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Who's Really The Worst On 'You're The Worst'?

By Kristy Puchko | Seriously Random Lists | September 4, 2015 |


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The show’s called You’re The Worst, and week after week its central foursome of friends seem to be in earnest competition for that title. With this deliciously cutting comedy returning next week with season two, we got to wondering who really is the worst? Gretchen, Jimmy, Lindsay, or Edgar?

Using math, science and the empirical evidence of their careless collateral damage, we’ve figured our way to a winner of worst.

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“Oh man! I thought it was a food processor.”
The Victim: Becca’s Aunt
Mistake: Buying wrapping paper to similar to Lindsay’s.
The Repercussion: After Gretchen (Aya Cash) stole a wedding gifted blender thinking it was a fancy (but not too fancy) food processor, this poor unseen auntie earned the unfair scorn of Becca for “lying” about getting her a present.
Points to the Perpetrator: Its a shallow grudge Becca will take to her grave, but one of many. +1 to Gretchen.

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“Fun hipster shit is just poor Latino shit from ten years ago.”
The Victim: Hipster Ringleader (Thomas Middleditch)
The Mistake: Stealing a carefully plotted Sunday Funday plan from Edgar (Desmin Borges).
The The Repercussion: He’s outed in front of his friends as the pathetic poser he is. Even Sloppy Sweatshirt Girl scorns his trying-too-hardnesss.
Points to the Perpetrator: When all you have is your cool persona, losing it is pretty brutal. But the guy is a hipster, and they’re insufferable. +2 to Edgar.


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“It’s like you guys willfully don’t even hear me!”
The Victim: Froyo Clerk
Mistake: Allowing limitless “samples.”
The Repercussion: He’s treated like a doormat by Gretch and Lindsay (Kether Donohue) as they talk sex and slurp free froyo.
Points to the Perpetrator: When they drop in to his shop, his blood boils. And as it’s apparently part of their gal pal routine, he never knows when they might come. Which makes is all worse. That waiting. Bonus point to Lindsay for skipping the cup and going straight from froyo dispenser to mouth. +5 to Gretchen, +6 to Lindsay.


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“Nice try, dickhole.”
The Victim: Bookstore Manager (Stephanie Courtney)
Mistake: Messing with (possibly sleeping with?) Jimmy (Chris Geere).
The Repercussion: The closest thing Jimmy has to a job is stopping by her bookstore to cheat his books into prime sales space or hassle visiting authors. But it’s Gretchen that dealt the lowest blow, stealing the store cat, named Kerouac. (Of course it’s named Kerouac.)
Points to the Perpetrator: Jimmy is a recurring thorn in Flo from Progressive’s side, yet I suspect she enjoys the tension of this more than she lets on. It’s not like working in a bookstore is all that exciting. On the other hand, Gretchen stole the woman’s cat. That’s cold-blooded. +4 to Jimmy, +7 to Gretchen.


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“Shush!”
The Victim: Movie theater audience
Mistake: Shushing Jimmy and Gretchen on date night.
The Repercussion: Getting screamed at and having to decide between the two’s movie-talking while eating Chinese takeout nonsense, or missing a rare revival screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Points to the Perpetrator: Yeah, it’s crazy obnoxious, breaking just about every rule of theater conduct save for cell phone use. But you could just move away from them. +3 to Jimmy, +3 to Gretchen.


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“Who?”
The Victim: Killian Mounce (Shane Francis Smith)
Mistake: Trying to be friends with Jimmy.
The Repercussion: He’s been forgotten at bookstores, insulted, ignored and introduced to unsafe environments for a child, including an accidental drug deal. But let’s get real, that’s his parents fault. Where the hell are they?
Points to the Perpetrator: He’s pretty mean to Killian, but to be fair the kid is a weenie. I’m hoping this dull-eyed seventh grader moves away, gets kidnapped or otherwise vanishes in season 2. +3 to Jimmy.


