By Seth Freilich | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (105)
10. Lieutenant Columbo
9. Arthur Fonzarelli
8. Angus MacGyver
7. Sydney Bristow
6. Don Draper
5. Sophia Petrillo
4. Hannibal Smith
3. Bugs Bunny
2. Mal Reynolds
1. Magnum P.I.
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Posted by: SadieRue at May 11, 2009 3:34 PM
Every time I see Peter Falk he starts narrating The Princess Bride in my head automatically. Fuck Columbo, I'll always remember him for that alone.
Posted by: Snath at May 11, 2009 3:34 PM
Whenever I see Peter Falk, I wonder what secrets lie behind his glass eyeball.
And that Roller Derby movie that had boobs in it.
Posted by: Skitz at May 11, 2009 3:38 PM
Assuming this is just American shows: Frank Motherfucking Pembleton.
Posted by: Jay at May 11, 2009 3:38 PM
Oh, hell, great list. Needed some Mal/Magnum love on a Monday afternoon.
Posted by: dammitjanet at May 11, 2009 3:39 PM
Where in the hell is Bart Simpson?
Posted by: Janey at May 11, 2009 3:41 PM
Andy Taylor.
Posted by: ed newman at May 11, 2009 3:45 PM
Rockford was cooler than Columbo in my book. But I can't fault the top two spots.
P.S. MacGyver is rocking a serious dildo there. I'd buy that before I'd buy the Japanese Penisator on the other thread.
Posted by: BWeaves at May 11, 2009 3:48 PM
What no Kojak? What the fuck is wrong with you, baby?
And....just, one more thing, where's Mannix, and Rockford?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2009 3:51 PM
Agreed on the lack of Veronica Mars. However, badass list otherwise.
Posted by: Gwenn at May 11, 2009 3:52 PM
Lenny and Carl.
Well, maybe just Carl.
Posted by: annoyingmouse at May 11, 2009 3:53 PM
To this list, Al Swearengen would say, "If I bleat when I speak it's because I just got fuckin' fleeced."
Posted by: branded at May 11, 2009 3:54 PM
I'm sorry...this might be too current, but I personally think Jack Bauer should be on that list. And Alex P. Keaton.
Totally with you on McGyver and Sophia!
Posted by: Whorish Mouth at May 11, 2009 3:55 PM
Absolutely needs Lt. Frank Drebin, Detective Sargent Police Squad.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2009 4:00 PM
Where's Omar?
Posted by: Jeff at May 11, 2009 4:07 PM
Maude.
Posted by: twig at May 11, 2009 4:08 PM
Fucking A. Right on Frank Pembelton, Jay. I'll also add Hawk from "Spencer for Hire" and Michael Weston and Sam Axe from "Burn Notice." Oh, and Brisco County Jr. Fuck it, throw in Lord Bowler, too.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 11, 2009 4:09 PM
Since we are also doing toons it needs:
Daffy Duck (I'm talking classic era psychotic daffy not the Bugs Bunny stalking, bitter Daffy)
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2009 4:18 PM
You're down with cartoon characters, but neglect to mention Brock Sampson? For shame.
Posted by: Poobiscuit at May 11, 2009 4:19 PM
Yeah, motherfucking Brock Sampson!!
Oh, and Quagmire...giggity
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2009 4:22 PM
Brock Samson "Venture Bros."
Omar Little/Stringer Bell "The Wire"
Jack Donaghy "30 Rock"
Posted by: annoyingmouse at May 11, 2009 4:28 PM
Step into my Wayback Machine...
McGarrett. Book 'em, Danno!
Carl Kolchak.
And no Johnny Fever?
Posted by: Che Grovera at May 11, 2009 4:32 PM
snath are you crazy?? Fuck Columbo? you are insane. I still watch re runs to this days! and I wasn't even born when it was first aired! the man get on your ass and doesnt let go and he's deadly charming about it. it doesn't get cooler than Columbo. but this rant was probably made completely useless since i'm pretty sure you have been already hit by a stroke of lighting and are dieing a merciless death. U dont fuck with columbo.
also yes to the mal love, I cant ever get enough of that but lets' take sydney bristow down. have endless amount of wigs doesn't make you cool, unless you are Ru Paul of course.
Posted by: rio at May 11, 2009 4:40 PM
absolutely the best list i have ever read
Posted by: Mackie at May 11, 2009 4:46 PM
Peppard played another cool cat that should be included here:
Banacek
Oh and we mustn't forget Matt Houston, played by the dude from The Sword and the Sorcerer, I think.
