Aaaaaah Freak Out! The Best Fictional Ways to Say Goodbye to Your Job
So, our dear Joanna is happy at her job. Good for her! As for the majority of us, we’re too damn busy daydreaming of ways to tell off our bosses and/or quit our jobs in a spectacular fashion than to find healthy ways to spend our downtime. That’s if we’re lucky enough to have jobs.
The following examples of the best freakouts at the workplace, whether they lead to quitting or being fired, are cathartic but not necessarily advisable. But if anyone can attest to these methods working in real life, I’m all ears.
Office Space: Quit On The Spot. If you’ve had enough of whatever management has put you through, don’t be afraid to display your middle finger and walk away. Immediately. (This entire movie is filled with suggestions — let us not forget the valiant Milton following through on his threats to set the building on fire.)
Bridget Jones’s Diary: Tell ‘Em How It Really Is. If your boss tries to call you out for resigning without a two-weeks notice, colorfully remind him of what a jerk he’s been to you. That’ll shut him up, especially if there’s an audience. You can freshen up the Saddam Hussein joke by using Muammar Qaddafi or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad instead. Just practice pronouncing them first so as not to ruin the effect.
The Paper: Fight For Your Rights. You’re losing an argument concerning an important issue. You don’t want to quit your job over it, but you don’t want to give in yet again to your superior, especially when you know they are wrong. So, take matters into your own hands. If anyone protests, don’t be afraid to put up a fight — literally.
Network: Start Screaming. Told you were being laid-off? Screaming about it may help, especially if you do it on camera and can get complete strangers to back you in damning The Man. Of course, The Man may be cynical enough to then use your craziness to help his own cause, but it’s a risk you’ve got to take.
American Beauty: Try Blackmail. If you’re as clever as you think you are, try blackmailing your supervisor into a nice severance package. You’ve been eavesdropping on office gossip for years for a reason, haven’t you? Work the system.
Fight Club: Try Blackmail Mixed With Self-Abuse. Not all bosses can be verbally swindled by disgruntled employees. But if you can make it look as if things got physical during negotiations, you’ll not only freak your boss out but put him in a tough my-word-against-yours predicament. It’s not for the squeamish, or even the sane. If you’re going to do it, you must go all the way.
Hello, Dolly!: Create A Ruse. Let’s lighten things up a bit. Say you’re only looking for a day off work, and you know your boss will be out of town. Find a way to close the office (preferably without destroying it) so you can play hooky. And gosh darnit, you should sing while you do it! Just don’t run into your employer as you hit the town.
Jerry Maguire: Flip Out And Take Others With You. When canned, never leave without getting the last word. And instead of quick comebacks, make your exit a show-stopper. Flail those arms! Ignore those looks of concern from employees questioning your mental health! You weren’t kidding about that memo you stayed up all night writing, and you should accept the company of anyone brave enough to admit they agree with you. The more the merrier.
Half Baked: Make It Short, And Make It Count. Similar to Quit On The Spot but even more dramatic. At work, simply stop what you’re doing, tell everyone near you how you really feel about them and walk out. Sure, now you’re unemployed, and you just burned potential references. But oh, what a way to go.
Sarah Carlson has a front-row seat to the decline of the newspaper industry and may or may not be employing one or more of these tactics in the near future.
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