What A Way To Go: Film And Television's Ten Deadliest Catches
By Dan Saipher and Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (20)
Who was it who once opined that “there’s not even breathing room between pleasure and pain.” Was it Plato? Socrates? One of those beardos. In the following list we, your alliteration addicted authors, explore our darker sides. These are the film and television characters so alluring we wouldn’t mind that any tender embrace would inevitably become a choke hold. A bevy of femme fatales and (really) bad boys whom we might ask, “Is that an ice pick under your mattress, or are you just happy to see us?” Feel free to chime in with your own sexy psychos, mind the Season 1 “Dexter” spoiler in the second item and have a good night, sleep well, we’ll most likely garrote you in the morning.
Ксения Сергеевна Онатопп - Goldeneye
“No more foreplay”, says James, cocking the hammer on his Walther PPK. JAMES BOND ALWAYS HAS TIME FOR A RIGHT PROPER SHAGGING. Leave that satellite engineer in the Severnaya cold; I’m taking the biting, gnawing, scratching, clawing, Thighmaster-popping sadist back to my cabin.—DS
Rudy Cooper/The Ice Truck Killer—“Dexter”
While we all know Dexter to be one sexy sociopath (especially when he puts on that clingy brown henley), it’s his brother who really caught my eye. Dexter is more likely to feign love, imitate affection and whip up some pancakes; he’s the kind of killer you settle down with. It’s Rudy Cooper who provides the most immediate danger and more potent allure.—JR
Bonnie Parker—Bonnie and Clyde
Faye Dunaway leaning up against a 1934 Ford Model 730 Deluxe Sedan, gently stroking the handle of a pistol, is enough to make any man lustful enough to be packing heat in more places than his holsters. Playfully inviting, quick on the trigger, and too damn striking to make me care if she’s just stringing me along for the ride.—DS
J.D.—Heathers
Oh, J.D., so lethally cool. The perfect prom date. Slater was the thinking girl’s Jake Ryan. An outsider, a loner, ready with a wry smile and sexy quip abou-um, no, seriously, don’t drink that.—JR
Zula—Conan the Destroyer
Hey, this movie could have been worse, as in, it could have been the rebarf. Although it pales in comparison to John Milius’ original, I’ve got a place in my heart for any movie with Mako, Wilt the Stilt, and Olivia D’Abo, who helped introduce me to BOOBS. Complain about stick-figure action heroines all you want, but Grace Jones could slaughter her way through a whole pit of Wargs with nothing more than her teeth and crazy-eyed malice.—DS
Cillian Murphy—Red Eye
This movie was smarter than you think. It took a very standard RomCom premise (Bubbly/cute/clumsy/hapless workaholic! Bar meet cute! Coincidental seatmates!) and turned it on its bloody, burbling head. Oh I’d join the mile high club with Cillian Murphy any day.—JR
Alice Morgan—“Luther”
While Idris Elba is busy pulling his “Sherlock Holmes in Ray Lewis’ body” act, this ginger spawn of Satan stalks our hero with Lecter-like wit and creep. Look at that face; there’s more insidious plotting in those right-angle Beelzebub ‘brows than your local death row lineup.—DS
Norman Bates—Psycho
I’m sorry, I know. I shouldn’t even like Norman Bates before he gets all stabby. The man is a recreational taxidermist birds and talks an awful lot about his mum. But I can’t help it, I always want the shower scene to end with Bates and Janet Leigh getting dirty. Perhaps it’s all that guyliner…oh that would be part of the whole cross-dressing psychosis…right… —JR
Mal Cobb—Inception
Because I have a special place in my heart for my belle dames sans merci. When Juno and Jack ride the elevator up from inside his dream sequence, there’s a quick shot of Mol’s eye staring at the two that sends a sexy shiver up my spine. She gets bonus points for knocking down Dom, too; because let’s face it, Eames is the real brains behind the whole operation, anyway.—DS
Tyler Durden—Fight Club
I’ll take both versions, please. One of each. Oh, sure, the kisses may burn with more than just passion. And, yes, fine, unlike many of the others on this list, Durden is not content to kill one at a time. But, well, I’ll put this as delicately as I can. I’ve not seen such a masterful demonstration of the carnal arts since I graduated from secondary school.—JR
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Comments
Posted by: Seth at September 15, 2011 3:05 AM
Alice Morgan: mouth breather.