Best TV Drunks
A Seriously Random List /
Seth Freilich
Seriously Random Lists | May 12, 2009 | Comments (72)
5. Uncle Ned (“Family Ties”)
4. Paula Abdul, alleged (“American Idol”)
3. Steve-O, recovering (“Jackass”)
2. Barney Gumble (“The Simpsons”)
1. NORM! (“Cheers”)
Posted by: Jay at May 12, 2009 4:18 PM
What about Saul Tigh?
Posted by: Drew at May 12, 2009 4:19 PM
Long live the lushes! Honorable mentions to Jerry Horne from Twin Peaks, Brian Griffon from Family Guy, and Lucille Booth from Arrested Development.
Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at May 12, 2009 4:21 PM
McNulty was usually okay for work the next morning. The Bunk, however -- there's you a drunk.
Posted by: sansho1 at May 12, 2009 4:21 PM
Otis is an egregious omission. Foster Brooks made a career out of being the drunk on Hollywood Squares and elsewhere.
Norm was a barfly but I can't remember him ever drunk (except at the series finale wrap party on Leno when the whole cast was bombed).
Posted by: ed newman at May 12, 2009 4:22 PM
Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. No one can draw the lyrics to "Day Man" sober.
Posted by: Julie at May 12, 2009 4:23 PM
What Julie said.
Also? Tyra fuckin' Banks. That woman is batshit insane and drunk 24/7.
Posted by: figgy at May 12, 2009 4:26 PM
Second the nomination of Lucille Bluth. I think Paula is mostly pills, so you could swap her out.
Posted by: battgirl at May 12, 2009 4:26 PM
Woody: Can I get you a beer, Norm?
Norm: It's a little early isn't it?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions
Posted by: TK at May 12, 2009 4:27 PM
I thought Paula was more narcotic related.
The Bunk needs to be on this list
Posted by: Brian at May 12, 2009 4:28 PM
Norm comes into Cheers out of a storm.
Bar: Norm!
Woody: Still pouring, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: I was about to ask you the same thing, Woody.
---
Woody: Whattaya say to a cold one, Mr. Peterson?
"See you later, Vera, I'm going to Cheers."
---
Was Crazy Guggenheim a drunk or just ... um, mentally impaired?
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 12, 2009 4:41 PM
Lucille Bluth, yes indeed.
Posted by: Kolby at May 12, 2009 4:41 PM
Roger the Alien - American Dad
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 12, 2009 4:44 PM
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?
For the win.
Posted by: ponch at May 12, 2009 4:44 PM
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?
Posted by: figgy at May 12, 2009 4:45 PM
Dude. Get out.
Posted by: figgy at May 12, 2009 4:46 PM
Dr. Christian Shephard?
Posted by: Agent Scully at May 12, 2009 4:47 PM
I was also going to vote for Otis and Foster Brooks, but I'm old and you preschoolers probably don't remember them (Ed Newman excluded).
Posted by: BWeaves at May 12, 2009 4:51 PM
Jinx, you two!
Homer Simpson is also the classic alcoholic.
"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive?"
Posted by: Julie at May 12, 2009 4:51 PM
Oy, Tom Hanks? Really?
Extra points for percentage of on-screen time spent hammered, so Barney and Otis have to be in the top five.
But they have to be someone you'd want to go on a pub crawl with, to borrow from Spender's comment on another thread. It's quite a bit more complicated than it appears at first blush:
Best duo: McNulty and Bunk or Don Draper and Roger Sterling (tie)
Best wingman: Don Draper
Best front porch philosopher: Admiral Adama
Best drunken overnighter resulting in chafed underparts: Karen from Will and Grace
Punching out some skells after boilermakers: Andy Sipowicz
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 12, 2009 4:53 PM
Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, 'cuz I'm comin' home loaded.
I love that line.
Posted by: TK at May 12, 2009 4:54 PM
I'm going to go with Joe Namath. That was on TV, right?
