15 One-Star Movies on Netflix Instant to Hate Watch This Summer
Like Jimi Hendrix once kind of sang, it's gonna be a long, hot summer, with too much time, yet not enough, spent indoors with the air conditioner to escape the unfathomable heat in the gross real world. To help you pass the time (WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITHOUT "GAME OF THRONES"???) -- oh yeah, "Breaking Bad"), why not make fun of some terrible movie? Here are 15 Netflix Instant rarities: films with only one star. How bad does something have to be to get only a single star? Daddy Day Care has one-and-a-half stars. Yeah. So, enjoy and if you have any particularly good, "MST3K"-worthy quips to make about Gigli, let me know.
Vapid Shallow Models Must Die
Plot: "Fat photographer gets revenge for his bad life by killing beautiful, shallow, vapid models."
Ringing endorsement: "This just might go down in gay cinema history as The Room of queer cinema! I dont know what is worse. This ummmmm film? or the producers who released it?"
Plot: "In eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives to avenge her mother's rape by her father, Kagan, King of Vampires."
Ringing endorsement: "There are two reasons to see this film...and they are prominently on display between 54 minutes and 54:54 minutes...Watch the vidcaps of Kristanna Loken on the web and save a rental."
Bachelor Party in Bungalow of the Damned
Plot: "Sammy plans to throw a bachelor party for his best friend, Chuck, and secures a sweet hideaway in the Hamptons for the occasion. Soon three sexy strippers arrive, but things could get a little gory when Chuck's fiancée makes an appearance."
Ringing endorsement: "Don't put this in your queue for the nudity, because it is very brief and very dark...and the best looking chick (Trina Analee) never gets naked!"
Straight Men and the Men Who Love Them 2
Plot: "Nine short films explore the complicated sexual dynamic between gay men and straight men in this eclectic compilation, which features selections from Spain, Brazil, the United Kingdom and the United States."
Ringing endorsement: "The story about the bisexual serial killer was hardly a positive image of the community."
Under the Gaydar
Plot: "Larry and Lauren Barnabee don't want their son, Darren, to be gay -- so much so that they hire a girl to "turn" him straight. But what they don't know is that Darren's playing the gay card to GET girls, not push them away."
Ringing endorsement: "Think showing nudity would have helped it out. It wasnt to bad cause im sure in real life people do this with great results."
Plot: "Small-time thug Larry Gigli kidnaps the brother of a district attorney in order to save a mob kingpin from prosecution. But when Gigli's superior doesn't trust him to finish the job, he sends in gorgeous lesbian Ricki to assist. Gigli is at once offended by his boss's lack of faith and infatuated with Ricki's beauty."
Ringing endorsement: "Lets face it...Lopez can't act!!! Ben can but he sucks in this flick.Not fit even as a WB tv movie.What a waste they should be banned from making movies together.All the hipe the media has engulfed with these two is a farce.Lopez is at her peak with a huge weight problem and nowhere to go but down.Affleck? Well,better luck next time there just ain't no click with these two,on or off the screen.Both are has Bens.LOL."
Plot: "Frustrated by a lack of success in finding girlfriends their own age, a quartet of college nerds discovers the exhausting joys of dating older women -- until one of them crosses the line by dating his pal's mother."
Ringing endorsement: "But come on...WHO watches a movie like this for the STORYLINE? HMMM?? - NO ONE :D Great movie for what it was intended...BOOBIES! The BOOBIES ARE GREAT! LONG LIVE BOOBIES!"
Plot: "In the year 2000, an alien race known as the Psychlos devastated Earth and turned it into a wasteland. In the year 3000, the aliens -- led by the horrific Terl -- still hold the surviving human population hostage and have forced Earthlings into slavery. But when human Johnny Goodboy Tyler discovers the aliens' major weakness and leads the final fight for Earth's survival, the parasitic Psychlos are in for a shock."
