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15 One-Star Movies on Netflix Instant to Hate Watch This Summer

By Josh Kurp | Seriously Random Lists | June 4, 2012 | Comments ()


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Like Jimi Hendrix once kind of sang, it’s gonna be a long, hot summer, with too much time, yet not enough, spent indoors with the air conditioner to escape the unfathomable heat in the gross real world. To help you pass the time (WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITHOUT “GAME OF THRONES”???) — oh yeah, “Breaking Bad”), why not make fun of some terrible movie? Here are 15 Netflix Instant rarities: films with only one star. How bad does something have to be to get only a single star? Daddy Day Care has one-and-a-half stars. Yeah. So, enjoy and if you have any particularly good, “MST3K”-worthy quips to make about Gigli, let me know.

Vapid Shallow Models Must Die

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Plot: “Fat photographer gets revenge for his bad life by killing beautiful, shallow, vapid models.”

Ringing endorsement: “This just might go down in gay cinema history as The Room of queer cinema! I dont know what is worse. This ummmmm film? or the producers who released it?”

Bloodrayne

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Plot: “In eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives to avenge her mother’s rape by her father, Kagan, King of Vampires.”

Ringing endorsement: “There are two reasons to see this film…and they are prominently on display between 54 minutes and 54:54 minutes…Watch the vidcaps of Kristanna Loken on the web and save a rental.”

Bachelor Party in Bungalow of the Damned

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Plot: “Sammy plans to throw a bachelor party for his best friend, Chuck, and secures a sweet hideaway in the Hamptons for the occasion. Soon three sexy strippers arrive, but things could get a little gory when Chuck’s fiancée makes an appearance.”

Ringing endorsement: “Don’t put this in your queue for the nudity, because it is very brief and very dark…and the best looking chick (Trina Analee) never gets naked!”

Straight Men and the Men Who Love Them 2

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Plot: “Nine short films explore the complicated sexual dynamic between gay men and straight men in this eclectic compilation, which features selections from Spain, Brazil, the United Kingdom and the United States.”

Ringing endorsement: “The story about the bisexual serial killer was hardly a positive image of the community.”

Under the Gaydar

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Plot: “Larry and Lauren Barnabee don’t want their son, Darren, to be gay — so much so that they hire a girl to “turn” him straight. But what they don’t know is that Darren’s playing the gay card to GET girls, not push them away.”

Ringing endorsement: “Think showing nudity would have helped it out. It wasnt to bad cause im sure in real life people do this with great results.”

Gigli

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Plot: “Small-time thug Larry Gigli kidnaps the brother of a district attorney in order to save a mob kingpin from prosecution. But when Gigli’s superior doesn’t trust him to finish the job, he sends in gorgeous lesbian Ricki to assist. Gigli is at once offended by his boss’s lack of faith and infatuated with Ricki’s beauty.”

Ringing endorsement: “Lets face it…Lopez can’t act!!! Ben can but he sucks in this flick.Not fit even as a WB tv movie.What a waste they should be banned from making movies together.All the hipe the media has engulfed with these two is a farce.Lopez is at her peak with a huge weight problem and nowhere to go but down.Affleck? Well,better luck next time there just ain’t no click with these two,on or off the screen.Both are has Bens.LOL.”

MILF

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Plot: “Frustrated by a lack of success in finding girlfriends their own age, a quartet of college nerds discovers the exhausting joys of dating older women — until one of them crosses the line by dating his pal’s mother.”

Ringing endorsement: “But come on…WHO watches a movie like this for the STORYLINE? HMMM?? - NO ONE :D Great movie for what it was intended…BOOBIES! The BOOBIES ARE GREAT! LONG LIVE BOOBIES!”

Battlefield Earth

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Plot: “In the year 2000, an alien race known as the Psychlos devastated Earth and turned it into a wasteland. In the year 3000, the aliens — led by the horrific Terl — still hold the surviving human population hostage and have forced Earthlings into slavery. But when human Johnny Goodboy Tyler discovers the aliens’ major weakness and leads the final fight for Earth’s survival, the parasitic Psychlos are in for a shock.”

Ringing endorsement: “THIS MOVIE WAS HORRIBLEI’D RATHER BE FORCED TO WATCH DORA THAN THIS INSULT TO MOVIES I’VE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE I HOPE THIS DIRECTOR FEELS REALLY BAD FOR GIVING US THIS HORRIFYING MOVIE!!!!!!!! -15,000,000 STARS!!!!!!!! I ONLY SUBMITTED ONE STAR BECAUSE IT WAS THE MINIMUM.”