Posted by: Mrcreosote at May 12, 2009 4:54 PM
TED! (in a Norm-style Cheers greeting)
Hopefully this will totally catch on where "fetch" failed us before.
Posted by: branded at May 12, 2009 4:56 PM
The entire male cast of "Mad Men", socalled. I don't think there were more than a couple of scenes that didn't feature someone drinking or smoking.
Posted by: figgy at May 12, 2009 4:58 PM
I figured Norm would be number one. I've been rewatching Cheers recently from start to finish.
However, I was going to make the same comment that Ed Newman already made: Norm wasn't really a "drunk." He was constantly drinking inhuman levels of beer, yes, but rarely was he portrayed as intoxicated. The man had a preternatural ability to hold his alcohol, and that the subject of more than one joke on the show.
And just to contribute a few...
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson."
"Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 12, 2009 5:03 PM
Holy Shit! we are forgetting Krusty
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 12, 2009 5:04 PM
Don Draper would be a lousy wingman because he's not witty; he gets women through sheer animal magnetism. Sterling is a better wing because he can keep the group entertained while you're slipping away with the target.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 12, 2009 5:09 PM
Julia Child!
Posted by: samantha t at May 12, 2009 5:14 PM
Yeah...There could be a platoon of hot shirtless men around me and I would ignore them all if Don Draper were in the room.
Posted by: figgy at May 12, 2009 5:22 PM
Tracer: Very true. Don's too intense and isn't any fun. I'd want to drink with Sterling, but Don would be too serious for me. I'm more a Sterling kind of gal, honestly. And the gay dude from the design department, of course.
Posted by: samantha t at May 12, 2009 5:25 PM
I have to break it down like the Academy and go with male and female titles. Andy Sipowicz for the first, "Ipsa this you pissy bitch" to, of course, his future wife. Female version? I'm going to cop out and make it a tie between Edina and Patsy. Wierd that I just saw a Foster Brooks mention this week:
http://www.lasvegasadvisor.com/articles/QofDay2secure.cfm?QID=1675&Keywords=foster%20brooks
Posted by: slower lower at May 12, 2009 5:28 PM
Uncle Ned! That was a very special episode in a long line of very special episodes. Didn't he drink the vanilla extract?
Posted by: shelleyh at May 12, 2009 5:35 PM
"Uncle Ned! That was a very special episode in a long line of very special episodes. Didn't he drink the vanilla extract?"
Totally! Can you imagine the laughs they had on that set during the filming?
Posted by: samantha t at May 12, 2009 5:36 PM
What about Calamity Jane from Deadwood?
"I'm drunk. Correct. What the fuck is it to you?"
"I won't be a drunk where he's buried, and I can't stay sober."
Calamity Jane: "Maybe I will have a fuckin' drink, for sociability's sake and 'cause I'm a fuckin' drunk."
Joanie Stubbs: "What's your preference?"
Calamity Jane: "That ain't been previously swallowed"
Come ON, people!
Posted by: Withnail at May 12, 2009 5:39 PM
I can't believe I forgot Meredith from The Office. Dude, she drank the HAND SANITIZER.
Posted by: figgy at May 12, 2009 5:43 PM
And Paula Abdul's not a drunk. She's addicted to PAIN KILLERS!
Posted by: Withnail at May 12, 2009 5:46 PM
I also have to give an honorable mention to Christine Baranski as Maryann in Cybill. Her stalking of Dr. Dick was the best part of that show.
Posted by: slower lower at May 12, 2009 5:47 PM
Dude, she drank the HAND SANITIZER.
I saw that on Intervention. It was terrifying because it was true. He added water and it frothed up and he was all, 'oh look. It's like a cappuccino.'
Posted by: Jeni at May 12, 2009 5:51 PM
Meredith's too sad (HAND SANITIZER!) to be my favourite TV drunk; Lucille Bluth gets my vote.
Posted by: Lisa at May 12, 2009 6:05 PM
ab/fab season 1, episode 1:
Edina: "if i squat, i'll piss myself".
and i was hooked.
