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We Have Seen Hell, and it is Ernest Cline's 'Nerd Porn' Poetry

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | March 28, 2018 |

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | March 28, 2018 |


ernestclinepoemheader.jpg

Oh, hi, hello, I didn’t see you there. How are you? And, actually, how did you get in this hous—… What? No, I haven’t seen Ready Player One, no. I don’t really intend to, it’s not exactly my thin—…

What’s that? You’d like to read me a poem?

No, no, it’s okay, really. I’m a bit of a philistine, you see. A simpleton. I don’t get that much enjoyment out of any poetry that doesn’t rhyme. I like maybe three or four poems, tops. And they’re all by Shelley or Coleridge—and that’s only because they’re socialist or featured in Iron Maiden songs. Like I said: Philistine. And besides, I’m a bit wary of any new poetry after that Sean Penn thing came out the other da—…

I’ve noticed that there don’t seem to be any porno movies

that are made for guys like me.

Oh. Oh I see, you’ve already starte—…

All the porn I’ve come across

was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males

Men who like their women stupid and submissive

Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos

with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary

Um. Okay. Sorry, I’m confused. Is this the poem, or are you just, like, talking at me, or?

Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected

liposuctioned women

Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation

in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.

These aren’t real women. They’re objects.

And these movies aren’t erotic. They’re pathetic.

via GIPHY

These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don’t turn me on.

They disgust me.

…You wrote this in the late 90’s/early 2000’s you say?

And it’s not that I’m against pornography.

I mean, I’m a guy. And guys need porn.

Fact.

“Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,”

Guys need porn.

I mean, I think that’s a bit of a reductive and silly statement, but okay, I suppose it’s quite a striking ending to your poe—…

But I don’t wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn.

Oh dear god you’re still going aren’t you?

I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:

Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world

is a woman who is smarter than you are.

You can have the whole cheerleading squad,

I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:

Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.

Oh yes.

I…

First I want to copy her Trig homework,

and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her

for hours and hours

until she reluctantly asks if we can stop

because she doesn’t want to miss Battlestar Galactica.

Summa cum laude, baby!

That is what I call erotic.

via GIPHY

But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?

No.

Which is why I’m going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.

I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.

And the women in my porno movies will be the kind

that drive nerds like me mad with desire.

I’m talking about the girls that used to fuck up the grading curve.

The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.

Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.

Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses

and chips on their shoulders.

via GIPHY

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.

My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.

In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn’t even have to get naked.

They’d just take the guys down to the rec room and

beat them repeatedly at chess

and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle

or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.

via GIPHY

Buy stock in some hand cream companies

because there is about to be a major shortage.

And I’m not just talking about straight porn. Oh no.

There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren

of all sexual orientations.

Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like “Dungeons and Drag-queens.”

This idea is a fucking gold mine.

I am gonna make millions,

because this country is full of database programmers

and electronics engineers

and they aren’t getting the loving they so desperately need.

And you can help …

If you’re an intelligent woman is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,

and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker’s home planet,

then you are hired.

It doesn’t matter if you think you’re overweight or unattractive.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you’re beautiful.

You are beautiful…

via GIPHY

And I will make you a star.



Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.



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