just not. And every time they try, people get all rabble, rabble, rabble up in arms, and I feel like I'm supposed to be feigning some soapboxy offense at this, but I can't get it up to do it anymore. Women aren't funny. Women are sluts. Women have magic vagina parts that kill rape babies. I mean, it's exhausting having to care this much all the time. And it's made so much more so by then attempting to care about stuff everyone else in the world knows is wrong and stupid and wrong and dumb and wrong. I could post a whole long SRL right now listing every funny woman with a sweet-ass rack, but I don't need to, because DUH. And I never say duh. I didn't say duh when duh was a thing. But sometimes there is only DUH. Because DUH. I don't need to tell you that hot chicks can be funny. I don't need to tell you that generalizing is wrong. I don't need to tell you that Nikki Finke is the armpit of the ass goiter on the taint of a rabid earwig's ingrown pubic hair because DUH.

Why are we still having this conversation? Why do people still feel compelled to say things like "pretty women aren't funny" and "hot girls can't be geeks" and "Emmy winner Jon Cryer" as though they're not completely ridiculous things to say? Yes, like a couple hundred people out there believe them. BUT THOSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING MORONS. Why do we care about those people? We shouldn't. Unless you are actually pondering merging your genitals with the genitals of a person who believes such stupid things, then stop caring. And, if you're the kind of person pondering nether-mergers with people like that, then chances are, you're stupid, too, in which case, congratulations on finding one another and please drink one of the substances under your sink which may cause infertility. I just don't care. I can't care. There is no more care.

Some pretty women are funny. Some ugly women are funny. Most women are not funny. Most men are not funny. Most people are not funny. All people have some kind of sadness, horror or humiliation in their respective pasts and to imply that people who do are somehow funny is idiotic because some of those people are serial killers or write YouTube comments. And to imply that pretty people don't have those things is a laughably grade schoolian viewpoint that can only be had by a pathetic shitbag of a human being. Which, by the way, is something woman are also totally capable of being. Hooray for breaking the glass ceilings of being a total canker sore, Nickels! And, atop everything else on this mountain peak of dumbfuck, there's the forced cannibalistic soccer team of DUH that is that beauty and funny are so specifically subjective. I think Chelsea Handler is about as funny as a curb stomped puppy, but that doesn't mean that people who find her funny are wrong; it just means that I'm...something. I don't know. Right, I guess? I DON'T KNOW. I'm delirious with "fuck this shit; I want a snow cone."

There are a few funny people in the whole world. And if a few of them happen to be women, and a few of those women happen to be moderately attractive, then so fucking be it. I DON'T CARE.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Lucille

    This woman is the Ann Coulter of the internet. A boring, moronic troll. I'm not sure why people even listen to her anymore.

  • Even Stevens

    Whenever people make the "pretty people have it sooo easy" argument, I always think of Buffy's speech to Jonathan in Earshot (which is relevant as it involves Emmy Winner Danny Strong - SO much better) and she basically tells him to brush that giant chip off his shoulder: "Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're way too busy with their own. The beautiful ones, the popular ones, the guys that pick on you. Everyone,"

    Pain and tragedy, quite frankly, don't give a shit about what you look like.

  • Morgan_LaFai

    I think I kind of agree with the point being made. People who grew up being beautiful didn't have as much need to develop a good personality. That doesn't mean it never happens, just that it is less common then people who grew up not being (or at least not thinking that they were) beautiful and thus needed to develop a good personality. But this is a gender neutral statement and is far from being 100% accurate.

  • intheyear2000

    Holla! And I never say holla. I didn't say holla when it was a thing.

  • Hawkeye Fierce

    Thank you, Courtney. You summed up a level of disgust, ennui, and apathetic exhaustion that sort of defines my whole life. But you made it funny haha instead of funny tragictrufax.

    And I have sniggered and giggled at all the ensuing comments. Bless Pajiba.

  • The several layers of sarcasm, and citation of "Satan's Vagina" makes whatever this is supposed to be, very difficult to follow.

  • I like that the only picture in existence of Finke looks like it came from an Ayn Rand/Total Eclipse of the Heart mashup. Even though I know people who have met and dined with her, I still can't decide if she really exists. I'm Finknostic.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Well that's the best/worst mashup imagery I've ever been subjected to. And I'm hungover so it hurts like hell.

  • Kirbyjay

    I thought it was Frances Farmer...... seriously

  • Devil Child

    You could at least read my post before tossing it. Don't you have any ability to detect sarcasm?

  • Pookie

    Finke’s problem is that she stopped at beautiful women, most women aren’t funny. The only woman I’d pay money to go see is that jewish broad Sarah Silverberg or Silverstein or whatever her goddamn name is. She's hot and she's funny.

  • Sara_Tonin00


  • kirbyjay


  • Devil Child

    I'm so sick of sexist morons saying pretty women aren't funny.

    Young women aren't funny! Women only get funny when they either want to have sex with other women, or start entering their menopause years. 122 year old Jeanne Calment holds the record for the single funniest joke ever told:

    "What's you're biggest wrinkle?"

    "I'm sitting on it."

  • kirbyjay

    and neither are you

  • Mmm....snowcones. I wonder if the place that does the chocolate-covered-cherry snowcone is still open....

  • VonnegutSlut

    That one photo of Finke always brings to mind the bastard child of Cathy Moriarty, Meryl Streep & Botox (with a healthy dose of badger c*nt thrown in for good measure.)