Surf School

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Plot: “The senior class at Laguna High is off to Costa Rica for a surfing competition, and five senior misfits who don’t know how to surf want in on the action. A crash course in surfing is just the first step if they want to rip the curl with the pros. That’s if they can survive the burnout instructor, two aging hippies, the voluptuous Three Swedes, and an amorous chimp named Veronique.”

Ringing endorsement: “If you’re just looking for hot babes, I’m sure there are equally crappy films with way better looking girls, and NO monkees.”

R U Invited?

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Plot: “Five friends are invited to an underground sex party. But to qualify for attendance, each must submit revealing photos for a screening process. As the party draws near, friendships are tested, personalities collide and sexual histories are revealed.”

Ringing endorsement: “I’m all for campy raunchy movies. This ain’t one of those. It’s just plain lame. Hey, that’ rhymes! You can see the boom mike within the first 5 minutes of this movie. THAT’S how bad this is. No hot guys either. Bah!”

Paul McCartney Really is Dead

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Plot: “In 2005, two audio cassette tapes labeled The Last Testament of George Harrison mysteriously turned up at an office in Hollywood. On them, a voice claiming to be George (then deceased) related a fantastic story. Echoing a venerable urban myth, “George” claimed that fellow Beatle Paul McCartney had died in 1966 and been replaced by a double. This documentary looks deep into an enduring myth that still holds the public’s fascination.”

Ringing endorsement: “I Should Have Known Better” than to watch a film like this. “Help” your self and don’t bother with this. “I Want to Tell You” that this “Day in the Life” of the Beatles” will definitely make you say “I’m A Loser” for wasting your time. If anyone really liked this movie I’d like them to “Tell Me Why” they’d put themselves through the “Misery” of watching it. This is “The End” of my review.”

Robsessed: Life of Robert Pattinson

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Plot: “Fanatically loved by hordes of young people, teen heartthrob, and paparazzi magnet Robert Pattinson reveals his inner world to devotees in this documentary directed by Irene Antoniades.”

Ringing endorsement: “I just wanted to add that Rob was in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, not the Order of the Pheonix.”

Incredible Creatures That Defy Evolution

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Plot: “This documentary explores evidence claiming to prove that certain animals could only have come from a divine creator, and not evolution. Challenge your thought processes and beliefs as intricate designs throughout the animal kingdom are dissected, conjuring up many questions about the true origins of several creatures. Dr. Jobe Martin lets viewers in on startling data that surprised even him at first.”

Ringing endorsement: “If you’re stupid and enjoy being stupid, and would like to become more stupid, watch this pile of trash. I couldn’t make it past the giraffe example without screaming about how wrong everything this guy says is.”

Larry the Cable Guy: Morning Constitutions

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Plot: “He’s one of the stars of the hit Blue Collar TV, and now, Larry the Cable Guy shares his views on bowling shoes, Wal-Mart, toddlers, steak and pie. Larry has performed sold-out shows across the country, keeping audiences rolling in the aisles with his trademark “Git-R-Done!”

Ringing endorsement: “If you are one that celebrates ignorance, no education, and stupidity, this DVD is for you. A trailer living, toilet paper hanging out the back, crass, camo hat stab at comedy just didn’t get er done. Tired stuff.”

Big Money Rustlas

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Plot: “Bringing gangsta style to the wild west, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of Insane Clown Posse star with other hip-hop vets in this tale of a tiny frontier town that’s being oppressed by a cruel local strongman. Shaggy plays the gutsy sheriff Sugar Wolf, fated to go up against the crazed gambling tycoon Big Baby Chips and his murderous crew, including Dusty Stank and Hack Benjamin.”

Ringing endorsement: “worst movie ever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a joke worse than there music (yes it possible for something to be worse i didnt think so either) do not waste your time and watch this save ur time.”




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Guest

    Good list, but the Jennifer Lopez weight problem left me puzzled. I'll just assume you meant that she was a dead weight to the movie.

  • googergieger

    Oh and no mention of Birdemic? Personally I think you should just do a netflix streaming movies you can get an awesome rifftrax for. That's the American way.

  • Anna von Beav

    Surf School was totally amazing, I'll have you know.  ({edit}: I forgot to add that Sisqo is a wonderful actor. WONDERFUL.)

    And Jenn TheYellowDart is going to be SO SUPER EXCITED about Robsessed.

  • idgiepug

    It's sort of unfair to put gay movies on this list.  I watched just about every lesbian (and many gay) movie made in the 1990s, and they were pretty uniformly shitty.  The filmmakers know that they have a built-in audience desperate for ANY depiction of people like themselves in film, so they throw together some cheep crap with bad actors and sell it. 

