Good afternoon, Jibers and Jibettes. It’s Monday. Let’s hate-fuck this week in the back of a Volkswagen Bug.
The 13 Most Useless College Majors pretty much includes all the majors our readership has earned. (The Daily Beast)
My favorite new character of the network season now has a work-out video. It is spectacularly douche-y. (WarmingGlow)
From new characters to old, is April Ludgate the best character on television? (Slate)
Science has finally figured out what might cause brain freezes. (Jezebel)
Joss Whedon wrote a hilarious skit about sexism and robots starring … Daphne Zuniga? (Vulture)
What is fast food’s obsession with stuffing pizza crusts with other food items? What’s wrong with pizza crust just the way it is? Why would you put hot dogs in it? (Now, bacon on the other hand …. ) (Buzzfeed)
Speaking of hot dogs, here’s a dog made out of hot dogs. (Nerd Approved)
But back to fast food. This, right here, is an image of burgers and fries purchased at four different fast food establishments. TWO YEARS AGO. There’s been no decomposition. Which decomposes faster? A diaper in a landfill? Or a McD’s burger IN YOUR STOMACH? (Facebook)
And to get you to eat those burgers, the only word proven to be most effective in compelling you to eat them is “Premium.” Jonathan Safron Foer must appreciate the irony (you’ll have to dig deep to get that joke). (Esquire)
A GIF slideshow celebrating Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Don’t mind if I do. (Uproxx)
There are so many truly interesting people in the world. Why do gossip blogs insist on focussing their attention on people like this? I don’t even know who these people are. (Celebitchy)
I didn’t even know they were dating, but I kind of love who Carey Mulligan up and married over the weekend. This is who you should be talking about, gossip blogs. (SFGate)
If there’s anyone you ladies should be taking advice from, it’s not Steve Harvey. It’s Chris Elliot. (Nerve)
Look! The Von Trapp kids from The Sound of Music all growed up.
Tired of seeing the same two Dark Knight trailers? There’s a new one coming soon, but in order to find out what movie to which it’s attached, you’ll have to click. (Slashfilm)
Spider-Man is more than just a web-slinging superhero. He can also dance. JAZZ HANDS. (Movieline)
Jack Nicholson is 75 years old now, and he hasn’t made a decent movie in a decade. No matter. Jack Nicholson could make Air Bud 12, and we wouldn’t hold it against him. LIFETIME PASS. Here’s an assortment of things that our friend Nathaniel R. loves about Jack. What’s your favorite Nicholson performance? I don’t even know if I could choose, but one that rarely gets recognition is The Postman Always Rings Twice. I dig that movie to China. (TheFilmExperience)
This can’t be real, can it? ELCoolJ sent along this, a Saw-themed Carnival Cruise, where you can watch all the movies and hang out with Costas Mandylor. On a cruise ship. (Thrillist)
Related: Here’s a great list of seven horror films that defy their genre. (Saw is NOT among them) (Unreality)
Do you like to pass the time on long car trips with banal games? Here’s one called “Yellow Car.” It’s probably the worst car game ever invented. Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate sent me this video, and I’m not entirely sure if it was in jest or if it was in earnest. She’s a mysterious woman and she hasn’t slept in two months so I’m not ready to assign a motivation to her.