  • alwaysanswerb

    I see what she did here. This is just another attempt to establish the importance and uniqueness of Nikki Finke. All evidence points to her believing herself of the "funny, not beautiful" variety; yet, she obviously isn't funny at all.

    According to her own logic, she is the beauteo-comic paradox.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Court, you need to cut Miss Finke some slack. It's really not her fault that she has a debilitating disease that prevents her from seeing beautiful people and the humour they can create. In fact, it's hard for Miss Finke to see anything other than the inside of her own colon.

    See, Miss Finke suffers from a debilitating disease that is becoming more and more prominent in today's society. That insidious disease is called Colorectalcraniumism.

    Early stages of the disease causes one's head to become firmly and semi-permanently lodged in one's own ass. This, of course, can have a myriad of effects on the patients health and life. Given that they can no longer observe the world outside of their own colon, they are given to making statements that they have no actual way of verifying. Not that they care about accuracy though as another one of the symptoms is brain damage from lack of oxygen and the constant inhalation of their own digestive hubris. Could you imagine having nothing to inhale except Miss Finke's musty butt-breezes all day? *shudder*

    Combine those major issues with muscle spasms in the neck, back and the constant choking sensation from one's own sphincter and it makes for one ignorant, irrational and irritated patient. She can't even remove her head without a team of surgeons and some heavy mechanics to pry her cheeks far enough for removal. Even then, the relief is always temporary. Show some understanding for Miss Finke and her plight, people!

  • Groundloop

    Nicely done Courtney! But in the end, turtles gonna turtle, trolls gonna troll, and Nikki Finke will always add evidence to the case that she's a horrible bunt.

    Somewhat related, I rationalize the phrase "Emmy winner Jon Cryer" by thinking it's to honour his work in The Famous Teddy Z.

  • TOB

    The problem is that you put the words "Nikki Finke" and "thinks" next to each other in the same sentence.

  • VonnegutSlut

    When I read comments like Finke's, I just have to assume she is doing her best "Andy Kaufman-but-with-a-vagina/Tony Clifton" impression and is attempting to be funny by offending everyone within transmitting distance of thought herpes..."therpes," if you will.
    But upon closer inspection, you know what? I take it back.
    Finke isn't the Vaginized Andy Kaufman at all; she's the Andrew Dice Clay of entertainment bloggers.
    And that's like saying someone is the best hemerrhoid on Lindsay Lohan's ass.

  • Anna von Beav

    Who the hell is Nikki Finke?

    Honestly, I'd never even heard of her, or Deadline (I assume she runs that site, or something?), until you guys started talking about her. I mean, is she somebody I'm supposed to care about? Is she famous? Is she related to someone famous? Is she smart or insightful in some way that I'm not getting out of her writing, which is (by the bye) terrible?

  • space_oddity

    ...and the header picture is the only known photo of her.

  • foolsage

    I'm pretty sure she's Tobias Funke's sister.

  • Nikke Finke gets a lot of exclusives from Hollywood for Deadline; some are even real. She also writes shrill editorials that are masterpieces of trolling the Internet. She's simultaneously reputable and revolting.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Is it in yet, made me snort. But my question is why do we even care about this? A stupid person made a stupid comment, sfw? This is election season dammit, wait 10 minutes and another stupid person will say another stupid thing, only then it will be relevant. Something Ms. Finke frankly isn't.

  • dsbs

    I think this may be my favourite celebrity-based thing you've ever written.

  • googergieger



    Anyways, I don't care about this business. Because well, why would I? I do take issue with the turtle thing though. I mean surely the crazy penis and the immortality thing, are the two big selling points in being a turtle? Well I mean that and the slim but very real chance of becoming a teenage mutant ninja.

  • Yeah, except those are aliens, not turtles. Hollywood said so.

  • googergieger

    Are you calling Vanilla Ice a liar? Because if you are, we can throw down right now.

  • Her argument was rendered invalid the day Lucille Ball took glamour shots.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Er, I hadn't heard Nikki Finke's lame-o quote until I read this article. But if you think we're past having this conversation, then just move past it. Someone with limited "power" who has expressed many stupid opinions who expresses another - we don't have to take her seriously. Or dignify her with a response.

    (see, I don't think you're stupid, Courtney, or I wouldn't have responded.)

    It's ok to feel tired. Roll your eyes and move on. It's an awesome coping mechanism [to be employed in trivial situations like this, not say, the Holocaust].

  • That's a hilarious argument. I find it especially funny since I caught Elizabeth Banks sending Conan's audience into fits of laughter last night with jokes about dirty Latin and grinding against hot men. But that's a statistical outlier, right Nikki?

    And then there's how Brooke Shields gets rave reviews for her physical comedy prowess whenever she's brought in as the lead on a big budget Broadway musical. But she's not funny. Her beauty means she can never be funny. Nope, not at all.

    Only horrible, ugly women like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, and Chloris Leachman can be funny, right Nikki? Oh, wait. They weren't ugly. Guess Mel Brooks didn't know how to cast his comedies.

    I sometimes like to feed the trolls, too, Courtney. The key is not feeding them after midnight and making sure you destroy them in the process. Well played.

  • ,

    Teri Garr. Never forget Teri Garr.

    What knockers.

  • Slash

    I saw that, too (Banks on Conan). She was delightful. And still hot. Nice gams.

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