Amazing how many millionaire playboys were private detectives.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2009 4:56 PM
You nearly gave me a frickin' heart attack with the thumbnail image of that annoying, screech-voiced, high-waisted pants wearing, annoying, large glasses wearing, annoying, moronic Urkel.
Oh and did I mention ANNOYING!?!?!
Thank God for Magnum, P.I.
Posted by: mswas at May 11, 2009 4:56 PM
Great list. Mal Reynolds!
Posted by: jaceway at May 11, 2009 5:03 PM
I for one regret the absence of Santos L Halper from this list. For shame.
Posted by: CDell at May 11, 2009 5:08 PM
Spike.
"(high voice) How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad hunk of a night thing? (low voice) No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I’m just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No, not the hair! Never the hair! (high voice) But there must be some way I can show my appreciation. (low voice) No, helping those in need’s my job - and working up a load of sexual tension, and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough! (high voice) I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so…… (low voice) Say no more. Evil’s still afoot! And I’m almost out of that Nancy-boy hair-gel that I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away!"
Posted by: Tarn at May 11, 2009 5:09 PM
No Omar Little?
Fuck this list.
Even Lester "Smooth" Freamon. Wake up, goddammit!
Posted by: Riley at May 11, 2009 5:15 PM
Second Opinion:
1- Buffy Summers
2- Veronica Mars
3- Ben Linus
4- Ren & Stimpy
5- Andy Sipowicz
6- Al Swearengen
7- Tony Soprano
8- Fox Mulder & Dana Scully
9- Dexter
10- Archie Bunker
Posted by: John W at May 11, 2009 5:21 PM
Xena?
Posted by: Rosa at May 11, 2009 5:24 PM
I agree on Al Swearengen, Sam Axe, and Jim Rockford, and would like to include Det. Lenny Briscoe.
Posted by: Siege at May 11, 2009 5:30 PM
Yeaaah, Don Draper! Fuckin' A! Of course he's kind of a douche sometimes but damn, everyone just stands in complete AWE of that man.
And oh man I'd jump on Jon Hamm in half a second.
For the rest...man, I don't know. Americans had the most bizarre tv shows. I will never, ever understand the love for Fonzie.
Posted by: figgy at May 11, 2009 5:47 PM
Troy McClure.
Posted by: John W at May 11, 2009 5:50 PM
Many on that list, Sydney Bristow in particular, are boring. Replace with (for example):
Jim Halpert, the Office
Spike, Buffy
Oz, Buffy
Dr. Greg House, obvious
Odafin Tutuoalla (Ice-T), Law and Order: SVU
And those are only the first few names that popped into my head. Great idea for a list and some great selections (the Fonz was obvious; props for Mal!), but a lot of it was lacking.
Posted by: Zack at May 11, 2009 5:54 PM
SNL Edition:
1- Mr. Bill
2- The Samurai
3- Mr. Robinson
4- Emily Litella
5- Roseanne Roseannadanna
6- Wayne & Garth
7- Church Lady
8- Land shark
9- Wild and Crazy guys
10- Frank Sinatra
Posted by: John W at May 11, 2009 5:57 PM
Sayid Jarrah.
Hands fucking DOWN.
And Jack Bauer? come on!
Though that might be another list: "Biggest Badasses in TV History"
Posted by: figgy at May 11, 2009 5:58 PM
I'd like to nominate:
Atia of the Julii
Dr. Girlfriend
Major Kira
Xena
Posted by: Inaras at May 11, 2009 6:00 PM
solid list. tom selleck's moustache does things to me..
Posted by: letsspoon at May 11, 2009 6:05 PM
No Al Swearengen?
Omar Little??
Stringer Bell???
you lose
Posted by: dg at May 11, 2009 6:25 PM
Honorable Mention: Maebe Funke.
Marry me!
Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at May 11, 2009 6:26 PM
Ah, Seth -- more pathetic love for everything Whedon. If you were Dustin, I'd ditch this f-ing site.
Posted by: superasente at May 11, 2009 6:26 PM
Mark me down as another vote for Swearengen. And put him down in the Number One slot. For all fucking time, world without end, amen.
Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at May 11, 2009 6:39 PM
Don Draper's character is so fucking dull. I want him to go away.
Posted by: ER at May 11, 2009 7:16 PM
I CAN'T STOP!
1-Lucy Ricardo
2-Ralph Kramden
3-Gomez Addams
4-Maxwell Smart
5-Joe Friday
6-Number Six
7-James Kirk
8-Barnabas Collins
9-James West
10-Mick Belker
Posted by: John W at May 11, 2009 7:22 PM
Veronica Mars, Maebe Funke, Kima Greggs, Cal McAffrey from the original State Of Play.
