How Am I Supposed To Write A Thanksgiving Songs List? How?
I often write Dustin, asking, “What the hell do you want me to do this week? I just got invited to a screening for this random ass Chinese cartoon called The Dreams of Jinsha that’s like this methlab explosion combination of The Wizard of Oz, The Neverending Story, and Romance of the Three Kingdoms, except it sucks. Do you want me to review that?” And he’s usually like, nah. Just do trade news, or write an SRL or something. So this week, things were really thin, so he said, don’t worry about the reviews, just go ahead and do some trade news or maybe an SRL on Thanksgiving songs.
And I said, what the fuck are you talking about Thanksgiving songs? Like carols or some shit like that? I mean, most of our readership’s from other countries. Do they even have Thanksgiving? Wait, is that one! No, that was Bono douching about Christmas in Africa or some such shit. I know the fucking canucks already turkeyed it up. Do they eat turkeys? Maybe they eat moose knuckles. Hasn’t Sarah Palin invaded them yet to prove she’s good at Risk? Thanksgiving carols? What the fuck?
And Dustin said, all I can think of is that Adam Sandler song. So, you know, good luck.
So I sat there and I thought, Thanksgiving songs? He’s gone abso-fucking-batshit. That baby of his has finally broke him. What the hell would people sing about on Thanksgiving?
Most people like to bitch about Thanksgiving. Oh, shit, I have to spend time with my extended family, like my Uncle Rich who likes to play backyard football where the tackles last a little too long and involve soft Jim Croce songs played over candlelight, or drunk Aunt Marsha who gets into the boxed wine and spends most the day crying because the drumstick reminds her of that bastard ex-husband of hers. And then crazy racist Grandpa who starts bitching about what the queers are doing to our soil.
Or then there are the other elitists — you’ll see them in a few days filling up yours and my Facebook status lines — with their whimsical quips, “Oh, ho ho! We’re eating turkey to celebrate a holiday where the Pilgrims slaughtered a bunch of Native Americans! Have a happy genocidal pumpkin pie day, gahuyuck, gahuyuck. Watch the Redskins slaughter the Vikings and remember when it used to be the other way around! HEE HEE!”
Guess what, historybook? That’s how all society works. One group travels over to find another group, subvert their culture, there’s a big slaughter and the winner gets dibs. And then when they run out of lands to conquer, they start beating each other up. And then they beat the planet up. And right now, America’s finished up ruining everybody else’s good time, our global economy will collapse, China will take over, and we’ll all be eating dim sum and watching The Dreams of Jinsha. So shut the fuck up, stuff the fucking drumstick in Marsha’s gob, kick Rich in the dick on the next play, watch the fucking Eagles win, pass me the fucking Cool Whip and Tums, and continue shutting the fuck up. I’ll be in my room doing awful things to a pumpkin pie and listening to the following on repeat.
Happy fucking Thanksgiviing, you fucking ingrates.
5. Ten Little Indians — The Beach Boys
4. Cherokee People — Paul Revere & The Raiders
3. Apache — The Sugarhill Gang
2. Roll Plymouth Rock — Brian Wilson
1. People of the Sun — Rage Against The Machine
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