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Sequels We Reject From Our Head Canon

By Pajiba Staff | Lists | June 30, 2016 |

By Pajiba Staff | Lists | June 30, 2016 |


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You love its characters. You want to roll around some more times in their kooky world. So why not strap in for another exciting adventure from your adored movie franchise? Because sometimes it’s best to leave at the happy ending, and digging back in means unearthing depressing new barbs in otherwise wondrous stories.

Some sequels are so bad we just need to banish them from our head canon so favorite characters can keep their hard-earned happily ever afters.

Independence Day: Resurgence

Nope. Brave Captain Steven Hiller (Will Smith) and his courageous wife Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox) are alive and thriving, occasionally barbecuing with former President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) who has no depression beard but does have a Mae Whitman-lookalike daughter. Meanwhile, hot technician David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) stayed reunited with his ex Constance Spano (Margaret Colin), and never needed to fuck with warlords, mega-aliens, or lesser Hemsworths. —Kristy Puchko

X-Men: The Last Stand

Thank Jebus Days of Future Past flushed that turd into the bowels of irrelevance.— Jodi Clager

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Mutt, nuking the fridge, aliens—even our then 4-year old looked at us during the movie and said, “This makes no sense!” — Jodi Clager

Serenity

I know, sacrilege. But I reject any storyline that rips Wash away from his beloved Zoe. World of No Go! The Washburns are off somewhere, banging and bantering their way across the ‘verse, shiny and inspiring. —Kristy Puchko

ALIEN 3 AND EVERYTHING AFTER IT.

Ripley and Newt and Bishop and Hicks are all living happily together somewhere. Ripley and Hicks fell in love, adopted Newt, and Bishop became their adorable and wise android companion and they travel the galaxy having space adventures. — TK


Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King

Look, Fellowship and The Two Towers are masterpieces. Fantastical, gorgeous, and heartfelt masterpieces that do almost everything right — from the smallest breezes of emotion to the most epic storms of battle and slaughter. Return of the King, however, bottles almost all of that. It’s overlong and each of its beats feel like they’ve been done already—and much better—in the previous movies. Giant battle? Helms Deep is the one. Hordes of magical creatures? The March of the Ents nails it. Nazgul threats? Done better in both previous movies. Heart-string-pulling pathos? Rivendell and Rohan knock it out of the park. I must have seen Fellowship and Towers about 30 times each now, but each time it’s King’s turn I just close my eyes and re-live the book version instead. — Petr Knava


Blues Brothers 2000

I paid to see Blues Brothers 2000 in a multiplex. I’d have traded theater experiences with Abraham Lincoln. — Brian Byrd

Paranormal Activity 3 & 4

Every Paranormal Activity after the first one was a shit-filled cash grab that made the simple story of the first one a drawn-out web of cults, lies, and time travel. — Jodi Clager

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park 2 is a perfectly fine movie if you turn it off when they all get into the helicopter to go home. (I.e. No stupid San Diego shit.) — Vivian Kane

I’d agree with that assessment. It goes from solid sequel to Hollywood mess as soon as they take off. — TK

Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason / Bridget Jones’s Baby

Fuck off full stop, sequels. Bridget and Darcy are gloriously married, having hot sex, and making blue soup every anniversary. —Kristy Puchko



Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter, and hear her sound off about movies and feminism on the Slashfilmcast.



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