30 Hilariously Untrue Facts About The Avengers

By The Eloquents | Lists | November 26, 2012 |

By The Eloquents | Lists | November 26, 2012 |

Backstory: Ahead of his screening of Red Dawn, TK caught this “Fact” in the pre-movie trivia: “Spider-Man is one of the few Marvel superheroes who is not one of the Avengers.” Enraged (obviously), TK took umbrage on Facebook, which resulted in one of the funniest Facebook threads I’ve ever seen, as Pinky McLadybits, Lainey Bobainey, Paultera, mrcreosote, and Jezzer, among others, began listing a series of Hilariously Untrue Facts About The Avengers.

For your reading enjoyment, the 30 best are listed below.

1. “Did you know that Black Widow is the only redhead in the Marvel Universe?”

2. “Jean Gray goes by Phoenix because she took online courses from The University of Phoenix.”

3. “Hawkeye goes by his name, because he was a HUGE fan of M.A.S.H. and has an Alan Alda tattoo on his left ankle.”

4. “Iron Man’s favorite drink is a Zima with Skittles in it.”

5. “Captain America has never produced a reliable birth certificate to prove he was really born in America.”

6. “Venom gets his name from the radioactive snake that bit him.”

7. “Dazzler shits confetti.”

8. “Mystique is French for ‘chameleon’ “

9. “Deadpool’s name comes from his childhood. His mother was brutally murdered in front of him after a drug deal gone wrong, and he was found sealed in a shipping container amidst a pool of the dead.”

10. “Ant Man is kind of a dick.

11. “Dr. Octo got his moniker from his pre-villain occupation as a marine biologist. “

12. “Emma Frost was born a man and got her name from the method used to remove her penis.”

13. “Wolverine’s adamantium bones and claws are the result of a weapons experiment. His actual mutant ability is the power to bend the space-time continuum to appear in every Marvel title at once.”

14. “Power Man and Iron Fist will never get a movie, even though they would be an excellent vehicle for Tarantino to do a grindhouse Superhero movie. Can’t you taste that nerds? Terry Crews or Micheal Jai White along with say an up and coming martial artist as Iron Fist? Wouldn’t that movie, set in the 70s be awwwwesome? Well, suck it geeks, because it’s never going to happen! NEVA!! You’ll get 5 more Spider man origin stories though. In the next one he gets his powers from a tainted birthday cake. “

15. “Cyclops is the most loved and adored member of the X-Men.”

16. “The Avengers is the name Marvel decided to use after The Revengencers tested poorly.”

17. “Namor is Aquaman in his underwear with a bad dye job.”

18. “In the comics, Loki is still adopted. However, instead of being a Frost Giant, he is from Puerto Rico.”

19. “She-Hulk got her strength and green skin after an emergency blood transfusion from her cousin, the Thing.”

20. “The Avengers often call Superman to solve their more difficult problems.”

21. The X Men were created as part of a Sesame Street skit due to a lack of existing X words. Wolverine’s personality is based on Oscar, the Professor on Mr. Hooper and Cyclops on Grover.”

22. “Rogue can’t touch herself without going into a coma.”

24. “In the Marvel universe bras are only available in DDD and up. Luckily since breasts there are filled with helium, they are rarely needed. “

25. “Colossus is uncircumcised.”

26. “Colossus is misnamed. He is also wildly optimistic.”

27. “Kitty Pryde has a dragon friend named Toothless.”

28. “The Black Panther’s alter-ego is a white accountant from Connecticut.”

29. “Billed as the first Women’s Lib superhero, Ms. Marvel battled the forces of sexism in the 70s with super-strength, flight, invulnerability, precognition, and a skimpy, skimpy outfit. Her one vulnerability was irony.”

30. “Jubilee is the most powerful and useful member of the X-Men.”

You can follow Pinky, Lainey, and Paultera on Twitter, read Pinky’s awesome Consumer Review blog (along with several other Pajibans), and Jezzer and mrcreosote are here most days making the Pajiba comments section the best on the Internet.