    On the other hand, if you want a TRULY enjoyable gay movie experience, you MUST find the mid-90s gem The Sum of Us, starring a very young and very Australian Russell Crowe as a single gay 20-something living with his single straight father.  FABULOUS. 

  • stardust

    I was right! Apparently, if you've seen one Troma movie, you recognize one a mile away even from a screenshot.

  • stardust

    I'm going to guess, without even googling, that the Bachelor Party movie is Troma.

  • AS

    No movie title should ever have the word "bungalow" in it.  Ever.

  • laylaness

    I guess 1 star on Netflix is a euphemism for porn now, huh?

  • Green Lantern

    Aaaaaawful lotta gay on this list.  Just sayin'.

    Oh and I wanna kick someone in the batch for that "Paul is Dead" movie.  Jeebus...

  • googergieger

    Oddly enough the story in the Bloodrayne video game was about a bajillion times worse.

  • When my friends and I used to host Shitty Movie Mondays in our dorm, we watched some of the worst pieces of filth ever made, including, but not limited to, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, Transmorphers, and Necrophiles 2 (an abomination we found by googling "zombie porn").

    But in all that time, only one film was so bad that we couldn't even finish watching it: Arnold Schwarzenegger's American film debut Hercules In New York.

    I'm still waiting for it to show up on Netflix Instant, just to see if I can brave a full viewing once before I die.

  • True_Blue

    I was having my lunch at my desk when I saw Larry the Cable Guy picture.  Really, did the world really need a photo of that idiot with his pants down and legs spread?  Barf.   

  • comma

    "Glitter" (sorta) but not "Crossroads"? So "Crossroads" is too good to hatewatch or too bad to hatewatch? Which is it?

  • space oddity

    The problem (or feature, depending on how you like it) with Netflix rating is that it is relative to you and what you've rated. As I understand it, it takes a baseline then skews it according to what you've watched and how you rate things. So, for example, Glitter and R U Invited? both are 1 1/2 stars to me. Still not going to watch them - there are WAY too many good things to see to waste my time with shit.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    Given the header pic, how is "Glitter" not on the list? And it should be closely followed by Jessica Alba's tour de force "Honey". 

    With the exception of Battlefield Earth and Bloodrayne most of these seem like they just fall into the category bad/painful rather than so-bad-they-are-delicious-let's have-some-drinks-and-MST3K-these-things.  Still if you invited me over and gave me drinks I'd probably sit through these.  Well, maybe. My roomate and I tried to watch "Abelar: Tales of An Ancient Empire" (netflix streaming) starring Keving Sorbo thinking it would be in the later category, but alas, it was squarely in the former.  There were literally* 20 minutes of opening credits with really bizarre green screenery so we gave up. 

    It might be more fun to start a betting pool and see who can hang in the longest on the hate watch.

    *I am using this term according to its dictionary definition, as in there were actually 20 minutes of opening credits.  I do not know why people would take so much time to prominently display their names in association with this "film", but so be it.

  • Utopian

    When reading this, I immediately thought of Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Then I forgot that it is rated nearly 4 stars. God Bless this country. 

  • Basement Boy

    1980's Village-People-infested "Can't Stop The Music" is one of my favorite BAD movies... add a young goofy Steve Guttenberg and the *only* starring film role by Olympian Bruce Jenner. It is one *fabulously* lame flick!

    {edit} Whoa, you've switched over to DISQUST too, eh?

  • Green Lantern

     I ALSO will admit liking "Can't Stop The Music".  I just won't do so in public.

    It is also Bruce Jenner's ONLY starring role...one I understand he passed on "Superman: The Movie" to take.  I'm sure Christopher Reeve is still thanking him for that.

    (Yes, I know Reeve is dead, but still...)

  • Sassafrass Green

    Truth! It's pretty amazing. It'd actually be less gay if it had actual gay sex in it. 

  • ChristianH

    1313: Bermuda Triangle is another terrifically awful softcore gay porn with an absurdly awful plot and totally un-sexy everything. If you're drunk, it's only marginally more comprehensible.

    So many dreadful b-movies on Netflix which are amazing at alcoholic get-togethers.

  • Sassafrass Green

    It pleases me to absolutely no end that this list has a solid gay representation on it. The LGBT movies on Netflix instant are almost uniformly awesomely terrible. A friend and I usually demolish six packs while we watch. I'd highly suggest Siren in the Dark.

  • AngelenoEwok

    I feel like a Pajiba hate watching party  would be an ideal way to spend a Saturday. 

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