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Is it a Ghost or a Dude Living in Your Closet? Pajiba Investigates.

By Kate Hudson | News | February 5, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | News | February 5, 2019 |


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[Author’s note: This post is best read with this playing in the background.]

Friends, first off, let me get right to the point: It is never my intention to attempt to dissuade you from the belief that a paranormal being is haunting your every waking moment. In fact, that is the exact opposite of what I set out to do every day I’m living and breathing, and will continue on after I’m not, if you catch my drift (I totally plan to haunt a few select Overlords, just saying.)

I do, however, think it’s important to be able to note the distinction between a ghost haunting you and a guy living in your closet, presumably stealing your food, and wearing your clothes—they used to teach this in school, but apparently they’ve dropped it since I graduated. Anyway, I’m here to help so that you don’t end up like this poor woman in North Carolina—who was unable to tell the difference until she found a dude named Drew in her closet. Granted, a haunting is (hopefully) more common than this, but one can never be too sure. Below is a handy guide where I outline where the young lady went wrong by assuming that the telltale signs of a creeper living in her closet was a ghost, instead.

Are you hearing weird noises at night?

No.
Could be a ghost, but chances are you’re neither haunted nor being invaded by a weirdo. Congrats!

Yes.
Could be a ghost, but could also be someone living in your closet. More information is needed.

Are there handprints on your wall?

No.
Could be a ghost. Don’t forget to sage, and leave it an occasional offering of bread and salt so that it knows you mean it no harm.

Yes.
Ghosts don’t leave lasting handprints. Walk very slowly out of your room and call the police. You have an intruder, friend.

Are your clothes going missing?

No.
Could be a ghost. If it’s really bothering you, you can tell it that it’s not welcome in your home, and it can’t make itself known to you anymore. It will have to abide by your wishes. That’s ghost law.

Yes.
Well, here’s the deal: Ghosts can be mischievous, but they typically return the items you ask for—so yeah. Chances are you have a weirdo living under your bed. Walk very slowly out of your room and call the police.

Is your food going missing?

No.
It’s probably a ghost. They don’t eat.

Yes.
Here’s where it gets tricky, but the shortcut answer is: definitely an intruder. Walk very slowly out of your room and call the police.

Longer answer: When I left my job last January, I was home a lot more often than was normal, and full jars of cinnamon kept disappearing into thin air (I like it in my coffee, so I use it every day. No way I would misplace full jars.) I got on the trusty Messenger app to discuss with the subject matter expert on all things other-worldly, my friend Jason. After about an hour, we determined that I most likely had a boggan of some sort, which is a type of fae that is tied closely to the home. We decided it was probably pissed off I was spending so much more time at home than normal, so the way to deal with its unease was to leave an offering of cinnamon out, thank it for keeping the home safe, and ask it to stop taking additional cinnamon. Friends, it worked. Not only that, the day after I did the mini ritual and offering, one of my missing jars of cinnamon was sitting on my counter. Message received, boggan.

That said, if you’re going through the same problem I was, and there are no handprints on your walls, or missing clothing, then maybe you might have a fae living in your home, but it’s just as likely you have someone living in your crawlspace and thus you should walk very slowly out of your room and call the police.

Did you find a man in your closet, wearing your clothes, and when you asked before you opened your closet door “who’s there” a voice replied “me”?

No.
Still could be a ghost. If it’s appearing to you soaking wet, in your dreams, pointing to the closet, you may want to investigate further. It could be where their remains are located, or a map to buried treasure. Unfortunately, those are your only two options.

Yes.
In the immortal words of Oda Mae Brown:

Run as fast as you can, and call the police.

Well, friends, there you have it. If you are like the woman in question in North Carolina, and you keep on finding strange men in your apartment (yes, in addition to the guy in the closet, she and her roommates would come home to find other strange men in their home) I strongly encourage you to do whatever it takes to move out of your home entirely, finances be damned. You cannot put a price on an intruder-free home, I speak from experience.



Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.



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