Ringing endorsement: "THIS MOVIE WAS HORRIBLEI'D RATHER BE FORCED TO WATCH DORA THAN THIS INSULT TO MOVIES I'VE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE I HOPE THIS DIRECTOR FEELS REALLY BAD FOR GIVING US THIS HORRIFYING MOVIE!!!!!!!! -15,000,000 STARS!!!!!!!! I ONLY SUBMITTED ONE STAR BECAUSE IT WAS THE MINIMUM."
Plot: "The senior class at Laguna High is off to Costa Rica for a surfing competition, and five senior misfits who don't know how to surf want in on the action. A crash course in surfing is just the first step if they want to rip the curl with the pros. That's if they can survive the burnout instructor, two aging hippies, the voluptuous Three Swedes, and an amorous chimp named Veronique."
Ringing endorsement: "If you're just looking for hot babes, I'm sure there are equally crappy films with way better looking girls, and NO monkees."
R U Invited?
Plot: "Five friends are invited to an underground sex party. But to qualify for attendance, each must submit revealing photos for a screening process. As the party draws near, friendships are tested, personalities collide and sexual histories are revealed."
Ringing endorsement: "I'm all for campy raunchy movies. This ain't one of those. It's just plain lame. Hey, that' rhymes! You can see the boom mike within the first 5 minutes of this movie. THAT'S how bad this is. No hot guys either. Bah!"
Paul McCartney Really is Dead
Plot: "In 2005, two audio cassette tapes labeled The Last Testament of George Harrison mysteriously turned up at an office in Hollywood. On them, a voice claiming to be George (then deceased) related a fantastic story. Echoing a venerable urban myth, "George" claimed that fellow Beatle Paul McCartney had died in 1966 and been replaced by a double. This documentary looks deep into an enduring myth that still holds the public's fascination."
Ringing endorsement: "I Should Have Known Better" than to watch a film like this. "Help" your self and don't bother with this. "I Want to Tell You" that this "Day in the Life" of the Beatles" will definitely make you say "I'm A Loser" for wasting your time. If anyone really liked this movie I'd like them to "Tell Me Why" they'd put themselves through the "Misery" of watching it. This is "The End" of my review."
Robsessed: Life of Robert Pattinson
Plot: "Fanatically loved by hordes of young people, teen heartthrob, and paparazzi magnet Robert Pattinson reveals his inner world to devotees in this documentary directed by Irene Antoniades."
Ringing endorsement: "I just wanted to add that Rob was in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, not the Order of the Pheonix."
Incredible Creatures That Defy Evolution
Plot: "This documentary explores evidence claiming to prove that certain animals could only have come from a divine creator, and not evolution. Challenge your thought processes and beliefs as intricate designs throughout the animal kingdom are dissected, conjuring up many questions about the true origins of several creatures. Dr. Jobe Martin lets viewers in on startling data that surprised even him at first."
Ringing endorsement: "If you're stupid and enjoy being stupid, and would like to become more stupid, watch this pile of trash. I couldn't make it past the giraffe example without screaming about how wrong everything this guy says is."
Larry the Cable Guy: Morning Constitutions
Plot: "He's one of the stars of the hit Blue Collar TV, and now, Larry the Cable Guy shares his views on bowling shoes, Wal-Mart, toddlers, steak and pie. Larry has performed sold-out shows across the country, keeping audiences rolling in the aisles with his trademark "Git-R-Done!"
Ringing endorsement: "If you are one that celebrates ignorance, no education, and stupidity, this DVD is for you. A trailer living, toilet paper hanging out the back, crass, camo hat stab at comedy just didn't get er done. Tired stuff."
Big Money Rustlas
Plot: "Bringing gangsta style to the wild west, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of Insane Clown Posse star with other hip-hop vets in this tale of a tiny frontier town that's being oppressed by a cruel local strongman. Shaggy plays the gutsy sheriff Sugar Wolf, fated to go up against the crazed gambling tycoon Big Baby Chips and his murderous crew, including Dusty Stank and Hack Benjamin."
Ringing endorsement: "worst movie ever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a joke worse than there music (yes it possible for something to be worse i didnt think so either) do not waste your time and watch this save ur time."
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