This is What Happens When You Say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" Thrice
Someone call the Christopher Columbus of Brooklyn, I may have found his…*Googles “Christopher Columbus’ bae* Filipa Moniz Perestrelo. Assuming she was a racist. And lived in Chicago. And voted for please-don’t-make-me-say-it.
Last week, a video went viral of a woman at a Michael’s in Chicago having what some people would say is a meltdown. Those people are much nicer than I am. This woman flat out lost her goddamned mind. It allegedly stemmed from a Black employee trying to offer, nay FORCE this adorable snowflake into buying/using a reusable bag, since they were out of regular bags for her oddly shaped purchase. Another shopper (and now my future best friend), Jessie Grad, caught it all on her phone so that the troglodyte couldn’t argue her point without looking like a tremendous asshole. What follows is hands down the best piece of cinematic brilliance I have ever laid eyes upon.
It should be noted that yes, of course the garbage person accused my future BFF’s TODDLER OF SHOPLIFTING.
My heart, it sings. If you can’t fully commit to the ten minutes of the most Oscar-baity basic bitching, here are some highlights:
“And I voted for Trump, so there. You want to kick me out because of that? And look who won.”
“I have been discriminated against twice by you.”
“This woman came around and screamed at me from across the goddamn store like an animal! An animal! Animal,” she says. “You screamed at me from across the store like you were in your own living room. You’re an animal.”
Then, while on the phone with the cops: “Two Black women will not ring me up because, because, I don’t even know why,” she’s heard saying into her phone. “I’ve been ganged up by a bunch of people.”
But wait. It gets better. Some people did some internet sleuthing and recognized this woman from yet ANOTHER bigoted tirade while she was in Starbucks this past July. It’s like this woman is purposefully hitting up all the safe havens for basic bitches and besmirching her people. I’m not a huge fan of either venue, but I’d really like for her to start going on these tired diatribes at somewhere awful, like the DMV or Time Warner or Breitbart. You know, where trolls belong (advanced apologies to those who are angel babies working at those soul-sucking places of employment. Blink rapidly four times if you need help.)
Right, Exhibit B:
Come on, dummy. It’s only Monday.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Where does she think she is?!
Her name has since been released and while I’m a huge fan of schadenfreude, outing her is probably not the route to take. There’s a solid chance this woman will lose her job and any other employment opportunities, and possibly have some serious repercussions.
Or she’ll probably become a presidential advisor of “I can’t even.”