Everything I Learned About Everything I Learned from Nicholas Sparks’s Yahoo! Answers Pages

The Lucky One, an adaptation of Nicholas Sparks’s snot-rag novel of the same name, made a better-than-expected $22.8 million at the box office this past weekend. Mr. Rowles called it “manipulative porn” in a review on Friday, and that’s precisely the reason why so many people either love everything Sparks related (teenage girls) or hate it (everyone else). Out of curiosity, and because I hate myself, I headed to my favorite website in the world — Yahoo! Answers — and searched for “Nicholas Sparks.” Here are some life lessons I learned about literature, about teenagers, and about America. Namely, WE’RE DOOMED.

1. Don’t read an entire book when you can just see the movie instead.

2. Snooki > Nicholas Sparks > Everyone Else

3. Nicholas Sparks is a wonderful “NOFICTION” writer.

4. Nicholas Sparks was born with lady parts, but so was everyone.

5. Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer are the only two good novelists to release books after 1945.

6. Friends should make fun of friends for liking Nicholas Sparks.

7. All books don’t end in happy endings because sometimes characters need to die.

8. You’ll be “called gay” if you read Nicholas Sparks’s’ books and have three names.

9. Romantic guys don’t really exist.

10. When Nicholas Sparks touches your back, it means he wants to DO YOU.

11. Nicholas Sparks owns stomach cancer.

12. It’s because of Nicholas Sparks that people can’t find love.

13. It’s OK to masturbate to a Nicholas Sparks’s book.

14. OMG Nicholas Sparks is, like, the greatest author 4eva.

15. I have never heard of the author Nicholas Sparks.