Posted by: gp at May 12, 2009 6:11 PM
What about Hawkeye and Trapper John? They drank Army tent hooch straight from the still, fer Chrissakes...
Posted by: ErinM at May 12, 2009 6:18 PM
Yeah, HELLO, nothing for Patsy??
"The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic."
"I shall drink water . . . it's a mixer, Patsy, we have it with whiskey."
Posted by: Sharon at May 12, 2009 6:31 PM
Karen Walker!!
Ben: any preference in wine?
Karen: honey, i'd suck alcohol out of a deodorant stick so you're asking the wrong gal.
o
Posted by: HoochieLad at May 12, 2009 6:37 PM
Steve from American Dad was hilarious this week.
"What up you stupid f----- beep beep beep beep."
I made out this girl after the part when I went to get some late night Za and Da. Pizza and soda, when you're drunk you don't have time for the beginning of words..."
Posted by: Trini at May 12, 2009 6:46 PM
Hawkeye Pierce
Brian Griffin
Robert Mitchum's character from El Dorado
Dean Martin
Dean Martin's character from Rio Lobo
Foster Brooks
Otis
Norm!
John Wayne's character in McLintock!
Saul Tigh
Posted by: The Wanderer at May 12, 2009 7:11 PM
What about Saul Tigh?
For that matter, what about Ellen Tigh and Adama?
Wasn't there a drunk on the Andy Griffith show? Or was he just dumb?
Posted by: Cindy at May 12, 2009 7:54 PM
Gangy. You'd better drink that vodka before it goes bad!
Posted by: Elfrieda at May 12, 2009 8:03 PM
Ahem!?
Bender Bending Rodriguez!
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at May 12, 2009 8:19 PM
Patsy Stone, and to a lesser extent, Edina Monsoon.
Simon Marchmont on POSH NOSH (this brandy is better than God's wee). If you haven't seen this show, watch it NOW. The whole series is just eight, ten-minute episodes and you can watch it all on YouTube. Richard E. Grant give a boozy performance that actually out-drunks Withnail.
Don't remember her first name Klein on SPACED (the show's pretty decent, but yes, count me among those who just find it 'pretty decent')
Anne Shirley and Diana Berry: Not Raspberry Cordial
Man, I was all jazzed to bring up the vanilla-chugging incident, but someone beat me to the punch.
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at May 12, 2009 8:28 PM
For my fellow Canadians:
Uncle Bobby from the Uncle Bobby Show.
A kid's show that features everybody's favorite "Uncle". YAY!
He was so loaded he could barely make a complete sentence, and he slurred every word. He had a super-creepy sidekick: Bimbo the Birthday Clown. I have nightmares just thinking about. If he was on the air today, Chris Hansen would be all over his ass.
Posted by: TAR at May 12, 2009 9:30 PM
*Lucille Bluth
*Chuck Bass
*Tim Riggins (I don't know if he's a drunk, but he drinks a lot)
I have a ridiculous crush on all three of them.
Posted by: lucy at May 12, 2009 9:42 PM
Lucy in the Vitameatavegamin episode!
Posted by: Sasha at May 12, 2009 9:55 PM
The Reverend Jim Ignatowski on Taxi
Posted by: LwoodPDowd at May 12, 2009 11:00 PM
Graham Kerr
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 12, 2009 11:50 PM
Patsy and Edina for sure!
And cool Withnail for Calamity Jane! "Aw fuck! I burnt ma snatch!"
Way to go BWeaves and all for Foster Brooks! He was my first choice too.
And bonus points for my fellow Canadians old enough to remember: Graham Kerr, The Galloping Gourmet!
Posted by: Odnon at May 13, 2009 12:08 AM
LUCILLE BLUTH takes the cake!