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“How could anyone not like Paul?”
The Victim: Midwest Bumpkin.
Mistake: Letting Lindsay have sex on him in his family’s mini-van.
The Repercussion: After a few short days he’s cashed in his L.A. ambitions to head back to Ohio where married cougars aren’t so pushy.
Points to the Perpetrator: She scared the hell out of this gentle dove, but there are much worse ways to see your Hollywood dream die. +3 to Lindsay.


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“His size barely made up for the fact that his mustache connected to his sideburns. It was like getting banged by John Quincy Adams.”
The Victim: Venti (Adam Tsekhman)
Mistake: Bailing on his barista responsibilities to indulge Gretchen’s revenge sex drive.
The Repercussion: Nicknamed for what he was packing in his trunks, this hipster’s hook-up got him canned from his cafe gig.
Points to the Perpetrator: It’s not like barista work is hard to come by. +2 to Gretchen.


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“Wait! Move like six inches to the right, my face is way too close to that booger.”

The Victim: Hot Bouncer
Mistake: Also banging a revenge-seeking Gretch.
The Repercussion: Well, he didn’t lose his job. But while he thought a back alley bang (in an actual back alley) was going be the start of a sweet romance, Gretch just considered him a +1 in her non-exclusive sex game. His flirty text will go forever ignored.
Points to the Perpetrator: He expects too much from an obvious one-night stand (in the literal stance), but why did she give him her number? +1 for Grotchen.


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“If you think you can get Megan Thomas naked, more power to you.”
The Victim: Hollywood It girl Megan Thomas (Ginger Gonzaga)
Mistake: When an interview with Jimmy kicks into foot fetish territory, this sultry starlet went with it all the way to his bedroom.
The Repercussion: Jimmy told all in the cover story called “Inside A Hollywood It Girl (Literally).”
Points to the Perpetrator: Kissing and telling is shitty enough, but damn! Imagine if Emma Stone or Kristen Stewart Taylor Swift had a headline like that! Career compromised. +7 to Jimmy.


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“Your prediction at the wedding: You and I have not made love for the last time.”
The Victim: Becca Barbara (Janet Varney)
Mistake: Dating Jimmy. Inviting Jimmy to her wedding. Continuing to interact with him at all after he tried to ruin her wedding.
The Repercussion: Things with her newly minted husband Vernon weren’t in a great place to begin with. But letting Jimmy in her back door (of her house) and back into her heart has sewed some serious seeds of doubt into her souring suburban dream. Also, the foursome ruined her BBQ/surprise baby announcement through drunken makings out and various other scene-makings.
Points to the Perpetrator: Edgar riled Jimmy. Gretch distracted a bit of attention from Becca. But Lindsay and Jimmy derailed the day between their weird kiss, and the little sister’s nonsense declaration of being in the family way, or on the way, or maybe just getting a divorce. But Jimmy could teach a class on messing with Becca’s head. +1 to Edgar, + 3 to Gretchen, +6 to Lindsay , +9 Jimmy.

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“There’s wife Lindsay who helps Paul with grave stone rubbings on his genealogy trips. And then there’s adulterous Lindsay, who just wants to sit on everyone’s face!”
The Victim: Paul
Mistake: Marrying Lindsay.
The Repercussion: Always the chubby little sister, Lindsay was desperate to one-up prissy perfect Becca. So when overgrown Cabbage Patch kid Paul proposed, she jumped at the chance. Since then she’s mocked his hobbies, embarrassed him in front of her friends, screamed at him in front of his, and cheated on him so many time she could single-handedly up Ashley Madison’s success rate.
Points to the Perpetrator: She’s made Paul the bad guy in their marriage and so fought him with every tool at her disposal. Worse yet, she tortured this nice guy rather than admitting defeat, solely to incite her sister’s jealousy response. As much as I love this self-proclaimed skank, I cheered for Paul when he dramatically dumped her. +9 to Lindsay.

TOTALS
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Congratulations, Jimmy! You’re the worst!
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Next week look for Kristy’s “Where We Left Off” post ahead of You’re The Worst’s season two premiere.


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