Pajiba

wow, that banner picture -- good morning to you too.

And of course, you had to put Ryan Reynolds. It's gone too far this time.

And I concur with BSlim, Kevin McCallister's father should be on that list. I mean his wife's upset, but he, doesn't seem to give a fuck.

i simply can not watch dylan baker in anything else and not see him beating off to a tiger beat into a sock. it is eTcHeD into my brain.

my butt hurts.

It's a mostly forgettable movie, but David Straithairn as the worthless father/husband in Misery is a standout Bad Father.

you meant delores claiborne, but we knew who you meant. and i second him.

Mm hm, mm hm. I'm gonna have to say that while I think RyRey did a good job in the remake, I'm rather partial to James Brolin in the original Amityville. That was a man that knew how to menace.

How 'bout Step-Daddy Captain Vidal from Pan's Labyrinth?

Humbert Humbert from any version of Lolita...

deniro in hide and seek

josh brolin in planet terror

christopher lee in charlie and the chocolate factory

thomas jane in the mist (well, in the last 30 seconds)

chucky in seed of chucky

I probably wasn't supposed to take away "Hm, Terry O'Quinn's pretty cute" from the The Stepfather clip, was I? Eh, it's too sunny and gorgeous outside to take murder seriously.

Yesssss. One of the best and most frightening Pajiba articles of all time.

The Evil Stepdad is always forgotten. Everyone always thinks of the Evil Stepmother. But look at how evil the men are! Mmhmm.

Hey, Happy Father's Day, Dustin!

I disagree. I think the most gut-wrenching aspect of Bill Maplewood was that he was a *good* father. Just a pitiful human being.

Good suggestions in the comments, come to think of it, there's a lot of jerk dads out there:
Mikey Rourke in The Wrestler,
Leland Palmer in Fire Walk With Me,
Homicidal, abusive, bi-curious, Nazi father in American Beauty,
That hillbilly in Bastard Out of Carolina, just to name a few.

(yeesh, what's going on, FNL? Hate dads or something?)

It's because there's Eric Taylor to balance it all out with his greatness.

Courtney Love's dad in "Kurt and Courtney."

He gets double bonus points, as a miserable excuse for a human being who inflicted another miserable excuse for a human being upon us.

Triple bonus points cause he's REAL.

Thank God someone else thinks that the family in Home Alone was completely fucked up. I mean, they treat Kevin like shit, make fun of him, hold some sort of kangaroo court to decide his fate after HE was the one humiliated in public by his mongoloid older brother, allow their relatives to talk to him like he's a fucking slave, and then FORGET him, not once, but TWICE? The level of sheer fucktardary from this clan made me hope that each year Kevin would get the wonderful gift of DHR involvement for Christmas.

And another thing, if my uncle had ever threatened to "beat me until I was silly" when I was a child, my Dad would have kicked him in the throat until he died, not ordered him fucking pizza and allowed his incontinent child to drink up all the Pepsi and threaten to piss of me. I'm just saying.

Well, I remember when you first posted this list.

I tried three frigging times to get my comment to show up (back when comments required approval or some shit) and finally got trumped by someone else, using the exact same wording that I used.

Now it's time to set things right...

Humbert Fucking Humbert.

He should have been on the first list and he should be on this one.

What a piece of shit.

yes, Daniel Day-Lewis should get the palme here. But what about the dad in The War Zone. I know it's a bummer but the guy should rot in hell.

I'm surprised no one said anything about Natual Born Killers. I've never watched this thing but I'm appalled. Comedy out of a father raping his own daughter? That's not fun on my books. I remember watching some Italian film (sorry, I can't remember the name) where a dad raped his own daughter. It was a very good movie and the daughter was really hot. I wanted to get a boner because of the full frontal nude scenes of the hot girl but the rape scene was so heart wrenching I just couldn't. That Ed wilson thing is so much worse though because it's comedy.