And Bill Haverchuck.
Posted by: Simon A at May 11, 2009 7:23 PM
Boooo!
Where are Dana Scully and Starbuck?
Posted by: Agent Scully at May 11, 2009 7:24 PM
Rack another one in for Al Swearengen.
Also, I would add The Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.
Posted by: alphawhiskey at May 11, 2009 7:27 PM
No GOB?! COME ON! Thats a 3,000 dollar suit!
You've made a huge mistake.
You're killing me, Pajiba.
Posted by: Anna at May 11, 2009 7:45 PM
Zim
Snake (from the Simpsons)
Cotton Hill
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2009 7:45 PM
is no one going to mention tootie ramsey?
Posted by: gp at May 11, 2009 7:47 PM
Max.
Headroom.
Hands down.
Posted by: Some Guy at May 11, 2009 7:49 PM
Hawkeye Pierce
Posted by: neurotica at May 11, 2009 7:58 PM
Bender from Futurama
Artie from Larry Sanders
Posted by: Jackseppelin at May 11, 2009 8:04 PM
The Young Ones:
1-Vyvyan Basterd
2-Rick
3-Neil Pye
4-Mikethecoolperson
Posted by: Tomasina at May 11, 2009 8:05 PM
CJ Craig from West Wing
seconds for Kara Thrace and Fox Mulder
Posted by: Jackseppelin at May 11, 2009 8:08 PM
Awesome list but I would like to have seen Hawkeye on it as well.
Posted by: Eyvi at May 11, 2009 8:08 PM
...Frank Motherfucking Pembleton.
You know I agree.
I'd have to switch up the list a bit.
Shoulda beens:
Archie Bunker (and for that matter, Edith)
Hawkeye Pierce
Fred Sanford
Lucy
Posted by: Cindy at May 11, 2009 8:15 PM
Oh man, Ralph and Norton! How can either not be on the list? That's just criminal.
Posted by: Cindy at May 11, 2009 8:16 PM
You forgot Bubbles AND Omar in The Wire. They're SO complex in their own morality that I'm not sure where to begin. They're that entertaining. Maybe because I'm in the midst of Season 4. But I'm enjoying my time going slowly through it thanks to Netlix and their plethora of shitty broken DVDS!
Posted by: ph at May 11, 2009 8:17 PM
Kojak? Who the fuck is cooler than Telly Savalas with a pop? Maybe Frank Pembleton.
Posted by: Cindy at May 11, 2009 8:19 PM
And Starbuck circa Katee Sackhoff would have been a nice recent addition.
Posted by: Cindy at May 11, 2009 8:21 PM
Doctor Who, The Old Series:
1-Tom Baker
2-Jon Pertwee
3-Peter Davison
4-Patrick Troughton
5-William Hartnell
6-Colin Baker
7-Sylvester McCoy
Posted by: Tomasina at May 11, 2009 8:21 PM
Dr. Johnny Fever? *swoon* Amen, Che!
No mention of Barney Stinson, huh? Surprising...
Posted by: meaux at May 11, 2009 8:24 PM
Spike, Giles, Sayid, Starbuck (Kara Thrace), Saul Tigh, etc, etc...
At least MacGyver made the cut.
Posted by: Melissa at May 11, 2009 8:55 PM
Venus Flytrap - Johnny Fever might be the first name one thinks of when it comes to WKRP, but Venus was classic.
Posted by: funtime42 at May 11, 2009 9:13 PM
Mr. Eyvi would like to add his two cents;
Ricardo Montalban - Mr. Roarke - Fantasy Island
Bowser - Sha Na Na- *cringe*
Ted Lange - Isaac Washington - The Love Boat
The whole A Team
I'm....not sure how I feel about this.
Posted by: Eyvi at May 11, 2009 9:32 PM
I too would have liked to see Cigarette Smoking Man on the list.
Also, because I'm not afraid to bring out my grammar geek on this site, I don't think the "all time" here gets a hyphen. It's ok when it's "The all-time coolest TV characters," but not the other way around.
Slinking away...
Posted by: Pistachio at May 11, 2009 9:41 PM
Robert McCall--The Equalizer. Thanks for Hannibal Smith. And I did not know that MacGyver's first name was Angus.
Posted by: EH at May 11, 2009 10:32 PM
Johnny Fever might be the first name one thinks of when it comes to WKRP
Posted by: funtime42 at May 11, 2009 9:13 PM
Actually, Bailey Quarters is the first name that comes to my mind when I think of WKRP (I've always had a thing for the cute, smart girl in the shadows), but I suppose I let my sexist tendencies get the better of me.
Slinking away...
