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New Low For 2018: You Can Now Hire A Sex Doll That Looks Like Anyone You Want (Even Your Dead Wife)

By Hannah Sole | Miscellaneous | October 18, 2018 |

By Hannah Sole | Miscellaneous | October 18, 2018 |


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One of the overlords dropped this story in our Slack channel today. I won’t name names.

Oh no, I clicked on it. Why do I always click on it? WHY?

A mom is offering one of the UK’s first sex doll rental services and offers to make bespoke dolls for those seeking comfort after losing a partner by matching their likeness.

Jade Stanley, 35, says business is booming and now offers the first ever rental service for those looking for comfort after losing a loved one.

The married mom-of-four said: “We have a lot of people approach us who have dolls made that resemble a partner they have lost.

“It can be very beneficial for them and helps them keep a piece of their loved one, it provides them with comfort and people don’t always buy the dolls for a sordid reason.

They aren’t called comfort dolls, Jade. Besides, this is what a comfort doll would look like:

via GIPHY

What you’re making are ‘comfort’ dolls. Those unspoken inverted commas make all the difference.

Are we just mining Black Mirror for business plans now? Grief is a terrible thing, but is ‘I wish I could bang her one more time’ really a need that requires a service? If what you miss most about your partner is an orifice, you’re relationshipping wrong.

“It’s also great for people who maybe feel socially awkward about approaching the opposite sex.”

But… dolls aren’t ‘the opposite sex’. They are masturbation accessories. Nothing wrong with that, whatever floats your boat… But let’s not pretend it’s a therapy doll. It’s not going to help you to make friends or talk to women. It’s just an elaborate way to shake hands with Dr Winky.

The dolls, with names such as Sienna and Cindy, are placed in a large box and delivered by a trusted courier to the customer’s front door in what Stanley describes as a “discreet white-glove, two-man service.”

A “discreet white-glove, two-man service” eh?

via GIPHY

Wait, that’s not a euphemism? It really is just a courier? I’m confused.

Where do you keep them when they aren’t in use? Do you dress them up in normal clothes and prop them up on the couch so you can watch TV together? Or do you hide them in a cupboard somewhere? True story: a classroom I used years ago was also used for first aid training, and there was a Resusci Annie doll that the trainers used to hide in a different cupboard each time they used it, for a laugh. Suddenly being confronted with Resusci Annie’s vacant face is bloody terrifying. Now imagine Resusci Annie with the face of someone you know. And she’s in lingerie.

Don’t worry! They’ve thought of a solution to that too.

They don’t really mean ‘rental’, surely? Oh wait…

Once the dolls are returned to the company they are thoroughly cleaned, while the artificial vagina is removed and replaced with a brand new one so that the dolls can be used again.

On the one hand, points for hygiene. On the other hand, are sex dolls getting slut-shamed now? And (hang on, I’ve run out of hands, I need my feet for this) on one foot, does that mean customer A could have a go on a replica of customer B’s dead wife once B’s had enough ‘comfort’? And on the remaining foot, perhaps most importantly, EEEWW.

“We are currently in the process of working with some well-known porn stars to get dolls made that look just like them.”

I’m so sure this won’t be abused at all. Yep. Positive.

Bespoke dolls can cost up to $5,200 and can be made to any specification with customers able to choose hair color, eye color, nail color, weight and even if they have scars, moles or tattoos.

What was I thinking? Look, we covered this with the Buffybot, didn’t we? Hey, stalkers! Guess what! You’re now a target market, congratulations!

I guess they aren’t smart sex robots, and at least that’s something.

She is waiting for a new shipment from her factory in China and hopes to take her company global, as the service is currently only available in the UK.

Stanley said: “I want to take this worldwide and have very grand plans.

“I’m hoping to open an office in Atlanta.”

Sorry, America. But please don’t blame us for this.

via GIPHY



Hannah Sole is a Staff Contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.



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