Posted by: djfox at May 13, 2009 12:10 AM
McNulty! So, a month or so ago, in a moment of soul-sucking boredom at work, I took the Facebook "Which character from The Wire are you?" quiz, and the result came up McNulty. Which I thought was hilarious for a while, cause I am also very drunk and very Irish. But then I got dumped by my overachieving lawyer boyfriend (of a year) about three weeks ago, and last night stumbled upon this monologue of McNulty's from season three:
"I listen to the shit she talks about, first time in my life I feel like a fucking doormat. Like anyone with any smarts'd do something else with his life, y'know? Earn money or...get elected. Like I'm just a breathing machine for my fucking dick. I'm serious! I'm the smartest asshole in three districts and she looks at me like I'm some stupid fuck playing some stupid game for stupid penny ante stakes. She fucking looks through me, Kima."
And now I know that the fictional McNulty and I are fraternal twins. Sigh.
Posted by: masha at May 13, 2009 1:14 AM
Andy Sipowicz....when he fell off the wagon....everyone in NYC knew it.
Posted by: Rubble44 at May 13, 2009 1:32 AM
How are you doing Mr. Petersen?
Poor
That bad, hunh?
No, pour...
Posted by: Rubble44 at May 13, 2009 1:33 AM
Dylan Moran's character Bernard in Black Books?
Dude drank at least 4 Bottles of Wine Daily...
Posted by: RonnyK at May 13, 2009 1:57 AM
Meet tall sexy girls in the great web
***---S e e K B I. c o m---***. I’m sure your lover is there.
Posted by: linda shake at May 13, 2009 5:06 AM
my favorite:
"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
Posted by: Adere at May 13, 2009 5:46 AM
All time favorite cheers Norm-ism that I actually use:
Woody: How's the world treating you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Like I slept with its wife.
I'd like to add "Fun Bobby" from Friends. I loved how the anti Very Special Episode ended up re-inforcing that some people are more fun when they are drunk.
Spaced: Marsha
Posted by: TylerDFC at May 13, 2009 9:08 AM
I loved how the anti Very Special Episode ended up re-inforcing that some people are more fun when they are drunk.
---
I know a guy like that. Most people only think they get funnier when they're drunk. This guy really does. He's a musician and his gigs always get better as the night goes on.
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 13, 2009 9:55 AM
Lucille Bluth is amazing.
Posted by: samantha t at May 13, 2009 10:34 AM
Withnail:
You rock. Calamity Jane was by far the best drunk ever and I doubt she will ever be surpassed.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 13, 2009 10:41 AM
Calamity Jane and Little N' General drinking in front of Hostetler's Livery.
Calamity Jane leaning face forward on the shed.
Blythe Danner in Huff was pretty funny too. It's the familiar waspy family drunk I know.
Are we just ignoring all of Rescue Me?
Posted by: amanda47 at May 13, 2009 1:34 PM
Steve the Drunk - Deadwood. His drunken racist tirades are priceless!
Posted by: dmo at May 13, 2009 5:40 PM
What about Bunk Moreland or Jimmy Mc Nulty from the wire
Posted by: The Grinch24 at May 14, 2009 1:33 AM
@amanda47:
"The Bible instructs us, when two of different races return from a graveyard together, the event should be marked with liquor."
Alcoholism as progressive thinking. What's better than that?
Posted by: Benny at May 14, 2009 11:35 AM
"This is Carlton.... your Doorman..."
Posted by: monitorman at May 14, 2009 2:47 PM
Calamity Jane is my personal hero.
Calamity Jane: I have no fucking ideas as far as you sayin' one fucking thing about anything I do or don't, as far as drinking, or where I stand and nap, or any other fucking thing concerning me. Or go, or leave. Or don't, or when.
Calamity Jane: I drink what I’m able. If that comes to much, that’s the day’s affair and the liquor’s.
Second would be the wonderful Karen Walker.
Karen: You say potato, I say vodka.
Karen: I smell liquor on my breath. You're drunk!
Posted by: dammitjanet at May 14, 2009 3:44 PM
McNulty and Otis.