Posted by: Pistachio at May 11, 2009 9:41 PM
No need to slink when you're right, Pistachio!
Posted by: Che Grovera at May 11, 2009 10:32 PM
Also, in keeping with BSlim's call-out of millionaire playboy private detectives...Jonathan Hart. Seriously. Who had that level of je-ne-sais-quoi cool down better than Robert Wagner?
Posted by: Che Grovera at May 11, 2009 10:37 PM
i think swearengens place is on a biggest badass list, likely at the top. ditto brock sampson, vic mackey, veronica mars, early tommy gavin, late wesley wyndam price, sporadic starbuck and i submit darkhorse candidate jed bartlett.
missing from the cool list were oz, nph (any flavor), jim, bobby donnel, dan rydell, hyde and nancy botwin
Posted by: trippdup at May 11, 2009 10:40 PM
No Turk? No Dr. Cox? No Bender?
Fuck this list man, fuck it up it's stupid ass. :)
Posted by: JuniorMintz at May 11, 2009 11:03 PM
Ugh, fail. Let's try this again...
1. Veronica Mars
2. Buffy Summers
3. Darlene Connor
4. Jo Polniaczek
5. Mr. Big
6. Barney Stinson
7. Dr. Perry Cox
8. Jack Donaghy
9. Nicole Julian (from "Popular")
10. Chuck Bass (yeah, I said it)
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at May 11, 2009 11:18 PM
Where's McNulty? Where's Vic Mackey? Where's Veronica Mars? Where's Buffy? At least you got Mal Reynolds, tough I would have placed him in first place.
Posted by: Radlum at May 11, 2009 11:42 PM
Veronica Mars! Hello??!!
Posted by: Melissa at May 12, 2009 12:06 AM
You kids...you're so cute. With the possible exception of Dr. House, there hasn't been a genuinely cool character on TV this decade. Jack Bauer? Fascism isn't cool, it's tragic (and 24 will be to the Aughts as Wall Street was to the Eighties). Maebe Funke? Bill Haverchuck? Please. Veronica Mars is a more serious choice, but she's so...precious. It's impossible to be cool and inspire people to pinch your cheeks at the same time (she still had that problem in Forgetting Sarah Marshall -- even though they were different cheeks).
Posted by: Che Grovera at May 12, 2009 12:16 AM
Hell, you could fill this with the majority of characters from The Wire:
Omar, McNulty, Bubbles, Stringer, Bodie...
Followed by Dr. Gregory House. Dexter should be on here for his amazing ways of illustrating humor.
Vic Mackey, of course.
Gob Bluth.
And fuck Bugs Bunny! Huey Freeman from The Boondocks would whoop his AND Elmer Fudd's ass. Simultaneously.
Posted by: Riley at May 12, 2009 12:52 AM
Actually, Bailey Quarters is the first name that comes to my mind when I think of WKRP
Posted by: Che Grovera at May 11, 2009 10
---
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Bailey *swoons*
*fist bumps Che*
So uncool they were cool:
Lenny and Squiggy
Larry, Darrell and Darrell
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 12, 2009 1:13 AM
Telly
Omar (or Brother Mouzone)
Al Swearengen
Jim Rockford
Remington Steele
David Addison
James T Kirk or T J Hooker or Denny Crane
Posted by: lwoodpdowd at May 12, 2009 1:36 AM
You want old school cool?
Emma Peel and John Steed
Jim Phelps
Cinnamon Carter
Rollin Hand
Barney Collier
The Great Paris
James T. Kirk
Number 6
John Drake
Britt Reid
Peter Gunn
Mannix
James West and Artemus Gordon
Napoleon Solo and Ilya Kuriakin
Jim Rockford
Bret Maverick
The Entire Addams Family
Posted by: Adam C at May 12, 2009 1:39 AM
Veronica Mars is a more serious choice, but she's so...precious. It's impossible to be cool and inspire people to pinch your cheeks at the same time.
No, no, no. That is exactly what pushed her over the top into top-10-caliber coolness. Veronica, both as written and as acted by Kristen Bell, knew how to wield that cuteness like a razor. The cuteness and the way she used it gave the character a sort of charismatic swagger, without which she would have been sort of annoying.
Veronica Mars is smarter than all of us.
Posted by: the essence of fanciness and class at May 12, 2009 1:48 AM
I do, however, agree about Bell in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She seemed to struggle in that role, mainly because her baby-face makes it hard to believe her as such a complicated character.
