Macabre Mr. Maximus' 3rd Annual Guide to The Best & Worst Halloween Candy
YOU’VE FILLED MY SACK WITH A HAPPINESS NO PARENT CAN MATCH!
01. Take 5 Candy Bars — No, not as in “I’m too drunk to stand, so you kids just go ahead and take five of anything you want.” What I’m referring to here is Hershey’s Take 5 candy bar; a smorgasbord of chocolate, peanuts, peanut butter, caramel, virgin blood, and pretzels. If Candyland were a real place, Take 5 would be a high-end prostitute.
02. Twizzlers Nibs — Twizzlers, in and of themselves, are pretty solid. But Nibs? It’s like taking the same-sized package and doubling down with a fuckton of partially hydrogenated soybean oil and potassium sorbate. It has nothing to do with the flavor, per se — it’s the motherfucking density of the Nib. F’reals - go buy a package of Twizzlers and a package of Nibs. Same price. Same ingredients. But you could chuck a package of Nibs at a toddler’s head and knock that bitch out cold.
03. Big Ass Pixie Stix - You know why these are awesome? Because you can eat some, share some, snort some, make a glass of Ghetto Kool-Aid, and still — STILL — have enough to throw in the eyes of any kid who has the audacity to wear the same costume as you, thereby rendering him/her blind with a stinging sweetness.
04. Candy Apples - You might as well just point at which windowless van you want me to climb into, ‘cause I’m yours.
05. Candy Cigarettes — This is how it starts. This is where it all begins. Nothing tops off an evening of trick-or-treating like the smooth, chalky flavor of a candy cigarette. Preferably accompanied by polishing off what’s left of the boozy Jell-O shots your parents were too drunk to finish, thus ensuring future decades of alcohol abuse and an as-yet untapped dependency on nicotine.
I PRAY YOU HAVE LEAKY DIARRHEA FROM NOW UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
01. Generic Peanut Butter Cups — Listen, I’m not knocking the knock-offs — I buy store brand shit all the time — but there’s something gritty about the peanut butter in anything non-Reese’s. And what rhymes with “gritty”? That’s right, “urine-filled water balloons.”
02. McDonalds Bucks — I don’t even know if these things are still around, but when they were, they were fucking horrible. Nothing says “Happy Halloween” like giving a kid a goddam coupon for a hamburger. Look, I had a hard enough time getting my parents to take me to McDonalds in the first place; do you honestly think they’re gonna make the trip so I can use your lame-ass $1.00 coupon? The only exception was when I got lucky enough to receive a bunch at the same time, which happened approximately never.
03. Small Pixie Stix — Granted, these could be referred to as “regular-sized” Pixie Stix, but once you’ve had one of those monster fuckers I listed above, you might as well be eating packets of Sweet’N Low like that retarded kid I see at Panera Bread every Tuesday.
04. Wax Lips/Teeth — Remember these? I do. I also remember the first time I choked down a pair, convinced it was the shittiest taffy in the world. I did this three years running before I saw somebody wearing them as opposed to eating them. Yeah, I got down on myself for being so stupid, but you know what else I managed to do? I managed to turn that self-pity into an all-encompassing hatred of strangers, and that? That’s pure gold, my friends. Pure gold.
05. Toothbrushes — No. Just no. Never — NEVER — be that particular brand of asshole. Finding a toothbrush in a bag full of Halloween candy is like stumbling across your sister’s diary, followed shortly thereafter by finding a picture of her blowing some dude stuck between the pages. What once could have been great is forever ruined. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.
Which I’m not.
At least not anymore I’m not.
At least not daily.
I’m making progress…
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! PULL THE RAZOR FROM THE APPLE AND DANCE ON ITS EDGE!
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