Who's the worst father in real life? I vote for the Austrian who kept his daughter locked up in a cellar under his home for 24 years and fathered 7 children from her. he burnt one of them in a furnace. He didn't talk to her for the first few years in imprisonment. He kept her in an eleven square metre room with no ventilation, electricity or shower... he's a movie waiting to happen and in future would top a list like this.

Daniel Hall, you are a freakin' genius!

What about Jesus' dad in The Passion of the Christ?

Total d-bag.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at June 21, 2009 7:17 PM

Third on the mwahahaha!

Great choice of image. Sums it up pretty nice.

Jo Mama - which is precisely why I could never do criminal defense. I know somebody's gotta do it, but it sure as hell doesn't have to be me.

barf:

I agree completely, and yes in a case such as this, you're working in shades of grey. You're walking around in the 'guilty to the extent of ___, punishable to ___ degree' sphere. The lawyer has a job to do, someone has to defend the guy, and even admitted monsters such as this putrescent failure of an abortion are protected under the law. There's a reason the law exists. What can you do?

Yeah, Dickens would say that. Going on and foisting BLEAK HOUSE on us. You know, I would've thought that a novel that ends in mid-sentence, and has a storyline end with a character called 'Poor Jo' falling dead of smallpox in the middle of reciting The Lord's Prayer (okay, that part was sad), would have held more appeal for me. Some Dickens I find enjoyable, but this one wasn't my bag. I don't think it's anyone's. If you need Nabokov to rally to your defense (oh-ho, there's that word again), maybe you should just stick it in your coffers.

How much of a cow am I? If I ever tried to write a novel, it would probably descend into something puerile, like:

-One Hundred Wanks of Solitude
-Dr. Porken-master: Beef Counselor
-The Gmork Shoe Diaries
-I Come Anon: A Saucy Salute to Smutty Shakespeare
-Harlequin Romance and NASCAR Present: Coming Up From Behind, and Auto-Stimulation
-Debbie Does Dishes
-The Godfather
-Caligula Jones
-Onan Spills His Iced Tea

And that would not be believable, because I have never even seen porn. Let's call a spade a spade: While you were all out socializing and building up viable personalities, I was under the glare of a: single, strict, immigrant, mother. Boom. If it hasn't been peer-reviewed, I don't know what people are talking about approximately 67% of the time. I guess I'm like The Woz, except I'm impoverished with no prospects. I don't have to date Kathy Griffin though, so I still think I land on the debit side of that ledger.

But I'm the plastic-hearted automaton who hated WATERSHIP DOWN, so you won't see me at a 'Take Back the Hassenpfeffer' rally. You can plan your hotel arrangements accordingly.

The law is a tedious little prostitute to the gavel, ain't she? Still, what I'll mainly about BLEAK HOUSE isn't anyone named 'Jellyby', or the unmitigated elation I felt when they finally killed off that drip Richard (why didn't you take ADA, you ineffectual fuck)? No, what I'll mainly remember is the spontaneous combustion. Semper BANG, Krook. You Are Bonkers.

I'm really just reacting to the stories told to me by several criminal defense lawyers who were just ravaged and demoralized by these processes and dilemmas. I would never have the grapes to do a job like that, that why I keep majoring in stupid, useless (but innocuous) junk.

I really feel bad for criminal defense lawyers much of the time. They haven't committed the crimes, and they aren't the ones on trial (well, not in court). Yet, they really end up suffering--to an extent--over another person's actions, whether in court, or day-to-day life. Traumas and judgements galore.

Side note: Doesn't Chastity Bono's operation render a Simpsons quote null and void?

Lisa: 'Yes I am proud to be the first straight female president'.

SOME TIME LATER....

Lenny: 'Don't blame me, I voted for Chastity Bono!'

It doesn't work anymore, now that he's 'Chaz'. That's what I'm thinking about, how other people's life-altering situations affect my comedy. For I am selfish, you see. And also too much of a coward to be a lawyer. But, I'm meeting Ornette Coleman in September, so it looks like this baby bird didn't fuck it up too hard, huh?

Go in peace, into the year 2000--which is still the joke, as far as I'm concerned. Gah, what a crummy move!