Posted by: the essence of fanciness and class at May 12, 2009 1:50 AM
1 Spike (BTVS)
2 Hawkeye Pierce
3 Kojack
4 Bret Maverick
5 Doctor Who (pick your favorite)
6 Homer Simpson
7 Lisa Simpson
8 Sawyer
9 Sayid
10 Murphy Brown
My first tv boyfriend David Addison. Bruce Willis made Moonlighting, he broke the forth wall like nobodies business.
I'm glad you got Columbo, Mal, Sydney, MacGyver but seriously "The Fonze"!?! The Fonze was never cool.
Posted by: Mebe at May 12, 2009 4:02 AM
Spock should also be listed.
Posted by: Mebe at May 12, 2009 4:04 AM
Colt Seavers!
Posted by: Mo at May 12, 2009 4:07 AM
Zoe Washburne
Omar Little
Saul Tigh
Lucille Bluth
Garth Marenghi
But Simon A Also has a pretty good list
Veronica Mars, Maebe Funke, Kima Greggs, Cal McAffrey from the original State Of Play.
And Bill Haverchuck.
Posted by: dead fred at May 12, 2009 6:56 AM
My list
Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, AD Skinner
Jack Fucking Bauer
Vic Mackey
James Sawyer & Sayid Jarrad
Jonathan Hart
James T. Kirk
The A-Team (yep, all of them)
Thomas Magnum
Mal Reynolds & Saffron
Jim Rockford
Posted by: TylerDFC at May 12, 2009 8:09 AM
Ok, another vote for Al Cocksucker Swearengen,
add in
the Brown Bear himself, Turk;
President David Palmer;
Jack Bauer;
Rocket J. Squirrel;
Mulder & Scully;
the man called Jane;
Rockford;
and, for local fans,
Sammy Terry!
Posted by: dammitjanet at May 12, 2009 8:17 AM
Another vote here for James T. Kirk. Screw that Pine bitch!
and Kojack
and Hawkeye Pierce (Though when it comes to Hawkeyes, Sutherland >> Alda.)
and doesn't anyone else feel any Crockett & Tubbs love coming in the air tonight?
Posted by: cheryl at May 12, 2009 9:16 AM
Young crowd. No one was cooler than Richard Boone as Paladin.
Posted by: brm at May 12, 2009 9:35 AM
I'm in my late 20's, so I got to watch most of the classics in re-runs. I have to concur with those who said this decade has not had a genuinely iconic "cool" character. Television just isn't what it used to be. To put Mal Reynolds (who is cute and all) ahead of Bugs Effing Bunny is ridiculous! For that matter, Magnum P.I. at number one just doesn't fly (it is most definitely Bugs Bunny). Lucy Ricardo should have been on this list. If it was a pure 80's list, Colt Seavers should be there. Also, The Lone Ranger might not be politically correct, but he was definitely cool and iconic. Mulder/Scully, George Costanza/Kramer...lots of these guys should have been there instead of a Sydney Bristow (who was just a cheap--or, should I say, more expensive but not as cool--knock-off of Nikita).
Posted by: Hrmph at May 12, 2009 12:34 PM
I've got to go with Charlie Crews from Life.
Posted by: Jadine at May 12, 2009 12:44 PM
Spike Spiegal.
Posted by: Brett at May 12, 2009 1:35 PM
hell yeah! where's Veronica Mars?
I really like Mad Men, but I'd say Betty is cooler: she shot the birds! ...and Don is the character I love to hate. He's an asshole (well, who isn't in Mad men?)
Posted by: mario at May 12, 2009 1:36 PM
Jim Rockford from the Rockford Files kicked off my James Garner crush......
Posted by: courtney at May 12, 2009 1:49 PM
Even Delonte West says that Bugs Bunny is "the smoovest dude I ever met."
Posted by: Matches at May 12, 2009 3:09 PM
Some repeats, but I'd definitely add, The Fall Guy, James West, Jean Luc Picard, and my namesake, Detective Elisa Maza.
Posted by: elisamaza at May 12, 2009 4:59 PM
You know Horatio Caine is the man.
Posted by: De_Rock at May 12, 2009 6:15 PM
Sledge Hammer
Posted by: madmonk at May 12, 2009 7:04 PM
STARBUCK!
Posted by: lalala at May 13, 2009 2:53 PM
herman monster are you kidding me, he was the bomb.
Posted by: ldyskeewee at May 21, 2009 2:15 PM
Fine, since I didn't see him mentioned anywhere...Dean Winchester. I love "Supernatural" and it's one of the only things I'm watching lately. Because of Dean.
Posted by: Cait at May 25, 2009 11:07 PM
No offense pal, but you are so clearly a white guy! =)
Posted by: KK at June 3, 2009 1:54 AM
What, no Veronica Mars?