Going To A Party Where No One's Still Alive
Most ghosts in film and television are dickholes. Let’s face it — they have unfinished business which makes them rather unpleasant. Like that Poltergeist fuckstump? Rolling around with that evil clown puppet bastard, fucking up all our drinking by sending worm monsters into Coach, fucking with the television reception. Not a ball of laughs.
Yet, there have been a rare few ghosts that have crossed our screens that would probably be a hoot at a Halloween party. They like to drink, maybe cause a little trouble, but they seem like they’d be pretty fucking cool to have a glass of Ecto-Cooler and vodka punch. Here’s my guest list for the party of the damned.
Phantom Dennis — “Angel”
He’s not much of a talker, but he’d make sure the trash got moved and the drinks were full. The moody poltergeist might even invite his roommate Charisma Carpenter along, but don’t get too close, or he might start making your night awkward.
The Succubus that Molests Ray Stantz — Ghostbusters
No party is complete without that one girl who gets wrecked and starts trying to climb on anyone. This spirit floated over Dan Akyroyd’s bed and started to unbuckle his pants. And if she was feelin’ Akyroyd, at the very least she’d be worth a BJ for anyone with decent looks.
Captain Daniel Gregg — The Ghost and Mrs. Muir
This rowdy sea captain can spin a yarn, and he’s respectful of youngsters. Get a few grogs in him, and he’s bound to start up a few sea shanties and maybe a reel or two.
Martin Brogan — High Spirits
This mothertupper is the jealous type, and he might have to choke a “fish”, but he’s Irish, and if the Irish are good for one thing, it’s potatoes, plagues and violence.
Dr. Malcolm Crowe — The Sixth Sense
He may have come across whiny and kind of milquetoast in the film, but he’s Bruce Fucking Willis.
Funky Phantom — cartoon, “Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law”
Why you so funky? Yo yo yo old Betsy Ross. She waves Old Glory then she takes it off.
Stretch, Stinkie, and Fatso — “Casper”
Sure, Brad Garrett might voice the fat one, but Casper’s uncles like to start shit, get loaded, and sing karaoke.
Slimer — Ghostbusters
He’s a little messy, and he’s probably going to house all the food, but this little green bastard would be a damn fun addition to any party.
Sam Wheat — Ghost
He’s got a dire penchant for The Righteous Brothers and Herman’s Hermits, but he’s Patrick Swayze. Get him loaded and we can spend the rest of the night doing scenes from Road House.
Cyrus, Stuart, and The Judge — The Frighteners
They scheme for Frank Bannister, but these three dudes are bound to start a ruckus — particularly that mummy-banging, gun-toting Judge.
Barbara and Adam Maitland — Beetlejuice
These two know how to throw a party. Calypso music and pulling crazy faces — plus they’ll guarantee everyone would be dropping trough and dancing up a storm.
Space Ghost — cartoons, “Space Ghost: Coast to Coast”
He’s bound to start some good conversation, particularly if he brings along Old Kentucky Shark and his lovely wife, Bjork.
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